I`m reading Bill Bryson's A Walk In The Woods in preparation for the book I'm going to write next year. It's funny, but only about half way through did I realize, at a deep level, that it was about trees. My mind this year has been so on technology that I've forgotten how important the natural processes of the world were to me. But technology works best when we understand what it already wonderful and powerful in the world. It also works best when we realize what is vulnerable
Consider the natural technology of the tree, from Bryson's book:
For all its mass, a tree is a remarkably delicate thing. All of its internal life exists within three paper-thin layers of tissue--the phloem, xylem and cambium--just beneath the bark, which together forma a moist sleeve around the dead heartwood. However tall it grows, a tree is just a few pounds of living cells thinly spread between roots and leaves. These three diligent layers of cells perform all the intricate science and engineering needed to keep a tree alive, and the efficiency with which they do it is one of the wonders of life. Without noise or fuss, every tree in a forest lifts massive volumes of water--several hundred gallons in the case of a large tree on a hot day--from its roots to its leaves, where it is returned to the atmosphere. Imagine the din and commotion, the clutter f machinery, that would be needed for a fire department to raise a similar volume of water.
This has been without contest, the most difficult, uncertain and painful year of my life. I have no doubt that there are many other uncertainties in my future. But this year was just profoundly stressful at my core. It is a really frightening thing to be poor, and I never want to be that bad again, and I would never want that for anybody.
But I survived and I have a year of writing ahead. For the next year I am doing the thing I have always wanted to do, the thing I have always dreamed of doing, writing a book. Writing a book with no pressing responsibilities, other than to write that book.
To do this I need a lucid mind, a strong core, faith in myself and my abilities. Faith in the value of my project.
To build these things, I will stand.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Nervous Breakthrough
This has been, as far as I can remember, the most stressful year of my life. So much fell apart. The newspaper where I had a column for twenty years folded. With it about fifteen years of archives of my work.
I faced more professional rejection than I`ve ever had to face as a I tried to make the transition to long form journalism and sell a book proposal. In part to make ends meet, I took a deal to move out of my apartment at the end of my lease. But with no income coming in, I worried how I would find a landlord willing to rent to me.
With so much anxiety and stress blowing around in my mind, it was hard to meditate. I could feel my physical and mental health ebbing away as the stress proliferated.
But I made it through. A few days ago I got news that I'd received a grant. Enough money that I can spend the next year working on a book project. Enough money that for the next while, I can breathe.
During a period of deep crisis a few week back I reached out for consolation from my brother. A deeply sensitive person and a gifted actor, he has struggled all his life with low self esteem and obsessive compulsive disorder. It seemed to me in the last few months he's been able to pull himself out of a terrible rut and get his confidence back. I've always tried to be there for him, but this time I really needed his help. He turned me on to the work of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.
I'm sure I'll be writing more about him in future blogs, but one of the he tells a story in the opening chapters of his book The Joy of Living about the anxiety and panic attacks he struggled with as a child. It must have been a stressful childhood, given that he's an incarnate, declared the reincarnation of a seventeenth century rinpoche. That's a lot of pressure for a kid. But towards the end of his teenage years, as he struggled with this chronic anxiety, he had a realization. This anxiety wasn't a deeply entrenched fact of his brain. It was more of a heightened awareness of the anxiety that most people live with. Many people have nervous breakdowns. As he worked through it, he began to think of it has his nervous breakthrough.
This has been a year of nervous breakthrough. I have questioned my path as a writer, over and over again. But I didn't fall apart. I kept writing. I kept standing even if I could stand it for more than twenty minutes. I know I watched too much television, but I made it through. And now I approach my fiftyeth year with more confidence and peace and money than I had last year at this time.
My one goal for next year is to write a book. To support that goal I plan to do a lot of standing, and do a lot of rebuilding of my sense of peace and equanimity.
Or let me tweak that. Do much rebuilding of my awareness of peace an tranquility. Because it has always been there for me. It is always there for me, and it will always be there for me.
I faced more professional rejection than I`ve ever had to face as a I tried to make the transition to long form journalism and sell a book proposal. In part to make ends meet, I took a deal to move out of my apartment at the end of my lease. But with no income coming in, I worried how I would find a landlord willing to rent to me.
With so much anxiety and stress blowing around in my mind, it was hard to meditate. I could feel my physical and mental health ebbing away as the stress proliferated.
But I made it through. A few days ago I got news that I'd received a grant. Enough money that I can spend the next year working on a book project. Enough money that for the next while, I can breathe.
During a period of deep crisis a few week back I reached out for consolation from my brother. A deeply sensitive person and a gifted actor, he has struggled all his life with low self esteem and obsessive compulsive disorder. It seemed to me in the last few months he's been able to pull himself out of a terrible rut and get his confidence back. I've always tried to be there for him, but this time I really needed his help. He turned me on to the work of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.
I'm sure I'll be writing more about him in future blogs, but one of the he tells a story in the opening chapters of his book The Joy of Living about the anxiety and panic attacks he struggled with as a child. It must have been a stressful childhood, given that he's an incarnate, declared the reincarnation of a seventeenth century rinpoche. That's a lot of pressure for a kid. But towards the end of his teenage years, as he struggled with this chronic anxiety, he had a realization. This anxiety wasn't a deeply entrenched fact of his brain. It was more of a heightened awareness of the anxiety that most people live with. Many people have nervous breakdowns. As he worked through it, he began to think of it has his nervous breakthrough.
This has been a year of nervous breakthrough. I have questioned my path as a writer, over and over again. But I didn't fall apart. I kept writing. I kept standing even if I could stand it for more than twenty minutes. I know I watched too much television, but I made it through. And now I approach my fiftyeth year with more confidence and peace and money than I had last year at this time.
My one goal for next year is to write a book. To support that goal I plan to do a lot of standing, and do a lot of rebuilding of my sense of peace and equanimity.
Or let me tweak that. Do much rebuilding of my awareness of peace an tranquility. Because it has always been there for me. It is always there for me, and it will always be there for me.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Standing or Writing
For the last many years now, I've struggling with a choice between two loves. Standing and writing. If I could only do one upon waking. If I should only do one upon waking, which should it be. And also, why do I think it's a choice. A do or die choice?
It's like my life has always been set up as a double bind choice. Which parent do I choose mother or father. Which path do I choose artistic, or economically satisfying. I've believed all my life I had to choose, but I did I?
In the end, I never really had to choose between my parents.
Do I have to choose between standing and writing? Can they be different forms of meditation that I use depending on what I'm cultivating at the moment. The core loop is meditation. Or rather the core loop is awareness, whether I achieve it through writing or standing isn't as important as keeping to the core loop.
All the rest is background.
It's like my life has always been set up as a double bind choice. Which parent do I choose mother or father. Which path do I choose artistic, or economically satisfying. I've believed all my life I had to choose, but I did I?
In the end, I never really had to choose between my parents.
Do I have to choose between standing and writing? Can they be different forms of meditation that I use depending on what I'm cultivating at the moment. The core loop is meditation. Or rather the core loop is awareness, whether I achieve it through writing or standing isn't as important as keeping to the core loop.
All the rest is background.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The secret of meditation
My brother put me onto an interesting new teacher this week, Mingyu Rinpoche. He has some charming introduction to meditation videos over at Tergar.org, the online community that has built around his teachings.
To teach what he calls "the secret of meditation" he leads students through a simple experiment. First he asks them to spend a minute or so just listening to the sounds around them. Next he asks them to spend a minute or so "meditating on the sounds around them." The secret to meditation is that true meditation is really the listening.
One of the biggest blocks to meditation, and I'm still guilty of this, is the belief that meditation is an act of concentration. We think that we're supposed to be concentrating on the breath. And so we get frustrated with ourselves when we do it "wrong."
But meditation is really just awareness, and being conscious of the barest level of awareness. Concentration is not only unecessary, it's not even the goal. Concentration arises out of mediation. But the goal is really to engage in the simple act of being. In fact, in a certain sense it is to be without goal.
When we bring this way of awareness to the simple acts of life, then suddenly the act of living becomes much simpler.
Life becomes simpler, but it's a remarkably deep simplicity.
To teach what he calls "the secret of meditation" he leads students through a simple experiment. First he asks them to spend a minute or so just listening to the sounds around them. Next he asks them to spend a minute or so "meditating on the sounds around them." The secret to meditation is that true meditation is really the listening.
One of the biggest blocks to meditation, and I'm still guilty of this, is the belief that meditation is an act of concentration. We think that we're supposed to be concentrating on the breath. And so we get frustrated with ourselves when we do it "wrong."
But meditation is really just awareness, and being conscious of the barest level of awareness. Concentration is not only unecessary, it's not even the goal. Concentration arises out of mediation. But the goal is really to engage in the simple act of being. In fact, in a certain sense it is to be without goal.
When we bring this way of awareness to the simple acts of life, then suddenly the act of living becomes much simpler.
Life becomes simpler, but it's a remarkably deep simplicity.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Wisdom
I remember back in CEGEP taking an ethics class and being asked to prioritize my values. Most people chose happiness. I chose wisdom. My reasoning was that wisdom was all inclusive, that if you were wise in all likelyhood you would be happy, and you would have all that you really needed.
My path towards wisdom has been a meandering one. And wisdom, of course, is not a value that you achieve and then sit smuggly wise for the rest of your life. It's a value that needs constant replenishment and there is no wisdom without experience and knowledge of what is happening in the here and now.
One of the ways that I replenish it is through standing. It's like a checkpoint for me. If I find myself going off in a direction that's likely to bring me a whole lot of unhealthy stress, then I stand, and I remember. Oh yes, the wise advocate, the Adam Smith self who balances The Wealth of Nations. The ability I've cultivated to keep my mind wandering around the world like a stray puppy. I need to get back in touch with that.
And I will get back in touch with that. In fact I'm back in touch with that right now.
My path towards wisdom has been a meandering one. And wisdom, of course, is not a value that you achieve and then sit smuggly wise for the rest of your life. It's a value that needs constant replenishment and there is no wisdom without experience and knowledge of what is happening in the here and now.
One of the ways that I replenish it is through standing. It's like a checkpoint for me. If I find myself going off in a direction that's likely to bring me a whole lot of unhealthy stress, then I stand, and I remember. Oh yes, the wise advocate, the Adam Smith self who balances The Wealth of Nations. The ability I've cultivated to keep my mind wandering around the world like a stray puppy. I need to get back in touch with that.
And I will get back in touch with that. In fact I'm back in touch with that right now.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Choosing
How do we balance standing still with the will to change? This is the paradox at the root of Zhan Zhuang.
Probably the greatest stumbling block in Zhan Zhuang is the belief that being still can't bring about change, betterment. It's counterintuitive.
In fact I associate the most profound changes in my life, my character, my ability with this practice.
The next stumbling block is my expectation that somehow it's going to get easier. In some ways it does. In other ways every level simply bring on new challenges.
How I'm getting through things these days is with the act of choosing. To get through the middle of life, of projects, of challenges, thing need to be re-chosen. We need sometimes to choose the path we've been on again, just to re-assure ourselves that this is indeed a choice, not something that's been inflicted on us.
Probably the greatest stumbling block in Zhan Zhuang is the belief that being still can't bring about change, betterment. It's counterintuitive.
In fact I associate the most profound changes in my life, my character, my ability with this practice.
The next stumbling block is my expectation that somehow it's going to get easier. In some ways it does. In other ways every level simply bring on new challenges.
How I'm getting through things these days is with the act of choosing. To get through the middle of life, of projects, of challenges, thing need to be re-chosen. We need sometimes to choose the path we've been on again, just to re-assure ourselves that this is indeed a choice, not something that's been inflicted on us.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
An Intense Feeling of Relaxation and Comfort
The thing, of course, that has made me come back to this practice again and again and again, is my memory of the profound feeling of relaxation and comfort I have felt whenever I've maintained the practice over an extended period.
I'm still not sure why I can't seem to maintain a permanent commitment to the practice.
Maybe because I still haven't made a primary choice yet.
Primary choices, according to one of my favourite self-help books, The Path of Least Resistance, are choices that are complete once you've attained them. A book, a runner's body, a clean house. These are all things that I can say "done" about. I'll know them when I achieve them.
I spent some time this morning trying to figure out what the primary choice in Zhang Zhuan was, and it was this. This feeling of comfort and relation that happens when I've maintained my commitment for an extended time.
And not even for an extended time anymore, because I've felt this feeling so many times before that I can re-call at will.
If I choose that.
If I let life choose me. Too often, I'm drawn off the path into anxious obsessing, worrying, debating.
I'm still not sure why I can't seem to maintain a permanent commitment to the practice.
Maybe because I still haven't made a primary choice yet.
Primary choices, according to one of my favourite self-help books, The Path of Least Resistance, are choices that are complete once you've attained them. A book, a runner's body, a clean house. These are all things that I can say "done" about. I'll know them when I achieve them.
I spent some time this morning trying to figure out what the primary choice in Zhang Zhuan was, and it was this. This feeling of comfort and relation that happens when I've maintained my commitment for an extended time.
And not even for an extended time anymore, because I've felt this feeling so many times before that I can re-call at will.
If I choose that.
If I let life choose me. Too often, I'm drawn off the path into anxious obsessing, worrying, debating.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
My Greatest Accomplishment
The last few days I've been trying to build confidence by reviewing my small accomplishments throughout the day.
One of the challenges of getting through mid life is that much of what I accomplish is routinized. Because it's daily one has the illusion that nothing is being accomplished. In fact it's the small actions taken consistently over time that are the accomplishments. These are the things that are going to tide us through. My morning routines. My flylady routines. Whether I do them or not, they are there, and that in itself is an accomplishment. My habit of making bread, rice, beans, yogourt. These keep my overhead low, keep me healthy, keep us eating wholesome food.
I don't need new things all the time. Because if I maintain these energy and vitality building routines, new things will happen. Change is inevitable. The expectation that life will be dull, and uneventful if we keep to routines is almost always a false one. Things always happen. New things will always be learnt.
My challenge now is not to find new things, but to see the old things in a new way.
For example, this morning I was standing, thinking oh yes, another standing routine, not much here. But there was so much. There was the energy that was building, there was a memory that snaked up that made me angry, and that I tamed easily, because my habit when I stand is to maintain not just physical, but emotional balance.
Standing is one of my greatest accomplishments, as is writing, and my guess is that coding will be too. Running, wholesome frugal cooking, maybe teaching. All these things together are the little accomplishments that will lead to other accomplishments. Maybe great ones. Maybe small ones. Who knows. And for the moment, I'm not sure I really care.
One of the challenges of getting through mid life is that much of what I accomplish is routinized. Because it's daily one has the illusion that nothing is being accomplished. In fact it's the small actions taken consistently over time that are the accomplishments. These are the things that are going to tide us through. My morning routines. My flylady routines. Whether I do them or not, they are there, and that in itself is an accomplishment. My habit of making bread, rice, beans, yogourt. These keep my overhead low, keep me healthy, keep us eating wholesome food.
I don't need new things all the time. Because if I maintain these energy and vitality building routines, new things will happen. Change is inevitable. The expectation that life will be dull, and uneventful if we keep to routines is almost always a false one. Things always happen. New things will always be learnt.
My challenge now is not to find new things, but to see the old things in a new way.
For example, this morning I was standing, thinking oh yes, another standing routine, not much here. But there was so much. There was the energy that was building, there was a memory that snaked up that made me angry, and that I tamed easily, because my habit when I stand is to maintain not just physical, but emotional balance.
Standing is one of my greatest accomplishments, as is writing, and my guess is that coding will be too. Running, wholesome frugal cooking, maybe teaching. All these things together are the little accomplishments that will lead to other accomplishments. Maybe great ones. Maybe small ones. Who knows. And for the moment, I'm not sure I really care.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
Yesterday I read an article, Obama's Way. Something that the president said has been stuck in my mind ever since. Research shows that the simple action of making decisions degrades the ability to make further decisions. "You need to focus your decision-making energy. You need to routinize yourself. You can't be going through the day distracted by trivia."
I'm distracted, but I'm not sure it's about trivia. Everyday I make about a hundred different decisions about what I'm going to do or be in my life. I keep forgetting that the decision has been made. I'm a writer. That's what I decided to become.
I'm a stander. I'm a cooker of non-packaged products. I'm a minimalist housekeeper. I clean best by throwing out.
In the mornings I stand. I write. I tidy the kitchen, make beds, swipe bathrooms. In the afternoons I read, I run, I get stuff ready for dinner.
In the evenings I watch TV, socialize, and maybe soon I'll be teaching. Maybe soon I'll be speaking.
That's my life.
That's it, that's all.
The decisions have been made. My job is now just to carry them out.
I'm distracted, but I'm not sure it's about trivia. Everyday I make about a hundred different decisions about what I'm going to do or be in my life. I keep forgetting that the decision has been made. I'm a writer. That's what I decided to become.
I'm a stander. I'm a cooker of non-packaged products. I'm a minimalist housekeeper. I clean best by throwing out.
In the mornings I stand. I write. I tidy the kitchen, make beds, swipe bathrooms. In the afternoons I read, I run, I get stuff ready for dinner.
In the evenings I watch TV, socialize, and maybe soon I'll be teaching. Maybe soon I'll be speaking.
That's my life.
That's it, that's all.
The decisions have been made. My job is now just to carry them out.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Equanimity
Part of the challenge of my new practice is that at a certain point I stopped aiming for the peak experiences that lured me into this.
I am content with equanimity. More than that, I believe equanimity is the secret door to all kinds of amazing experiences. But this can make it challenging to stay motivated.
Maybe the trick is to develop the habit of staying motivated by keeping what I have. And keeping the memory of what I've accomplished with Zhang Zhuan fresh in my mind.
Not losing is a more powerful driving force than gaining. Conserving is a more powerful force than gaining. The will to keep things as they are will always be more powerful in us than the will to change things.
But we can change things by keeping them as they are. Sometimes things can change back, to a better way, to a more interesting way. We can move into the future by looking into the past. By keeping the things to us that are truly valuable.
And anyways change is inevitable.
I am content with equanimity. More than that, I believe equanimity is the secret door to all kinds of amazing experiences. But this can make it challenging to stay motivated.
Maybe the trick is to develop the habit of staying motivated by keeping what I have. And keeping the memory of what I've accomplished with Zhang Zhuan fresh in my mind.
Not losing is a more powerful driving force than gaining. Conserving is a more powerful force than gaining. The will to keep things as they are will always be more powerful in us than the will to change things.
But we can change things by keeping them as they are. Sometimes things can change back, to a better way, to a more interesting way. We can move into the future by looking into the past. By keeping the things to us that are truly valuable.
And anyways change is inevitable.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Listen
Lately the wise, smart, advising voice in my head has been shouting:
LISTEN
I listen, and nothing is said.
It's taken me a while to realize that what it wants me to listen to is the silence. I am having gaps in between thoughts. This scared me at first, but this morning I realized that this is an amazing process. Gaps are moment of awareness, rests between notes. Gaps are where the magic happens and one's truest sense of self is born.
Gaps are a place for me to place my hands over my navel and ground my energy. They are a place for me to restore my energy. They are my brain unhooking from the stress, the past, the conditioning.
Gaps are power.
Gaps get bigger if you let them.
LISTEN
I listen, and nothing is said.
It's taken me a while to realize that what it wants me to listen to is the silence. I am having gaps in between thoughts. This scared me at first, but this morning I realized that this is an amazing process. Gaps are moment of awareness, rests between notes. Gaps are where the magic happens and one's truest sense of self is born.
Gaps are a place for me to place my hands over my navel and ground my energy. They are a place for me to restore my energy. They are my brain unhooking from the stress, the past, the conditioning.
Gaps are power.
Gaps get bigger if you let them.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Book
I'm going to get a book deal,
If I can stand for an hour a day, I can do that. I can sit with my self-doubt and self sabotaging feelings and do what needs to be done, finish the outline, finish the overview. Send it out. Write down the goals, schedule the time. I know I can do that.
So now it's time to see what is stopping me.
Inner stress. Some kind of psychic stress that is awakened every time I try to make a career for myself.
Rather than try and solve this stress, I need to diffuse it a little. Accept that writing and working is always going to be a little painful for me. But it's a good pain. Like running. Like standing. It's a pain that's worth facing. Because at the end of the day I have something that I can send out. I have something that is going to connect me to the world. And I have something that is going to bring me peace, because there is no peace than the peace of having valued, necessary and useful skills.
It's a pain that I want to avoid though. A pain that I struggle to avoid. A pain that I have developed avoidance habits around. So I need to sit down and look at the obstacles that stand in the way of me sitting down to do that one hour of writing on my proposal every day.
These obstacles are:
Compulsive distractions. My tendency to surf and avoid.
Not knowing the ending of my book. Makes it hard to complete outline.
Ah well. I know the ending. The book ends happily with my great book contract.
If I can stand for an hour a day, I can do that. I can sit with my self-doubt and self sabotaging feelings and do what needs to be done, finish the outline, finish the overview. Send it out. Write down the goals, schedule the time. I know I can do that.
So now it's time to see what is stopping me.
Inner stress. Some kind of psychic stress that is awakened every time I try to make a career for myself.
Rather than try and solve this stress, I need to diffuse it a little. Accept that writing and working is always going to be a little painful for me. But it's a good pain. Like running. Like standing. It's a pain that's worth facing. Because at the end of the day I have something that I can send out. I have something that is going to connect me to the world. And I have something that is going to bring me peace, because there is no peace than the peace of having valued, necessary and useful skills.
It's a pain that I want to avoid though. A pain that I struggle to avoid. A pain that I have developed avoidance habits around. So I need to sit down and look at the obstacles that stand in the way of me sitting down to do that one hour of writing on my proposal every day.
These obstacles are:
Compulsive distractions. My tendency to surf and avoid.
Not knowing the ending of my book. Makes it hard to complete outline.
Ah well. I know the ending. The book ends happily with my great book contract.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Happiness Engineer
Yesterday I missed my scheduled posting because I was at Wordpress camp. Trawling around the internet afterwards I disovered that WP has a job posting. Happiness Engineer.
What a wonderful thing to be. To help people develop the skills that will lead them to happiness. The skills that will help them to connect with other people. Help them to create and find good quality information. Help them to process that information. I think that would be a great job and I'm going to apply for it.
I guess I'm becoming a Wordpress evangelist.
What a wonderful thing to be. To help people develop the skills that will lead them to happiness. The skills that will help them to connect with other people. Help them to create and find good quality information. Help them to process that information. I think that would be a great job and I'm going to apply for it.
I guess I'm becoming a Wordpress evangelist.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Happiness is....
According to Mathieu Ricard in Happiness: "a deep sense of flourishing that arises from an exceptionally healthy mind. This is not a mere pleasurable feeling, a fleeting emotion, or a mood, but an optimal state of being. Happiness is also a way of interpreting the world, since while it may be difficult to change the world, it is always possible to change the way we look at it."
This has been the most stressful year of my life and I'm not out of the woods yet.
But I can get out.
I will get out because I have such a fantastic skill with standing. It is the fundamental skill of happiness. It is the path to the flourishing sense of well being that Mathieu Ricard talks about.
Most of my life has been about acquiring knowledge. My mother was a professor, my father a journalist. That's the way I was raised. I've never really thought about acquiring skills as a value. It was all about acquiring knowledge.
But programming has changed that.
I feel the flourishing of knowledge as I do this. Just as I have felt the flourishing of peace when I commit to standing.
I will get out.
Because when you have a healthy mind you see the patterns. You see the right patterns. You see what needs to be done and you do it.
This has been the most stressful year of my life and I'm not out of the woods yet.
But I can get out.
I will get out because I have such a fantastic skill with standing. It is the fundamental skill of happiness. It is the path to the flourishing sense of well being that Mathieu Ricard talks about.
Most of my life has been about acquiring knowledge. My mother was a professor, my father a journalist. That's the way I was raised. I've never really thought about acquiring skills as a value. It was all about acquiring knowledge.
But programming has changed that.
I feel the flourishing of knowledge as I do this. Just as I have felt the flourishing of peace when I commit to standing.
I will get out.
Because when you have a healthy mind you see the patterns. You see the right patterns. You see what needs to be done and you do it.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Inner programmer
I keep forgetting that she's there, this inner programmer who speaks to me with such confidence every time I stand. The polar opposite of everything I am usually thinking or feeling.
I stand and she emerges, and life is simple. Just stand, she says, just stand and everything will be fine. Just stand and your energy will grow. Just stand and your vitality will grow. Just stand and you will stay close to your values and strengths. Just stand and your body will remember all the great things it is capable of, and your mind will have the thoughts you need to have.
Keep standing. Just keep standing. That's my voice.
Keep writing is my father's voice.
Keep standing is my voice.
Listen to me, she says. Listen.
You're going to be fine.
Just relax and you're going to be fine.
Chi is the goal and the way. You can't go wrong. It's impossible.
I stand and she emerges, and life is simple. Just stand, she says, just stand and everything will be fine. Just stand and your energy will grow. Just stand and your vitality will grow. Just stand and you will stay close to your values and strengths. Just stand and your body will remember all the great things it is capable of, and your mind will have the thoughts you need to have.
Keep standing. Just keep standing. That's my voice.
Keep writing is my father's voice.
Keep standing is my voice.
Listen to me, she says. Listen.
You're going to be fine.
Just relax and you're going to be fine.
Chi is the goal and the way. You can't go wrong. It's impossible.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Making Standing My Default Behaviour
I've had an insight this morning. A life changing insight.
My way out of debt, out of despair, out of this mid-life crisis really is this simple. Make standing the default behaviour for whenever I'm feeling anxious, bored, distracted, lost, lonely, afraid. I do that and I'm on a non stop path towards vitality and growth and power.
It's science. It works for me. It always works for me. Standing makes me stronger, emotionally, psychically, creatively. There has never been anything that I've done that has brought as much well being and pure energy into my life. I don't have to believe in "myself." I just need to believe in standing. Because standing put me in touch with all the energy and power that I need.
The beauty of this is that all my "negative" emotions become fuel for this positive energy. Like fossil fuel. Always renewable energy. I don't want them to go away, because they are useful. They help to feed the loop. This is stress management, not stress eradication.
With this I don't have to imagine becoming rich, or becoming successful. It's just a matter of course. Just a matter of course correction.
My way out of debt, out of despair, out of this mid-life crisis really is this simple. Make standing the default behaviour for whenever I'm feeling anxious, bored, distracted, lost, lonely, afraid. I do that and I'm on a non stop path towards vitality and growth and power.
It's science. It works for me. It always works for me. Standing makes me stronger, emotionally, psychically, creatively. There has never been anything that I've done that has brought as much well being and pure energy into my life. I don't have to believe in "myself." I just need to believe in standing. Because standing put me in touch with all the energy and power that I need.
The beauty of this is that all my "negative" emotions become fuel for this positive energy. Like fossil fuel. Always renewable energy. I don't want them to go away, because they are useful. They help to feed the loop. This is stress management, not stress eradication.
With this I don't have to imagine becoming rich, or becoming successful. It's just a matter of course. Just a matter of course correction.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Meaningful Goals
I'm back to standing regularly.
Not because I have an urge to stand. Not because I believe, at this moment, that it's good for me. Not for any of the reasons I did in the past.
I'm back because I have written this out as a meaningful goal. To continue my morning standing practice. It is a goal, like getting a book contract, that is important to me at a level deeper than just feeling.
For the next while, I'm going to place less trust in my feelings and intuitions. More trust in what I know works and doesn't work in my life. Standing works to make me feel better and stronger and more vital. It always has. It helps me manage my stress, and keep my body and energy strong. It makes me feel powerful, whatever the circumstances in my life.
No let's correct that. It doesn't make me "feel" powerful. It makes me powerful. If I work on the exercises and push myself, it makes me powerful. Through it I tap into power.
I am, and have always been afraid of being powerful. Because there is anxiety in power.
I made a mistake a while back, I think, in deciding that I was no longer going to be driven by anxiety. There is healthy anxiety and that can be a good force in one's life. If one taps it, it can be really helpful, make you focus, get you moving.
Right now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and I can use that to make a better life for myself and Ben.
I can use standing to manage that anxiety, and to manage the anxiety that comes with having a thriving, busy life. I want to live quietly, but having a rich life is still important to me. Seeing and living with life's complexity is important to me.
So, I stand.
Not because I have an urge to stand. Not because I believe, at this moment, that it's good for me. Not for any of the reasons I did in the past.
I'm back because I have written this out as a meaningful goal. To continue my morning standing practice. It is a goal, like getting a book contract, that is important to me at a level deeper than just feeling.
For the next while, I'm going to place less trust in my feelings and intuitions. More trust in what I know works and doesn't work in my life. Standing works to make me feel better and stronger and more vital. It always has. It helps me manage my stress, and keep my body and energy strong. It makes me feel powerful, whatever the circumstances in my life.
No let's correct that. It doesn't make me "feel" powerful. It makes me powerful. If I work on the exercises and push myself, it makes me powerful. Through it I tap into power.
I am, and have always been afraid of being powerful. Because there is anxiety in power.
I made a mistake a while back, I think, in deciding that I was no longer going to be driven by anxiety. There is healthy anxiety and that can be a good force in one's life. If one taps it, it can be really helpful, make you focus, get you moving.
Right now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and I can use that to make a better life for myself and Ben.
I can use standing to manage that anxiety, and to manage the anxiety that comes with having a thriving, busy life. I want to live quietly, but having a rich life is still important to me. Seeing and living with life's complexity is important to me.
So, I stand.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
When did I lose faith?
When did I lose faith in standing? I must have, since a barely do it anymore.
Now there are other practices: running, morning writing, body scanning. All important practices. But once I was deeply committed to standing. It was the only thing that I knew guaranteed me spectacular things. It worked, and I stopped.
I'm going to try and approach this without judgement. Just a quiet and gentle analysis.
I remember stopping in Banff because no one wanted me to go into the woods in the morning because of the Elk. I never quite got the practice back, in large part because in Banff I started to become aware of what bad cardiovascular shape I was in. So I started running.
Then I started becoming afraid of trees because birds were attacking me in the spring. Then I realized I was going to lose this apartment, and it became painful to stay attached to that place.
I feel the judgement creeping up. "You can't stay committed to anything."
Priming isn't working. I've had this as my homepage. It hasn't encouraged me to stand.
Maybe it's time to officially give up?
Now there are other practices: running, morning writing, body scanning. All important practices. But once I was deeply committed to standing. It was the only thing that I knew guaranteed me spectacular things. It worked, and I stopped.
I'm going to try and approach this without judgement. Just a quiet and gentle analysis.
I remember stopping in Banff because no one wanted me to go into the woods in the morning because of the Elk. I never quite got the practice back, in large part because in Banff I started to become aware of what bad cardiovascular shape I was in. So I started running.
Then I started becoming afraid of trees because birds were attacking me in the spring. Then I realized I was going to lose this apartment, and it became painful to stay attached to that place.
I feel the judgement creeping up. "You can't stay committed to anything."
Priming isn't working. I've had this as my homepage. It hasn't encouraged me to stand.
Maybe it's time to officially give up?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Sleep
It's well after midnight and I've been struggling with insomnia, obsessions, some positive, some negative.
It's occurred to me now that I haven't done a corpse pose for a while.
Before standing there was lying, and just stillness.
I think I could use a little death right now.
It's occurred to me now that I haven't done a corpse pose for a while.
Before standing there was lying, and just stillness.
I think I could use a little death right now.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Faith
According to Thich Nhat Han, faith is the first and foremost energy you have to cultivate if you're going to have real power in your life.
When I feel powerless over my life, I know that what is gone is faith. Faith in myself, faith in my society, faith in the path that I've chosen for myself.
I've lost a lot of faith in myself this year. Or rather faith in writing to sustain me. Writing was always my path, and for a long time that path seemed to be leading me to the life I imagined. I saw it as a sacred skill that I had cultivated and that would keep my safe.
Then I discovered standing. I learned that there was an energy beneath writing that needed to be tapped if I was going to write well.
But something in me has stopped caring about writing. Something in me has stopped believing, and without that, sometimes it's hard to keep up my passion for the standing.
At the same time, if I'm going to make the changes in my life that I have to make, I'm going to have to get used to some excitement.
I'm in exciting times right now, with the Maker Faire, and all I'm learning and mastering in technology.
It's good to temper that. But I also need to learn how to tap it.
I don't want to undermine the path I'm on just because I'm afraid of some excitement.
When I feel powerless over my life, I know that what is gone is faith. Faith in myself, faith in my society, faith in the path that I've chosen for myself.
I've lost a lot of faith in myself this year. Or rather faith in writing to sustain me. Writing was always my path, and for a long time that path seemed to be leading me to the life I imagined. I saw it as a sacred skill that I had cultivated and that would keep my safe.
Then I discovered standing. I learned that there was an energy beneath writing that needed to be tapped if I was going to write well.
But something in me has stopped caring about writing. Something in me has stopped believing, and without that, sometimes it's hard to keep up my passion for the standing.
At the same time, if I'm going to make the changes in my life that I have to make, I'm going to have to get used to some excitement.
I'm in exciting times right now, with the Maker Faire, and all I'm learning and mastering in technology.
It's good to temper that. But I also need to learn how to tap it.
I don't want to undermine the path I'm on just because I'm afraid of some excitement.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Power
It's been a tough weekend. On Friday the newspaper I worked for for eighteen years folded suddenly without warning.
I hadn't been writing for them for six months. But it's still a blow.
And the credit card bills are getting out of hand.
Power. I breathe deep to deal with the anxiety of these problems. And I am grateful that I can breathe deep.
But still I feel powerless.
I'm not. I have a lot of power. I have the power to breathe deeply through every emotion. I have the power to run 4K without feeling exhausted. I have the power to throw dough and yeast together and have a meal.
I have six months of coding lessons under my belt. In a couple of weeks I'll have a certificate from Stanford.
I have the blood glucose from a good sleep.
I have enough accomplishments to get an agent to look at a proposal.
I have three months rent coming up.
But yes, as I write this, I can see how much the economic stress is taking a toll on my concentration.
I hadn't been writing for them for six months. But it's still a blow.
And the credit card bills are getting out of hand.
Power. I breathe deep to deal with the anxiety of these problems. And I am grateful that I can breathe deep.
But still I feel powerless.
I'm not. I have a lot of power. I have the power to breathe deeply through every emotion. I have the power to run 4K without feeling exhausted. I have the power to throw dough and yeast together and have a meal.
I have six months of coding lessons under my belt. In a couple of weeks I'll have a certificate from Stanford.
I have the blood glucose from a good sleep.
I have enough accomplishments to get an agent to look at a proposal.
I have three months rent coming up.
But yes, as I write this, I can see how much the economic stress is taking a toll on my concentration.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Cognitive Overload
I learned a life changing concept in my design course last week.
The human brain is not very good with working memory. Or, for whatever reason, it has lost this skill. So it is important for designs to minimize the cognitive demands on the user. In web design you make problems easier by making the learning environment support the learning of the problem.
In meditation this is what we are doing. Minimizing the cognitive demands for a certain period, so that insight is more possible.
I tried this in running yesterday, and it was miraculous. Because my mind was only focussed on the task of keeping to the correct technique, my run was easier. My body immediately solved whatever misalignment, or tension in my body that was sapping my energy.
Something happened over the last year that has burdened my mind with obsessions and anxieties. It's been hard to meditate. But I'm wondering if the challenge of meditation has been that I've never quite understood the need for meditation. I understand the benefits, but I've never really understood the essential problem it resolves.
But mindfulness is exactly that, creating an efficent uncluttered interface for the working memory to be well supported.
The human brain is not very good with working memory. Or, for whatever reason, it has lost this skill. So it is important for designs to minimize the cognitive demands on the user. In web design you make problems easier by making the learning environment support the learning of the problem.
In meditation this is what we are doing. Minimizing the cognitive demands for a certain period, so that insight is more possible.
I tried this in running yesterday, and it was miraculous. Because my mind was only focussed on the task of keeping to the correct technique, my run was easier. My body immediately solved whatever misalignment, or tension in my body that was sapping my energy.
Something happened over the last year that has burdened my mind with obsessions and anxieties. It's been hard to meditate. But I'm wondering if the challenge of meditation has been that I've never quite understood the need for meditation. I understand the benefits, but I've never really understood the essential problem it resolves.
But mindfulness is exactly that, creating an efficent uncluttered interface for the working memory to be well supported.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Focus
Hard to stand this morning. Maybe it's because I'm in the second week of this design course. My vision of my future is all over the place. Makes rooting difficult.
One minute it's book. Next minute it's software. Standing's not even in there.
But maybe this is a natural stage in the process of designing my future. I'm coming up with alternatives, a bunch of prototypes. I'm comparing them all and in time I'll settle on the one I think is right.
I don't want standing to make me rigid. I want it to be the source of my vitality.
Above all I don't want it to be a source of shame.
Maybe I'm too attached to one vision of my future. Maybe this is a time to open up my mind to several alternatives
Maybe I need someone to help me evaluate?
Or maybe I just need to put the timer on and stand and stop being at the mercy of all this confusion.
I'm a programmer. I don't make my decisions based on my feelings. I make them based on my needs.
What do I need right now?
Mindful energy, power, diligence.
One minute it's book. Next minute it's software. Standing's not even in there.
But maybe this is a natural stage in the process of designing my future. I'm coming up with alternatives, a bunch of prototypes. I'm comparing them all and in time I'll settle on the one I think is right.
I don't want standing to make me rigid. I want it to be the source of my vitality.
Above all I don't want it to be a source of shame.
Maybe I'm too attached to one vision of my future. Maybe this is a time to open up my mind to several alternatives
Maybe I need someone to help me evaluate?
Or maybe I just need to put the timer on and stand and stop being at the mercy of all this confusion.
I'm a programmer. I don't make my decisions based on my feelings. I make them based on my needs.
What do I need right now?
Mindful energy, power, diligence.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Back To Standing
I'm back.
The desire to stand has returned, now that my financial stress is somewhat buffered by the deal with my landlady. I'm still anxious about my financial future, but I can pay my rent. Or rather, won't have to pay my rent this summer, and next.
More and more when I hear that nagging question "what do I want more than anything in the world" the answer I am giving is "well-being". I want wellbeing for myself, for Ben, for my family, and for everyone. I want to be well and I want to live in a world where people can be well. I can't force them to be well, but I can help them to be well. And I can only do that if I am well myself.
Last week I started a course on Human Computer Interaction. Our first assignment is called needfinding. It's a wonderful assignment because not only does it direct my attention to other people's needs, I realize that in identifying the needs of others we are often alerting ourselves to our own needs.
This is what I want to do from now on:
Build software that will prompt me to change my habits to create well being.
Build software that will prompt me to stand.
The desire to stand has returned, now that my financial stress is somewhat buffered by the deal with my landlady. I'm still anxious about my financial future, but I can pay my rent. Or rather, won't have to pay my rent this summer, and next.
More and more when I hear that nagging question "what do I want more than anything in the world" the answer I am giving is "well-being". I want wellbeing for myself, for Ben, for my family, and for everyone. I want to be well and I want to live in a world where people can be well. I can't force them to be well, but I can help them to be well. And I can only do that if I am well myself.
Last week I started a course on Human Computer Interaction. Our first assignment is called needfinding. It's a wonderful assignment because not only does it direct my attention to other people's needs, I realize that in identifying the needs of others we are often alerting ourselves to our own needs.
This is what I want to do from now on:
Build software that will prompt me to change my habits to create well being.
Build software that will prompt me to stand.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Increase
Running in the mornings now. Have I abandonned standing?
I love running. I love the feeling of increase, the oxygen in my gut, the concrete and simple goals, the future vision of myself, stronger, leaner, faster. I see this as a natural extension of my standing practice. For years I cultivated discipline, tolerance of pain, perseverance. And now I have a base for running.
The challenge is to keep pushing myself further. Get to the 40 minutes I used to aim for with standing. Then beyond.
I love running. I love the feeling of increase, the oxygen in my gut, the concrete and simple goals, the future vision of myself, stronger, leaner, faster. I see this as a natural extension of my standing practice. For years I cultivated discipline, tolerance of pain, perseverance. And now I have a base for running.
The challenge is to keep pushing myself further. Get to the 40 minutes I used to aim for with standing. Then beyond.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Stress
So I've finally resolved the stressful situation with my landlord. We have another year here and six months rent coming to us.
That is a load of stress off me, but it's only the beginning.
I have a ton of financial stress that needs to be solved before I can concentrate on this practice.
Part of the problem is that I've lost faith in the practice to help me with the financial anxiety. There's a little voice inside of me that is punishing me for the practice. "See" it says, all that spiritual focus, that has robbed you of the ambition you need to take care of yourself and your family.
I can't listen to this voice. Or rather, I can listen to it, but I need to challenge it, gently.
I need both, financial and spiritual health.
I can't see them as things in opposition if I'm going to grow in a healthy, productive way that is good for both myself and Ben.
That is a load of stress off me, but it's only the beginning.
I have a ton of financial stress that needs to be solved before I can concentrate on this practice.
Part of the problem is that I've lost faith in the practice to help me with the financial anxiety. There's a little voice inside of me that is punishing me for the practice. "See" it says, all that spiritual focus, that has robbed you of the ambition you need to take care of yourself and your family.
I can't listen to this voice. Or rather, I can listen to it, but I need to challenge it, gently.
I need both, financial and spiritual health.
I can't see them as things in opposition if I'm going to grow in a healthy, productive way that is good for both myself and Ben.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Instability
A very, very, very difficult week. Negotiating with my landlady, or rather paying a lawyer to negotiate. Not knowing whether I will be living here in a few weeks.
It's hard. No it feels impossible to get the mind to settle down.
I have to take things three breaths at a time. And I have to be patient with myself.
So I think I'll just leave this as a micro post for now.
It's hard. No it feels impossible to get the mind to settle down.
I have to take things three breaths at a time. And I have to be patient with myself.
So I think I'll just leave this as a micro post for now.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Going off track
When I first started this blog, the goal of the experiment was to see if Eckhart Tolle was right. If simply being would put me closer to a purposeful life than the mere pursuit of success.
I believe it has. I work with more purpose now than I did back then. Even if I haven't written or published the book I set out to write, I've still used that experience to help me get a fellowship, and I've learned through it to focus my projects more towards my natural skills and experience.
And now I'm on a new path that feels exciting and purposeful as well. And maybe the next book will come out of this.
However, the one thing that hasn't happened during this time, that I wanted to happen and that I needed to happen was to improve my financial situation.
Standing was not made me better off financially.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that standing has caused my difficult financial situation. But it's not enough on its own.
Now that I'm focussed on money, I feel stress. It's not necessarily a negative stress. It's a transitional stress, I think, that I need to feel to change my financial situation for the better.
But it's a level of stress that is making it really difficult for me to stand, because it's painful to face this stress every morning.
My practice is at risk because of this. Every morning I have a different excuse to avoid standing. I want to check my e-mail, my blog. I want to run. I want to think about my plans.
I don't want to give up my practice. I has been my anchor through all of this creative growth.
So I'm thinking about just getting back to baby steps. Five minutes every morning this week. Ten minutes next week. Do what I can to get my practice back.
I believe it has. I work with more purpose now than I did back then. Even if I haven't written or published the book I set out to write, I've still used that experience to help me get a fellowship, and I've learned through it to focus my projects more towards my natural skills and experience.
And now I'm on a new path that feels exciting and purposeful as well. And maybe the next book will come out of this.
However, the one thing that hasn't happened during this time, that I wanted to happen and that I needed to happen was to improve my financial situation.
Standing was not made me better off financially.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that standing has caused my difficult financial situation. But it's not enough on its own.
Now that I'm focussed on money, I feel stress. It's not necessarily a negative stress. It's a transitional stress, I think, that I need to feel to change my financial situation for the better.
But it's a level of stress that is making it really difficult for me to stand, because it's painful to face this stress every morning.
My practice is at risk because of this. Every morning I have a different excuse to avoid standing. I want to check my e-mail, my blog. I want to run. I want to think about my plans.
I don't want to give up my practice. I has been my anchor through all of this creative growth.
So I'm thinking about just getting back to baby steps. Five minutes every morning this week. Ten minutes next week. Do what I can to get my practice back.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
The something in me
Okay, so I'm back to the "something in me" theory. There is something in me that seems to feeding on my stress. For lack of a better word, I guess I'm going to call it my pain body.
There's a very sharp and primal anxiety right now that is struggling for control. I'm going to win. The question is how to transmute this energy as quickly and efficiently as I need to.
If I look at this problem like a coder, what is the smallest, repeatable action that I need to replicate and automatize, so that I can unblock this anxiety and move forward.
Well, the smallest action is always awareness. I would need to assign painBody to a variable. Then make painBody an new object. Then I would need to de-increment it. I could use my biofeedback machine to track my anxiety and bring it down. That way the anxiety becomes a cue for relaxation.
Then what I want to do is to increase my vitality and energy, so that I can keep my focus on the actions needed to improve our financial situation.
What about one of the power exercises? Maybe I need to do something more difficult for a bit. Increase my metal energy. That ties in well with the biofeedback machine.
I did a Tarot reading the other day, and I there were a lot of swords. I think it's time to start thinking and like a warrior.
There's a very sharp and primal anxiety right now that is struggling for control. I'm going to win. The question is how to transmute this energy as quickly and efficiently as I need to.
If I look at this problem like a coder, what is the smallest, repeatable action that I need to replicate and automatize, so that I can unblock this anxiety and move forward.
Well, the smallest action is always awareness. I would need to assign painBody to a variable. Then make painBody an new object. Then I would need to de-increment it. I could use my biofeedback machine to track my anxiety and bring it down. That way the anxiety becomes a cue for relaxation.
Then what I want to do is to increase my vitality and energy, so that I can keep my focus on the actions needed to improve our financial situation.
What about one of the power exercises? Maybe I need to do something more difficult for a bit. Increase my metal energy. That ties in well with the biofeedback machine.
I did a Tarot reading the other day, and I there were a lot of swords. I think it's time to start thinking and like a warrior.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Last week I wrote about "something in me" that was scattering my mind to the wind. I had all kinds of plans for getting my grip back. Running was one. And it worked to some extent.
But it also hit me yesterday as I was reading that over, that I'm not sure "something in me" that is scattering my mind. I live in a digital world, and it is the behavioural bias of that world to fracture the mind into a million little impulses.
I think this would be a good week for a digital diet.
I have the race coming up in a week.
I have the court case in less than a month.
I need the focus....
But it also hit me yesterday as I was reading that over, that I'm not sure "something in me" that is scattering my mind. I live in a digital world, and it is the behavioural bias of that world to fracture the mind into a million little impulses.
I think this would be a good week for a digital diet.
I have the race coming up in a week.
I have the court case in less than a month.
I need the focus....
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Going outside
For whatever reasons, I just haven't been keeping with the intermediate program I was going to keep to.
Something in me seems bent on scattering my mind to the wind.
So I decided last night it was time to get outside. It's spring. Maybe if I run in the mornings, instead of standing, I'll find I have the energy and vitality to get back to my intermediate practice.
Standing is HARD. The concept is so deceptively easy. Just stand, keep to the program. Let the energy build. But actually maintaining it is a whole other story.
But I have managed to cultivate some pretty strong habits. This morning I was alone running, and as I finished my run, I saw the sun rising.
That sun is familiar to me. It's like a friend. I've had some dark fears lately that maybe I'm spiraling into a depression. But when I'm outside, seeing the sun, I know I have the energy in me to keep it together. I know I have the psychic strength to build a good path for Ben and I.
I know I'm not really alone.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Bearing down
Okay I get it, I'm going through a mid-life crisis.
My life is changing in significant ways. I'm aging. The rut I've been clinging to, my half job as a book critic, has been pulled out from underneath my feet. And so, in many ways the future is uncertain.
Except it's not. This too will pass. I know it.
It's like when I'm running and there's this voice telling me to stop, that I can't do this, that really I should just let myself get stronger, naturally, and slowly over time. Be a beginner forever. Just have fun.
And then there's this other voice that's saying: no, you can do more than you think, and it's worth it to deeper and longer and find it in yourself to release whatever stress is blocking you from the next level.
It's time to bear down and come through this crisis stronger, wiser, more stable, more masterful than before.
My life is changing in significant ways. I'm aging. The rut I've been clinging to, my half job as a book critic, has been pulled out from underneath my feet. And so, in many ways the future is uncertain.
Except it's not. This too will pass. I know it.
It's like when I'm running and there's this voice telling me to stop, that I can't do this, that really I should just let myself get stronger, naturally, and slowly over time. Be a beginner forever. Just have fun.
And then there's this other voice that's saying: no, you can do more than you think, and it's worth it to deeper and longer and find it in yourself to release whatever stress is blocking you from the next level.
It's time to bear down and come through this crisis stronger, wiser, more stable, more masterful than before.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Change to Green
Today I changed the background of my post. It's part of an effort to re design my mental environment according to the advice of Dr. Rick Hanson's Greater Good blog.
Hanson has a good tip for dialing down the stress. Go from red to green.
A lot of red in my life right now, with the court case and my financial tight spot. At the same time I'm feeling a lot of growth. I'm very happy with an article I've been writing since the beginning of the year. I wrote a blog about my three months learning how to code, and got some encouraging response.
These are transitional times. I get it.
So time to change the background
Hanson has a good tip for dialing down the stress. Go from red to green.
A lot of red in my life right now, with the court case and my financial tight spot. At the same time I'm feeling a lot of growth. I'm very happy with an article I've been writing since the beginning of the year. I wrote a blog about my three months learning how to code, and got some encouraging response.
These are transitional times. I get it.
So time to change the background
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Stress storm
This morning is a tough one.
I'm consumed and distracted with anxiety and mania involving this upcoming court case with my landlady.
I don't have the concentration to stand. Or I don't believe I have the concentration to stand. I'm having some autistic moments.
I try to program my mind into iterated relaxation.
I listen to my hypnotherapy tape.
I try not to panic about my mother coming over today for a birthday dinner.
I repeat my hypnotherapy mantra. I am capable of whatever life throws at me.
I go and re-read my entries on stress.
I discover a post I wrote about going deeper. So I go and set my timer fr 20 minutes of going deeper. Soon enough I am surrounded in magnetic calm. In this place I know that I am capable of letting go of unecessary, debilitating stress.
I know it.
But it's still hard to keep it going throughout the day.
I will remind myself that this calm is available to me whenever I need it today.
I'm consumed and distracted with anxiety and mania involving this upcoming court case with my landlady.
I don't have the concentration to stand. Or I don't believe I have the concentration to stand. I'm having some autistic moments.
I try to program my mind into iterated relaxation.
I listen to my hypnotherapy tape.
I try not to panic about my mother coming over today for a birthday dinner.
I repeat my hypnotherapy mantra. I am capable of whatever life throws at me.
I go and re-read my entries on stress.
I discover a post I wrote about going deeper. So I go and set my timer fr 20 minutes of going deeper. Soon enough I am surrounded in magnetic calm. In this place I know that I am capable of letting go of unecessary, debilitating stress.
I know it.
But it's still hard to keep it going throughout the day.
I will remind myself that this calm is available to me whenever I need it today.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Fear of boredom, fear of fascination
I'm grateful to Shinzen Young for filling me in on the twenty-minute ceiling. This is the stage in meditation training where you feel yourself again and again popping out of concentration and back into ordinary distracted thinking.
Now that I know about it, I'm more alert to what it is that blocks me from going beyond twenty minutes.
I'm convinced everytime I head into the second twenty minutes that I'm going to be bored, struggling, struggling, struggling with this pop.
Of course it's the opposite. It's in the next twenty minutes that I usually start feeling the most fascinating feelings. That magnetic, bouncy, warm, always surprising powerful chi.
That's when I feel the next fear: that this is so cool, surely the rest of the world is going to become increasingly boring to me. How on earth will I be able to hang around all of the boring, unenlightened, egomaniac, people, once I've become so powerful?
Obviously I'm just as wrongheaded in that fear. It's no doubt the opposite. If I were to get to an expert level, maybe everyone's ignorance, and striving, and complicated living would become as lovable to me as Ben is when he's so sure he has it right.
And maybe I'll finally find joy in being there for people. For all people. Like I did that day when I was able to help my mother in the hospital.
Maybe I'll enjoy being around people because more and more I'll believe that they enjoy being around me.
This morning I got up very early and went beyond the 40 minutes, into a third twenty minute session. There I felt the solid magnetic energy that I am becoming more and more familiar with. In that place it is so easy for me to decide to give up worrying now and forever. Because connected to this power, how could my future manifest as anything but good.
I will continue to take things one day at a time. But I would love to have a life where that morning hour was an unshakeable part of my day. What a wonderful life that would be.
Just for today, I will imagine my life as though this is what is inevitably going to happen. As though my locus of control is now permanent and immoveable. What a wonderful life this is.
Now that I know about it, I'm more alert to what it is that blocks me from going beyond twenty minutes.
I'm convinced everytime I head into the second twenty minutes that I'm going to be bored, struggling, struggling, struggling with this pop.
Of course it's the opposite. It's in the next twenty minutes that I usually start feeling the most fascinating feelings. That magnetic, bouncy, warm, always surprising powerful chi.
That's when I feel the next fear: that this is so cool, surely the rest of the world is going to become increasingly boring to me. How on earth will I be able to hang around all of the boring, unenlightened, egomaniac, people, once I've become so powerful?
Obviously I'm just as wrongheaded in that fear. It's no doubt the opposite. If I were to get to an expert level, maybe everyone's ignorance, and striving, and complicated living would become as lovable to me as Ben is when he's so sure he has it right.
And maybe I'll finally find joy in being there for people. For all people. Like I did that day when I was able to help my mother in the hospital.
Maybe I'll enjoy being around people because more and more I'll believe that they enjoy being around me.
This morning I got up very early and went beyond the 40 minutes, into a third twenty minute session. There I felt the solid magnetic energy that I am becoming more and more familiar with. In that place it is so easy for me to decide to give up worrying now and forever. Because connected to this power, how could my future manifest as anything but good.
I will continue to take things one day at a time. But I would love to have a life where that morning hour was an unshakeable part of my day. What a wonderful life that would be.
Just for today, I will imagine my life as though this is what is inevitably going to happen. As though my locus of control is now permanent and immoveable. What a wonderful life this is.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Taking it to the next level
For reasons that’ll probably be interesting to explore at some point, I’ve never really pushed my ZZ practice beyond the very basic postures. Not with any sustained commitment.
I’ve experimented with some of the tougher postures and had some pretty trippy energy experiences. But mostly I’ve stuck with the basic Wu Chi and holding the balloon.
This year, though, I’ve decided to go for it. I need the power to break through some of the blocks that are keeping me from something I feel I need to accomplish. Writing my book. To write a book you need marathon like stamina. So, also, I’m going to run a marathon.
It was really the decision to run the marathon that has led to the decision to push the envelope of my practice. The other day while I was training, I realized there was point where I felt I couldn’t go anymore. Before I made the decision to quit, I scanned my body for pain. There was nothing. The pain I suddenly realized was almost all psychic. Something in me was deeply resistant to becoming stronger, becoming powerful, and this something wasn’t physical.
There’s an inner block in me, a deeper anxiety that I haven’t really tried to dissolve yet.
So that’s the project.
Helping me along the way is a master I discovered through my friend Jeff Warren. Shinzen Young. He has a great series of guided meditations on youtube. One of them I like in particular: creating positive feeling. Here the meditation focus is on the positive feeling arising in the body from positive thoughts or images. In doing this meditation I realized how much focus I put on the negative feelings when I meditate. I have a tendency to sit with the negative feelings, rather than take the time to sit with the positive ones.
So working with the positive feelings of ZZ is this week’s focus. ‘
Later this same day:
After watching a Shinzen Young's post on the fourth axiom of his practice, "Recycle the Reaction", I've had an insight. I'm in an intermediate rut in my standing practice, and my life. I'm afraid of the fear of moving on to a more advanced level. I'm not going to go into reasons for why I'm afraid. Just in a more concrete way, in terms of my practice, I'm afraid to stand with my fear. To just stand with it in the same way I stood with any other of the uncomfortable feelings in the beginning stages of standing practice. As a result my power really hasn't stabilized in a way that helps me move on to the next level.
Earlier today I went for a run. I'd say I'm at an advanced beginner level now, and I don't plan to move on to intermediate this year. But it's still hard for me to maintain the advanced beginner level. So I experimented today with creating a positive feeling while I run. Creating a body memory of the "I can" feeling. I remembered all the times I had run the distance I had committed to running, and when I wanted to give up I remembered what it felt like to know that I could do it.
I'm going to do the same thing in my standing practice this week. I want to bear down a bit this week, and when I start getting the fear, I'm going to stand with it for a while, not create an extra layer of anxiety, and then invoke the 'I can' feeling.
Hopefully this will also transmute to my writing. I'm afraid to move on to the next level in that too, which is why I'm coming up with a bunch of beginner practices to avoid it. I think these beginner practices are fine. I think coding is a great way for me to develop algorithmic thinking, whether I become a developer or not. And I think it's interesting that Shinzen uses the algorithm as a method as often as he does.
Later this same day:
After watching a Shinzen Young's post on the fourth axiom of his practice, "Recycle the Reaction", I've had an insight. I'm in an intermediate rut in my standing practice, and my life. I'm afraid of the fear of moving on to a more advanced level. I'm not going to go into reasons for why I'm afraid. Just in a more concrete way, in terms of my practice, I'm afraid to stand with my fear. To just stand with it in the same way I stood with any other of the uncomfortable feelings in the beginning stages of standing practice. As a result my power really hasn't stabilized in a way that helps me move on to the next level.
Earlier today I went for a run. I'd say I'm at an advanced beginner level now, and I don't plan to move on to intermediate this year. But it's still hard for me to maintain the advanced beginner level. So I experimented today with creating a positive feeling while I run. Creating a body memory of the "I can" feeling. I remembered all the times I had run the distance I had committed to running, and when I wanted to give up I remembered what it felt like to know that I could do it.
I'm going to do the same thing in my standing practice this week. I want to bear down a bit this week, and when I start getting the fear, I'm going to stand with it for a while, not create an extra layer of anxiety, and then invoke the 'I can' feeling.
Hopefully this will also transmute to my writing. I'm afraid to move on to the next level in that too, which is why I'm coming up with a bunch of beginner practices to avoid it. I think these beginner practices are fine. I think coding is a great way for me to develop algorithmic thinking, whether I become a developer or not. And I think it's interesting that Shinzen uses the algorithm as a method as often as he does.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sunday morning post
I've decided to commit from now on to a Sunday morning post.
Much of my standing practice involves writing. I committed to standing in large part because I believe that it helps me with my creativity. But standing has also become my spiritual practice. I believe in a very concrete way that I am connected to a vitality that empowers me to make the best decisions for myself and my son.
The more I stand. The more diligently I practice, the better our lives become. I no longer look at this as an escape from responsibility. Early morning practice is the most responsible action I can take for both of us. It gives me vitality, strength, and above all it gives me an internal locus of control. The more I stand, the more firmly I believe that my actions, habits and beliefs determine my destiny, and the destiny of my child.
I have seen the results of cumulative action in my standing practice, in my writing practice. Recently I've taken up a computer programming practice, and a productivity practice. It has always been too easy for me to fall into disorganization and despair. To lose the thread that reminds me of how much control I have over my life. Keeping these journals helps me to track my success and my failures. It can be humbling, but it liberates me from all the things that once held me back: confusion, chaos, lethargy and stress. I'm am so much more free now from the blocks and ruts that were once an inevitable part of my life. My life has structure and discipline, and this Sunday morning post is my testimony to that.
Much of my standing practice involves writing. I committed to standing in large part because I believe that it helps me with my creativity. But standing has also become my spiritual practice. I believe in a very concrete way that I am connected to a vitality that empowers me to make the best decisions for myself and my son.
The more I stand. The more diligently I practice, the better our lives become. I no longer look at this as an escape from responsibility. Early morning practice is the most responsible action I can take for both of us. It gives me vitality, strength, and above all it gives me an internal locus of control. The more I stand, the more firmly I believe that my actions, habits and beliefs determine my destiny, and the destiny of my child.
I have seen the results of cumulative action in my standing practice, in my writing practice. Recently I've taken up a computer programming practice, and a productivity practice. It has always been too easy for me to fall into disorganization and despair. To lose the thread that reminds me of how much control I have over my life. Keeping these journals helps me to track my success and my failures. It can be humbling, but it liberates me from all the things that once held me back: confusion, chaos, lethargy and stress. I'm am so much more free now from the blocks and ruts that were once an inevitable part of my life. My life has structure and discipline, and this Sunday morning post is my testimony to that.
Monday, March 5, 2012
energy focus
Usually when I get up in the morning I focus on the time that I'm going to stand. I have a peace alarm on my ipod with three gongs that remind me when, let's say 20 minutes has passed.
I rarely go the full hour anymore, which is too bad. I look back on that six months that I did an hour a day as a such a peaceful and creative time in my life. I'd love to be able to build that discipline back.
This morning I focussed just on the energy inside of me, instead of the time passing. It's been such a stressful time in my life. My energy is low and my stress is high. But somehow inside of me I know that I can transmute that stress into strength.
I slept badly last night, but even after just 30 minutes of standing I feel rejuvenated. And by focussing on energy instead of time, the time passes more quickly.
So that's the plan for the week. Energy focus.
I rarely go the full hour anymore, which is too bad. I look back on that six months that I did an hour a day as a such a peaceful and creative time in my life. I'd love to be able to build that discipline back.
This morning I focussed just on the energy inside of me, instead of the time passing. It's been such a stressful time in my life. My energy is low and my stress is high. But somehow inside of me I know that I can transmute that stress into strength.
I slept badly last night, but even after just 30 minutes of standing I feel rejuvenated. And by focussing on energy instead of time, the time passes more quickly.
So that's the plan for the week. Energy focus.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Feeling powerlessness over good stuff
I've been aware recently of this feeling of powerlessness that comes over me. I don't know exactly what to do, exactly where to go. It's a time of transition and I feel lost.
Today when I was standing, present with this feeling, a question came to me. Another little experiment. What would happen if instead of feeling powerless over all the bad things that will happen, aging, death, what if I allowed myself to feel powerless over all the good things that are going to happen. The growth that is as inevitable for me as it is for trees. The flowering of my spirit, the blossoming of strength. Can I surrender to being and awareness and easily as I surrender to anxiety? And is the surrender to anxiety--the positive surrender of presence--not the surrender to numbing habits, is that maybe a preparation to surrendering to the good?
And what would happen if I did surrender?
Today when I was standing, present with this feeling, a question came to me. Another little experiment. What would happen if instead of feeling powerless over all the bad things that will happen, aging, death, what if I allowed myself to feel powerless over all the good things that are going to happen. The growth that is as inevitable for me as it is for trees. The flowering of my spirit, the blossoming of strength. Can I surrender to being and awareness and easily as I surrender to anxiety? And is the surrender to anxiety--the positive surrender of presence--not the surrender to numbing habits, is that maybe a preparation to surrendering to the good?
And what would happen if I did surrender?
Monday, February 27, 2012
Chaos Training
Most people are able to keep the chaos at bay. They have their routines that keep their house tidy and neat. They have their relationships that keep them secure. They have their money in the bank that makes them feel safe.
I don't, and I may never have these things. Maybe because of my dyspraxia. Maybe because of my upbringing. I don't know. But a life of barely contained emotional and physical chaos is what I live with.
It's stressful, but if I shift my perspective just a tiny bit, it's kind of liberating. People who don't protect themselves too firmly from chaos can become lifetime creatives. Look at my grandfather. He spent his last years singing vs. my uncle the Ford VP who spent his last years alone in a wheelchair with few visits from the many friends he once had.
A few days ago I re-watch part of journey to dyslexia, a film about learning disabilities. The people who embraced their disability and saw it as a gift were able to live rich rewarding lives where they were able to be unique and contribute to society. That's the group I want to be in.
I don't, and I may never have these things. Maybe because of my dyspraxia. Maybe because of my upbringing. I don't know. But a life of barely contained emotional and physical chaos is what I live with.
It's stressful, but if I shift my perspective just a tiny bit, it's kind of liberating. People who don't protect themselves too firmly from chaos can become lifetime creatives. Look at my grandfather. He spent his last years singing vs. my uncle the Ford VP who spent his last years alone in a wheelchair with few visits from the many friends he once had.
A few days ago I re-watch part of journey to dyslexia, a film about learning disabilities. The people who embraced their disability and saw it as a gift were able to live rich rewarding lives where they were able to be unique and contribute to society. That's the group I want to be in.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Inner power
In my last post I kind of tossed off inner power as though it should be an addendum to character. But no, let me take that back. Character is something that should grow out of the natural confidence that comes from a strong sense of our inner vitality.
For many years in my practice I've seen vitality and chi as something that exists outside of me.This probably has a lot to do with the dyspraxic thinking that always has me seeing power as and outside thing. Something I need to either surrender to or flee.
Until I can surrender to the power inside of me I'm probably never going to lose this nagging anxiety that continues to block me from getting the things in life that I need and want.
For many years in my practice I've seen vitality and chi as something that exists outside of me.This probably has a lot to do with the dyspraxic thinking that always has me seeing power as and outside thing. Something I need to either surrender to or flee.
Until I can surrender to the power inside of me I'm probably never going to lose this nagging anxiety that continues to block me from getting the things in life that I need and want.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Character
Standing builds backbone. While it's great to have energy, and cosmic experiences, and internal power, in the end I am a believer in the fundamental importance of character. I believe in the practice that becomes discipline. I believe that energy and power should be going towards making people's lives more vital and meaningful.
Standing helps me to build character by helping me to resist the cult of personality that exists in our society. Obviously at some point character was a cult too. Maybe the worship of character in the 19th century made some people rigid and judgmental. That's not what I want. What I want character to bring to my life is stability and security. To my life and to others.
Standing never ceases to be a challenge to me. You'd think at some point I would get up and feel some huge reservoir of power that will never need more replenishing. Maybe it works that way from some people. But it's not that way for me.
Life is demanding. My mother is ill and depressed. The economy is changing and the career I chose for myself, writing, seems less and less feasible every day. My son is sad because he doesn't seem to be cultivating meaningful friendships at his elementary school, and his father doesn't make much effort to keep in touch.
I'm trying to cultivate a saying in our family. With responsibility comes power. But with responsibility comes challenge and this needs the power that you have to give.
Standing helps me to build character by helping me to resist the cult of personality that exists in our society. Obviously at some point character was a cult too. Maybe the worship of character in the 19th century made some people rigid and judgmental. That's not what I want. What I want character to bring to my life is stability and security. To my life and to others.
Standing never ceases to be a challenge to me. You'd think at some point I would get up and feel some huge reservoir of power that will never need more replenishing. Maybe it works that way from some people. But it's not that way for me.
Life is demanding. My mother is ill and depressed. The economy is changing and the career I chose for myself, writing, seems less and less feasible every day. My son is sad because he doesn't seem to be cultivating meaningful friendships at his elementary school, and his father doesn't make much effort to keep in touch.
I'm trying to cultivate a saying in our family. With responsibility comes power. But with responsibility comes challenge and this needs the power that you have to give.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
feeling of powerlessness
This morning at the beginning of my stand I was overwhelmed by a feeling of powerlessness. It's a familiar feeling and one i don't acknowledge very often. I spend much of my day driven by this power, and driven by the reflex to avoid it.
It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that an extra ten pounds is an insurmountable barrier that I will never overcome. It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that I am destined for poverty and keeps me underemployed. It is this feeling of powerlessness that undermines the efforts that I make to contribute to the world. It is this feeling of powerlessness that blocks me from using my talents to help other people live better lives.
The first step towards disempowering it is to accept it.
What does that mean? I can accept it for today. Don't try and change it with all kinds of plans for bringing power into my life. Not today. This feeling of powerlessness has been my companion all my life, it's not going to disappear overnight, if it disappears at all. It's like a member of my family. And it's not necessarily a bad member. There are things we are powerless over in life. Death, aging, etc. Accepting powerlessness can be liberating. There must be something about it I enjoy or I wouldn't be so attached to it.
But there is power in accepting powerlessness. This morning I felt it. I stayed with it and then of course, inevitably I began to feel the power building in me, the flow of chi and energy and strength. The feeling of powerlessness cannot be sustained once accpeted, because it is also part of reality that we have great and abundant power to change the life we have while we are alive and the lives of others.
Too often we don't see that because we're so busy fighting our powerless over the things we can't change.
It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that an extra ten pounds is an insurmountable barrier that I will never overcome. It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that I am destined for poverty and keeps me underemployed. It is this feeling of powerlessness that undermines the efforts that I make to contribute to the world. It is this feeling of powerlessness that blocks me from using my talents to help other people live better lives.
The first step towards disempowering it is to accept it.
What does that mean? I can accept it for today. Don't try and change it with all kinds of plans for bringing power into my life. Not today. This feeling of powerlessness has been my companion all my life, it's not going to disappear overnight, if it disappears at all. It's like a member of my family. And it's not necessarily a bad member. There are things we are powerless over in life. Death, aging, etc. Accepting powerlessness can be liberating. There must be something about it I enjoy or I wouldn't be so attached to it.
But there is power in accepting powerlessness. This morning I felt it. I stayed with it and then of course, inevitably I began to feel the power building in me, the flow of chi and energy and strength. The feeling of powerlessness cannot be sustained once accpeted, because it is also part of reality that we have great and abundant power to change the life we have while we are alive and the lives of others.
Too often we don't see that because we're so busy fighting our powerless over the things we can't change.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tao to done
Yesterday I downloaded a little e-book called Zen to Done by Leo Babauta. I've been following Leo's blog Zen Habits for at least a year now and I find his philosophy and advice incredibly helpful.
I've decided to adapt his system for regaining power to my own life, let's call it Tao to done.
The idea in ZTD is that you spend about a month on one of habits. The first of these is collect. Work first on establishing a good method for listing the tasks that need to be done. Carry a little notebook and then at the end of the day dump these tasks on to the to do list.
When I started this yesterday I first thought, wow I don't see how I could need to work a whole month on this habit. I mean it's just writing down stuff that needs to be done. Shouldn't I be able to do that all in one week?
But on my second day, I'm realizing all the ways that not having methods for keeping myself on track are affecting my life. And the idea of collection has expanded beyond just the list of things to do.
My body is my most important collector. Yes, it's good to have a notebook to jot down tasks and ideas. But the fundamental collector of my tasks is my body. If it's constantly battling stress, painful body memories, extra weight, poor posture, poor energy, it's inevitable that all other methods of collection will get derailed.
When I stand in the morning, I'm doing the most fundamental thing I can do, scanning my body for emotional and physical pain, being with it and releasing it. It's like starting the day with a blank page on which I can start to write a more productive algorithm.
This leads into a concern with other collectors: like is my body well supported when I write? How does my poor posture affect how long I can concentrate on a writing task.
Just now I noticed how my neck strains to read the computer because it's too low. And the space around it it too messsy and cluttered. These are collectors too.
It is good to spend a month on collection. It's like anotherer manifestation of awareness. Any habit that increases awareness is always transformative.
I've decided to adapt his system for regaining power to my own life, let's call it Tao to done.
The idea in ZTD is that you spend about a month on one of habits. The first of these is collect. Work first on establishing a good method for listing the tasks that need to be done. Carry a little notebook and then at the end of the day dump these tasks on to the to do list.
When I started this yesterday I first thought, wow I don't see how I could need to work a whole month on this habit. I mean it's just writing down stuff that needs to be done. Shouldn't I be able to do that all in one week?
But on my second day, I'm realizing all the ways that not having methods for keeping myself on track are affecting my life. And the idea of collection has expanded beyond just the list of things to do.
My body is my most important collector. Yes, it's good to have a notebook to jot down tasks and ideas. But the fundamental collector of my tasks is my body. If it's constantly battling stress, painful body memories, extra weight, poor posture, poor energy, it's inevitable that all other methods of collection will get derailed.
When I stand in the morning, I'm doing the most fundamental thing I can do, scanning my body for emotional and physical pain, being with it and releasing it. It's like starting the day with a blank page on which I can start to write a more productive algorithm.
This leads into a concern with other collectors: like is my body well supported when I write? How does my poor posture affect how long I can concentrate on a writing task.
Just now I noticed how my neck strains to read the computer because it's too low. And the space around it it too messsy and cluttered. These are collectors too.
It is good to spend a month on collection. It's like anotherer manifestation of awareness. Any habit that increases awareness is always transformative.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
From adventure to journey
When you're lost, life is always an adventure.
For most of my life I've been lost in a growth forest of painful, stressful memories. Veering around in part because I was raised in emotional chaos, and maybe because of a neurological bias towards poor co-ordination.
Adventures are great. But more and more I want to turn this into a journey. Find something of an endpoint, a home, where I can gather strength and power and resources.
I now have a lifetime habit of early morning standing. Sometimes I don't stand as long, or with as much dedication as I would wish. But I know that I don't and will never feel right anymore if I abandon this practice.
The time has come to take the power I gather from this practice and use it to get the things I need out of life: a more steady supply of income, a more focussed sense of what my contribution to society will be. And a more entrenched, internalized locus of power.
Believing in my ability to shape my life has to be the central habit in my life. The habit I feed, so that this nagging feeling of being lost and out of control gradually begins to dry up.
For most of my life I've been lost in a growth forest of painful, stressful memories. Veering around in part because I was raised in emotional chaos, and maybe because of a neurological bias towards poor co-ordination.
Adventures are great. But more and more I want to turn this into a journey. Find something of an endpoint, a home, where I can gather strength and power and resources.
I now have a lifetime habit of early morning standing. Sometimes I don't stand as long, or with as much dedication as I would wish. But I know that I don't and will never feel right anymore if I abandon this practice.
The time has come to take the power I gather from this practice and use it to get the things I need out of life: a more steady supply of income, a more focussed sense of what my contribution to society will be. And a more entrenched, internalized locus of power.
Believing in my ability to shape my life has to be the central habit in my life. The habit I feed, so that this nagging feeling of being lost and out of control gradually begins to dry up.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Locus of Control
Just read about an interesting psychological concept, the locus of control. Apparently children who suffer from dyspraxia (like my son, and probably myself) tend to have what you call an "external locus of control." They believe that external circumstances are more in control of their lives than they are. People who believe that may be more prone towards underachievement, depression, addiction etc.
So I took a questionaire, just to get a baseline for myself. Apparently I'm 57% leaning towards external.
I wonder how standing might change that. When I'm standing I feel as through there is an outside force controlling me. At the same time I don't connect with that force unless I'm keeping to my regimen (which I confess, I haven't been of late. Stress taking control, or maybe learned helplessness in the face of stress) . So I believe, when I'm standing regularly, that my actions control my external environment. Even if the external environment feels more powerful than I am.
I'm not sure I want to be 8% more internally locus. I like the idea of being a balance between the two.
I'd be curious to take this test again in a month, after really sustained commitment to standing.
So I took a questionaire, just to get a baseline for myself. Apparently I'm 57% leaning towards external.
I wonder how standing might change that. When I'm standing I feel as through there is an outside force controlling me. At the same time I don't connect with that force unless I'm keeping to my regimen (which I confess, I haven't been of late. Stress taking control, or maybe learned helplessness in the face of stress) . So I believe, when I'm standing regularly, that my actions control my external environment. Even if the external environment feels more powerful than I am.
I'm not sure I want to be 8% more internally locus. I like the idea of being a balance between the two.
I'd be curious to take this test again in a month, after really sustained commitment to standing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Getting the Inside Right
"If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place." Wise words from The Power of Now.
Wise words that I keep forgetting. Especially in difficult times. But can I trust these words? Is resolving this financial and personal stress really as simple as staying relaxed inside?
It's experiment time.
For the rest of the month of February, I will stay focussed on my inner tension, breathing through it, allowing it to be a fuel for presence. How will my external cricumstances resolve?
I already saw a bit of this earlier this week. I went to see my mother in the hospital. She was so demoralized by days of diarhea and stories from friends about infections they'd caught in the hospital, and of course facing her mortality in such an irrefutable way. I stayed compassionate, but wry. I could see there was a part of her that was fueling her anxiety because she felt somehow that God would take pity on her. It's a superstitious habit she'd learned from her mother. One I intend to break. All I did was point it out gently to her. Anxiety is not going to protect you, I said, it's going to drain you. My mother felt immediately better. I could see her mood shifting. She told me that my presence just gave her so much more energy. The next day she called me, she felt so much better, she was eating, the diarhea stopped. The tests came back last night and there was no infection. We could all tell she was on the way to recovery.
I need to be that presence for myself now.
Wise words that I keep forgetting. Especially in difficult times. But can I trust these words? Is resolving this financial and personal stress really as simple as staying relaxed inside?
It's experiment time.
For the rest of the month of February, I will stay focussed on my inner tension, breathing through it, allowing it to be a fuel for presence. How will my external cricumstances resolve?
I already saw a bit of this earlier this week. I went to see my mother in the hospital. She was so demoralized by days of diarhea and stories from friends about infections they'd caught in the hospital, and of course facing her mortality in such an irrefutable way. I stayed compassionate, but wry. I could see there was a part of her that was fueling her anxiety because she felt somehow that God would take pity on her. It's a superstitious habit she'd learned from her mother. One I intend to break. All I did was point it out gently to her. Anxiety is not going to protect you, I said, it's going to drain you. My mother felt immediately better. I could see her mood shifting. She told me that my presence just gave her so much more energy. The next day she called me, she felt so much better, she was eating, the diarhea stopped. The tests came back last night and there was no infection. We could all tell she was on the way to recovery.
I need to be that presence for myself now.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
future as addiction
My brain is addicted to the future, whether it's in a state of worry or a state of excitement, I am almost always thinking about life as something that will become worse or better than it is now.
Why can't I get addicted to the present? Because the present is nourishment, not addiction. So why am I not finding nourishment in the present?
I pause to do that and so much stress evaporates instantly. Who cares if Mme Fauteux wins this court case? I'll find an apartment somehow. Odds are I'll negotiate an extension at least until 2013. There's really nothing to panic about, other than mystress over winning or losing, which is really just ego.
It's easy to try and make a project out of liberating myself from my ego, but that's really, paradoxiacally just ego. Just more future when everything will be okay without ego. It's all abstraction without the action of actually being in the present, in this present, with this identity that I have now.
Sometimes the present can feel like an addiction. Sometimes I feel the jouissance, a sort of joyful subversive feeling when I'm not doing anything. It's a radical rebellion to the programming of tending to past and future.
Why can't I get addicted to the present? Because the present is nourishment, not addiction. So why am I not finding nourishment in the present?
I pause to do that and so much stress evaporates instantly. Who cares if Mme Fauteux wins this court case? I'll find an apartment somehow. Odds are I'll negotiate an extension at least until 2013. There's really nothing to panic about, other than mystress over winning or losing, which is really just ego.
It's easy to try and make a project out of liberating myself from my ego, but that's really, paradoxiacally just ego. Just more future when everything will be okay without ego. It's all abstraction without the action of actually being in the present, in this present, with this identity that I have now.
Sometimes the present can feel like an addiction. Sometimes I feel the jouissance, a sort of joyful subversive feeling when I'm not doing anything. It's a radical rebellion to the programming of tending to past and future.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Can I accept my present as it is right now?
Messy kitchen. Economic uncertainty. My mother ill. Dripping toilet. Court case pending. Can I accept this?
I don't want to. I want instead to drift off into fantasies about starting a coding camp for kids, becoming a local celebrity on French radio, or how much better things might be if I changed my colour palette. I want to escape into nostalgia about Whitney Houston who died two days ago, at 48. She was born a week and a day after me. To think you can have beauty, talent, skill, wealth beyond your wildest dreams. You can sing the American anthem with such joy and freedom, better than anyone ever has and probably ever will. And still you can be so miserable and self destructive.
I have only a fraction of the things I wanted when I was twenty and Whitney Houston was just becoming a star. But today I'm alive. I have food. I am reasonaby healthy. I'm addicted to misery, maybe, but not really anymore to the things that cause misery. And today I have the wisdom to sit with this misery and watch it shift into peace, if I can keep my commitment to mindfulness.
As for the circumstances in my life. I can accept everything, except the debt. I can live with being forced to move, if it comes to that. My parents will die. As will I. I know I can get the kitchen together. But the debt. What am I going to do about that? That's something I need to sit with a bit.
I don't want to. I want instead to drift off into fantasies about starting a coding camp for kids, becoming a local celebrity on French radio, or how much better things might be if I changed my colour palette. I want to escape into nostalgia about Whitney Houston who died two days ago, at 48. She was born a week and a day after me. To think you can have beauty, talent, skill, wealth beyond your wildest dreams. You can sing the American anthem with such joy and freedom, better than anyone ever has and probably ever will. And still you can be so miserable and self destructive.
I have only a fraction of the things I wanted when I was twenty and Whitney Houston was just becoming a star. But today I'm alive. I have food. I am reasonaby healthy. I'm addicted to misery, maybe, but not really anymore to the things that cause misery. And today I have the wisdom to sit with this misery and watch it shift into peace, if I can keep my commitment to mindfulness.
As for the circumstances in my life. I can accept everything, except the debt. I can live with being forced to move, if it comes to that. My parents will die. As will I. I know I can get the kitchen together. But the debt. What am I going to do about that? That's something I need to sit with a bit.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Trick
You can't feel self loathing and love together for very long. Eventually love wins. The trick to life is to take the accumulated stress, disappointment, fear, regret, whatever sad and painful feeling you hold in your body and brain and to make the very so slight adjustment that makes this food for consciousness, instead of food for more of the same.
I grew up in a household of hate, and I see how everyday is a choice for me between passing that hatred, and the habits of hatred--constant bickering, fighting, power struggles--and cultivating love, and the habits of love --acceptance, openness, peace building.
It starts in the morning, in the alchemy of my practice where I stand with these painful, tight, disabeling feelings, and I just allow presence to loosen them and start working with the warm energy of chi, bodhicitta, whatever one wants to call it. If I can do that consciously every day, in time my body will begin to do it without my need to sit there and give it instructions.
This is the process of enlightnment.
I grew up in a household of hate, and I see how everyday is a choice for me between passing that hatred, and the habits of hatred--constant bickering, fighting, power struggles--and cultivating love, and the habits of love --acceptance, openness, peace building.
It starts in the morning, in the alchemy of my practice where I stand with these painful, tight, disabeling feelings, and I just allow presence to loosen them and start working with the warm energy of chi, bodhicitta, whatever one wants to call it. If I can do that consciously every day, in time my body will begin to do it without my need to sit there and give it instructions.
This is the process of enlightnment.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Transmutation
In The Power of Now, Tolle writes about the process of transmutation. This is where if we stay present with the pain in our body, experience it, but don't form new cognitions about it, our presence is strengthened and our pain is lessened.
I feel like over the years, I've learned to do this with my body, but I still often believe my mind is still a whole cluttered scary project full of unprocessed anxiety and sadness. That belief is an illusion. The mind that my faulty emotional programming is only a small part of is a far greater and stronger entity than my emotional pain. But it takes diligent practice to keep reconnecting with it over and over and over again.
At this moment for instance there is a feeling inside me of confusion and worry. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing on this day when my son is unexpectedly home sick. Should I be learning code, should I be cleaning, shopping, writing? I have less of a clear idea of which my life is heading every day.
Maybe that's a good thing. My life was obviously in something of a rut before, so if the path isn't clear at least it's not the path that was heading me into trouble.
But maybe it is. Maybe my sudden new interest in coding is just a way to undermine the momentum I was making as a writer?
So I sit with the pain of not knowing what I should be doing. I don't think. I just feel.
Eventually the pain lessens, and I have an insight. Usually when I'm feeling in a double bind between two secondary purposes, it's because I've lost sight of my primary purpose: to be. To just allow my natural energy to flourish and in doing that to help other people to manifest their own natural warmth, intelligence and openness.
I feel like over the years, I've learned to do this with my body, but I still often believe my mind is still a whole cluttered scary project full of unprocessed anxiety and sadness. That belief is an illusion. The mind that my faulty emotional programming is only a small part of is a far greater and stronger entity than my emotional pain. But it takes diligent practice to keep reconnecting with it over and over and over again.
At this moment for instance there is a feeling inside me of confusion and worry. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing on this day when my son is unexpectedly home sick. Should I be learning code, should I be cleaning, shopping, writing? I have less of a clear idea of which my life is heading every day.
Maybe that's a good thing. My life was obviously in something of a rut before, so if the path isn't clear at least it's not the path that was heading me into trouble.
But maybe it is. Maybe my sudden new interest in coding is just a way to undermine the momentum I was making as a writer?
So I sit with the pain of not knowing what I should be doing. I don't think. I just feel.
Eventually the pain lessens, and I have an insight. Usually when I'm feeling in a double bind between two secondary purposes, it's because I've lost sight of my primary purpose: to be. To just allow my natural energy to flourish and in doing that to help other people to manifest their own natural warmth, intelligence and openness.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Vitality
I've written earlier about something Elizabeth Gilbert once said about depression. How the opposite of depression is not happiness, it's vitality. I still deal with depression. I won't say struggle, because I believe I've reached the tipping point where it will no longer drive me the way it once did. But I still have remnants and shadows and blocks that I must be working at steadily and always.
Cleaning up after the depression that gripped me for most of my life is my greatest responsibility. It's easy to get distracted with the outside evidence of my depression: clutter, grime, debt, but the most important work is my internal state of mind. That is where I can make the deepest and most influential changes. In my gut, my tan tien. In my heart, and through that my brain, or whatever that grey stuff is in my head.
Cleaning up after the depression that gripped me for most of my life is my greatest responsibility. It's easy to get distracted with the outside evidence of my depression: clutter, grime, debt, but the most important work is my internal state of mind. That is where I can make the deepest and most influential changes. In my gut, my tan tien. In my heart, and through that my brain, or whatever that grey stuff is in my head.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Happiness
From The Art of Power:
"When you are happy, it is not difficult to earn enough money to live comfortably and simply. It is much easier to make the money you need when you are solid and free. If you are happy, you are more likely to be comfortble in any situation. You are not afraid of anything. If you have the five spiritual powers and you lose your job, you don't suffer much. You know how to live simply, and you can continue to be happy. You know that sooner or later you will get another job, and you are open to all possibilities.
We must distinguish happiness from excitement, or even joy. Many people think of excitement as happiness. They are thinking of something or expecting something that they consider to be happiness, and for them, that is already happiness. But when you are excited you are not peaceful True happiness is based on peace."
"When you are happy, it is not difficult to earn enough money to live comfortably and simply. It is much easier to make the money you need when you are solid and free. If you are happy, you are more likely to be comfortble in any situation. You are not afraid of anything. If you have the five spiritual powers and you lose your job, you don't suffer much. You know how to live simply, and you can continue to be happy. You know that sooner or later you will get another job, and you are open to all possibilities.
We must distinguish happiness from excitement, or even joy. Many people think of excitement as happiness. They are thinking of something or expecting something that they consider to be happiness, and for them, that is already happiness. But when you are excited you are not peaceful True happiness is based on peace."
Sense of self
Last night I had a good stand. Chi flowing, connection to the earth, all the things that I do this standing for. When that happens my entire sense of self changes.
Earlier in the day, I'd been gripped in self-hatred, feeling weak and vulnerable to all the things happening in my life right now. But standing I feel like a different being, someone healthy, vital and safe.
Maintaining a committment to Zhan Zhuang gives my life a simple sense of purpose. To just stand today and everyday in this energy. To aspire to health, and wholesome power.
Earlier in the day, I'd been gripped in self-hatred, feeling weak and vulnerable to all the things happening in my life right now. But standing I feel like a different being, someone healthy, vital and safe.
Maintaining a committment to Zhan Zhuang gives my life a simple sense of purpose. To just stand today and everyday in this energy. To aspire to health, and wholesome power.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Liberation
Last few days, and even right now, have been high stress. Court, financial crisis, transitional time. It's all scary stuff.
But there is something deeper I think that I have to deal with. An undermining energy. A fundamental lack of compassion for myself. I have not been taking the actions needed to protect myself from this situation. I have not been acting responsibly.
There's a part of me that wants to blame this on ZZ. That wants to say, look: ZZ has not solved all your problems. You have still made some bad decisions. But that's not ZZs fault. I abandonned that. It didn't abandon me.
It's T.V.. Internet surfing. Internet buying that have been leading me around like a lost dog looking for my owner. And I have been passively allowing that to happen.
Yeah, I need to sit down and make realistic getting money plans right now.
But on the plus side, at least I don't need a lot of money.
But there is something deeper I think that I have to deal with. An undermining energy. A fundamental lack of compassion for myself. I have not been taking the actions needed to protect myself from this situation. I have not been acting responsibly.
There's a part of me that wants to blame this on ZZ. That wants to say, look: ZZ has not solved all your problems. You have still made some bad decisions. But that's not ZZs fault. I abandonned that. It didn't abandon me.
It's T.V.. Internet surfing. Internet buying that have been leading me around like a lost dog looking for my owner. And I have been passively allowing that to happen.
Yeah, I need to sit down and make realistic getting money plans right now.
But on the plus side, at least I don't need a lot of money.
Monday, January 30, 2012
stress management
In The Way of Power Master Chuen write about stress management as a natural strength. Right now I'm dealing with a few tons of stress: an upcoming court case, a mid career crisis, a huge transition about to take place in Ben's life. I've been having difficulty falling asleep so I'm tired and more vulnerable to identifying with the sense of panic in my brain and body.
Chuen's words remind me that I have the resources inside of me to deal with this stress. If I keep the focus returning again and again to my tan tien, if I return to my foundation postures and re-connect as often as I need to with the natural warmth and the natural relaxation I've been building over years of practice, this stress will be lesss likely to take me over and block my intuitive abilities.
Chuen says over time this develops fearlessnes. What an idea, to be fearless. We have normalized fear so much in our culture that to be fearless is something for action heros and movie stars. Not something for ordinary people who need so much strength just to fight against the social forces in their lives that are allways threatening to take away job security, rights to shared resources, etc. And then there are, of course, the natural forces the bring stress: ageing, death, grief at the ageing and death of others.
We need a cultivated resilience to deal with all of these things. That's why I stand.
Chuen's words remind me that I have the resources inside of me to deal with this stress. If I keep the focus returning again and again to my tan tien, if I return to my foundation postures and re-connect as often as I need to with the natural warmth and the natural relaxation I've been building over years of practice, this stress will be lesss likely to take me over and block my intuitive abilities.
Chuen says over time this develops fearlessnes. What an idea, to be fearless. We have normalized fear so much in our culture that to be fearless is something for action heros and movie stars. Not something for ordinary people who need so much strength just to fight against the social forces in their lives that are allways threatening to take away job security, rights to shared resources, etc. And then there are, of course, the natural forces the bring stress: ageing, death, grief at the ageing and death of others.
We need a cultivated resilience to deal with all of these things. That's why I stand.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
indescribable marvels
My practice fluctuates like winter and summer between periods where I'm feeling amazing surges of energy and periods where I seem to have incrementally returned to where I set out from, a place of rigidity where the sap is thin.
Often my thin sap days are because I'm growing in a different area of my life. Right now, for instance, I've started learning computer programming and I'm more than a little obsessed with all the places that might lead me. Maybe I'll start a meet up for teenagers at the RPM center. Maybe this will turn into a business where I run after school programs.Maybe I'll start a career as a tech journalist. Maybe I'll design a course to teach at Dawson.
All these maybes. None of them right now have standing like a tree in the centre of that action. None of them involve keeping a space for the indescribable marvels that I can experience now.
I can't force myself to care about Zhang Zhuan. But I can break the infinite excitement loop to keep my feet on the ground. Otherwise I'm just giving away all my energy for free. And then I'm sapped.
Often my thin sap days are because I'm growing in a different area of my life. Right now, for instance, I've started learning computer programming and I'm more than a little obsessed with all the places that might lead me. Maybe I'll start a meet up for teenagers at the RPM center. Maybe this will turn into a business where I run after school programs.Maybe I'll start a career as a tech journalist. Maybe I'll design a course to teach at Dawson.
All these maybes. None of them right now have standing like a tree in the centre of that action. None of them involve keeping a space for the indescribable marvels that I can experience now.
I can't force myself to care about Zhang Zhuan. But I can break the infinite excitement loop to keep my feet on the ground. Otherwise I'm just giving away all my energy for free. And then I'm sapped.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Excitement
One of the things that has derailed me time and time again in my standing practice is excitement.
I get to a stable point where I'm feeling the inner peace and the joy and then something happens that sparks my enthusiasm, and suddenly the practice starts feeling very mundane and dry and well, treelike. My ego starts getting all fired up with the potential for success and before I know it I lack the grounding energy to keep that fire going. So whatever has made me enthusiastic dies, along with the practice.
Right now I'm excited about something, but I'm holding back. Is my holding back healthy, or undermining?
One thing excitement undermines is writing. It's hard to write when your brain is jumping about with ideas and visions. Writing needs a kind of energy in between depression and mania. Writing needs authentic joy.
I get to a stable point where I'm feeling the inner peace and the joy and then something happens that sparks my enthusiasm, and suddenly the practice starts feeling very mundane and dry and well, treelike. My ego starts getting all fired up with the potential for success and before I know it I lack the grounding energy to keep that fire going. So whatever has made me enthusiastic dies, along with the practice.
Right now I'm excited about something, but I'm holding back. Is my holding back healthy, or undermining?
One thing excitement undermines is writing. It's hard to write when your brain is jumping about with ideas and visions. Writing needs a kind of energy in between depression and mania. Writing needs authentic joy.
Monday, January 23, 2012
My home
This is a really interesting process, the behaviour bias that happens when I make this my homepage. Homepages for me are traditionally newspages, New York Times, lately the blog at the New Yorker.
Why is it that I've never thought to make my home page my actual home, my blog, the blog that I love more than any other blog. The first blog I ever started.
And then I wonder why I keep getting distracted from this path...
Well yes, everytime I open a browser I'm browsing the big wide store of information. I'm shopping for the story that will make me happy.
Why is it that I've never thought to make my home page my actual home, my blog, the blog that I love more than any other blog. The first blog I ever started.
And then I wonder why I keep getting distracted from this path...
Well yes, everytime I open a browser I'm browsing the big wide store of information. I'm shopping for the story that will make me happy.
The joy of being
I know I think too much of joy as something that I can attain, as something that I will eventually attain through standing, or whatever new skill my promiscuous, curious mind happens to settle on.
Standing has taught me that joy is accessible now, that it's in me and all around me. That I can have it whenever I want.
So simple. So easy to forget because of all the programming. All the code that says that enough food is not enough. Enough shelter is not enough. Enough time will never be enough. Enough joy will never be enough. And so as soon as I feel this innate joy I start running away. It's like there's an instruction in me that says joy is an obstacle not a beginning or end point.
That's why I decided recently to make this blog, this adventure, my browser home page.
It's a scary feeling, not starting the day with someone else's instructions, someone else's priorities. Where's my newspaper? Where's my water cooler talk? Where's my water cooler. It's just me here on this page. What's going to happen if it's just me? Who will tell me what to do?
Standing has taught me that joy is accessible now, that it's in me and all around me. That I can have it whenever I want.
So simple. So easy to forget because of all the programming. All the code that says that enough food is not enough. Enough shelter is not enough. Enough time will never be enough. Enough joy will never be enough. And so as soon as I feel this innate joy I start running away. It's like there's an instruction in me that says joy is an obstacle not a beginning or end point.
That's why I decided recently to make this blog, this adventure, my browser home page.
It's a scary feeling, not starting the day with someone else's instructions, someone else's priorities. Where's my newspaper? Where's my water cooler talk? Where's my water cooler. It's just me here on this page. What's going to happen if it's just me? Who will tell me what to do?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
program or be programmed
I made a spontaneous resolution in January to learn how to code. Not exactly sure now why I'm doing this. It's good to have a skill. I've been thinking back a lot recently to what I most enjoyed studying in highschool. It was actually geometry, not English. Coding is a combination of those two things.
But I'm also curious how learning to code might change the way I see the world. Or might change my behaviour in positive ways. Something about coding feels empowering. Like learning to read or write.
Also been watching lectures by Douglas Rushkoff. He's usually a pretty good visionary. His mantra these days is program or be programed. If you don't understand how your mental environment is being programmed by the web now, then you risk being programmed by forces that are not necessarily working in your best interests.
I know that the web programs me to buy.
I would rather program myself to stand.
But I'm also curious how learning to code might change the way I see the world. Or might change my behaviour in positive ways. Something about coding feels empowering. Like learning to read or write.
Also been watching lectures by Douglas Rushkoff. He's usually a pretty good visionary. His mantra these days is program or be programed. If you don't understand how your mental environment is being programmed by the web now, then you risk being programmed by forces that are not necessarily working in your best interests.
I know that the web programs me to buy.
I would rather program myself to stand.
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