Self Compassion

One of the blocks to my mission to cultivate wellbeing, is that I doubt myself.  I am still, too often, plagued by the certainty that I can't take care of myself and my son. That one day reality will catch up with me and I will have to face the truth, that I'm a fraud and a fool.  All will be revealed.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Tergar mini-retreat and we explored the practice of self-compassion. I've been listening to a guided meditation that prompts me to aspire to safety, peace, kindness towards myself and acceptance of myself.

But one thing that I read in Joy of Living struck me as very true.  Compassion is a powerful practice.  And as a powerful practice, it can spark a powerful reaction.  Rinpoche recommends that when practicing compassion, it's always best to start small, a minute of two of compassion, alternated with a minute of open, effortless awareness.  This helps smooth the path, and dampen any tendency to reactivity.

This morning in my practice I reached a different perspective on my mission.  Yes "I" want to cultivate well-being.  But really the mission is also to let go and allow well-being to cultivate me.  Not comfort, but the energy that arises from a life well lived. The more of this energy in my life, the less "I" there is to doubt.  Self compassion is often compassion for the delusion that there is this isolated, vulnerable "I".

That's why it's very important that self-compassion isn't self pity. And important that self-compassion is layered with open awareness, so that we get that little break from self-cultivation.  So that the energy that we do believe in washes aways the doubt that keeps us in the self-looping cage.

The Problem

So reforming my evening ritual is proving to be much more challenging than I expected.

I'm still watching 9 o'clock television.  I'm half committed to having kitchen cleaned at 7 p.m., to meditating in the evening.  Last night, I was up until 2 p.m. with some new show I'd discovered.

This morning I'm able to do a compassion meditation. But it's rocky.

What is the one thing that I could do every evening that would prime me towards a more peaceful, restful evening and sleep?

Or the one thing I could do every morning. In one of my favourite self-help books, it is recommended that we review our personal mission statement every morning before we make our daily plan, so that this mission becomes active in us.

Earlier this year I wrote a mission statement that included generating well being through early bedtime and book writing.  This week I'm going to review that statement as part of my daily plan.

Let's see if that's enough to help me avoid the temptations of prime time TV.

The Plan

The first step towards real abundance in my life is transforming a lifetime of poor sleeping habits and poor evening rituals.

Falling asleep and keeping to an early bedtime has always been a struggle for me, going back to a painful childhood.  Evenings were when the fights broke out, the tears began, the deep, deep sadnesses and truths of my parents unhappy marriage emerged. I am, frankly, afraid of bedtime. It's nothing but painful memories and the consequences of those painful memories.

But my life, and Ben's life, and the rest of my life, depends on changing this. I really believe that transforming my sleeping habits is the single most important thing I can do to achieve lasting and stable happiness.

I need to be gentle with myself, though, because this is going to be hard.  Or maybe I don't want to discourage myself with the word  hard.  This is going to be challenging.

My plan for the next six months is to revisit my JOL 1 course.  Do very simple, basic, meditations every evening to calm my mind.  Make that commitment every evening for 20 minutes. Then maybe the decision to forego television will be easier.

Recognizing the deep calm that is available to me every evening may help me to let go of the stressful patterns that have driven me for too much of my life.