The flow is getting a little stronger, pings in my navel, my neck, lower back. All signs that I'm re-connecting with my natural vitality. In this morning's meditation I spent some time just resting in the growing warm wetness of my navel area.
In the Tergar program there isn't any specific guidance on this, but I can still apply the method. In the same way I rest bare awareness on thoughts, feelings, body sensations, I can simply rest on this warmth. In the same way that sound and awareness of sound can become one. This flow and the awareness of the flow can become one.
That said, I don't want to overdo it. I've lost this connection to flow so many times, and I wonder if part of the problem is that I plunge in too far and too fast. Feel the pings, rest in them. But also don't be afraid to let go and rest in open awareness. Alternating between this and grounded open awareness will do more to stabilize this than getting lost in some blissful state of altered consciousness.
Navel gazing. That's always been a label of shame in the western world. The dangers of getting caught up in flow is not something to be ashamed of. But it is something to be aware of.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Flow
I've been feeling the pings of energy in my navel that I seem to often feel towards the three month mark when I've committed myself to any kind of energetic practice. From what I've been told, and from what I've read, this can mean two things: that I'm on the verge of transformation, and that I'm starting to store energy.
The idea of transformation is interesting, because if I'm succeeding at my Tergar practice, my "transformation" is about recognizing what I've always been. Progress is really about how permanent that recognition is, and how it changes the way I see others.
It's not permanent since I seem to barely be able to concentrate on writing this one entry. Monkey mind is pretty active this morning. Not sure exactly why since I had a pretty good meditation. Building on the "essence of love" meditation that Mingyur Rinpoche's brother, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, gave a while back, I drop into the nervous energy flowing through my body. Just be with it and in time it naturally transforms into the love it takes to just be with this energy. It's a lovely practice. So simple and so effective.
This morning when I did it, I started to feel that familiar wetness in my navel, my chest, the back of my neck, the crown of my head. I recalled one of the foundational practices I'm learning in Rinpoche's new book, From Confusion to Clarity. In this practice we contemplate how precious and rare this human life is and how fortunate we are to even be born at all. To be born, to be in the process of awakening, to feel and know how spectacular and interesting the human body and mind is. It's like winning the lottery. It is winning the lottery, no matter how much my monkey mind wants other markers of success.
Of course I want to write a successful book that enriches other people's lives. But I want this book to come out of this recognition, and to enable those who are on the cusp of this awakening.
To get the courage to continue, I need to know that those people exist.
The idea of transformation is interesting, because if I'm succeeding at my Tergar practice, my "transformation" is about recognizing what I've always been. Progress is really about how permanent that recognition is, and how it changes the way I see others.
It's not permanent since I seem to barely be able to concentrate on writing this one entry. Monkey mind is pretty active this morning. Not sure exactly why since I had a pretty good meditation. Building on the "essence of love" meditation that Mingyur Rinpoche's brother, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, gave a while back, I drop into the nervous energy flowing through my body. Just be with it and in time it naturally transforms into the love it takes to just be with this energy. It's a lovely practice. So simple and so effective.
This morning when I did it, I started to feel that familiar wetness in my navel, my chest, the back of my neck, the crown of my head. I recalled one of the foundational practices I'm learning in Rinpoche's new book, From Confusion to Clarity. In this practice we contemplate how precious and rare this human life is and how fortunate we are to even be born at all. To be born, to be in the process of awakening, to feel and know how spectacular and interesting the human body and mind is. It's like winning the lottery. It is winning the lottery, no matter how much my monkey mind wants other markers of success.
Of course I want to write a successful book that enriches other people's lives. But I want this book to come out of this recognition, and to enable those who are on the cusp of this awakening.
To get the courage to continue, I need to know that those people exist.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Root Teacher
This week I decided to make Mingyur Rinpoche my root teacher. What this means, if I understand the term correctly, is that I will practice his method, and only his method, for an extended time to create a solid foundation for my practice.
I've been meditating in some form or another for almost twenty years, so it does feel a little strange this declaration that I am only now building my foundation. But there is that island off Japan that I read about once, where they consider 50 years old as only the start of adulthood. I'm feeling the longing to commit to something, and there is something about Rinpoche's teachings that resonate with me in a way that no other teachings ever have. Maybe it's his light touch, his sense of humour, his simplicity that feels closer to the Taoism that I've always been attracted to. Whatever it is I'm ready to make his school of being my home.
Which means I'm heading out on what I'm going to start thinking of now as a three year retreat. For the next three years I'm going to make him my my only meditation teacher. When I'm feeling lost or overwhelmed I will turn to his books, his videos, his organization. When I feel lonely I will see his face.
I need his steadying presence because I'm heading into a big transition in my life. My agent says there are a couple of New York editors keen on seeing my book proposal. I'm optimistic that this book will be published and I'm going to need grounding during a process where I know I'm going to be experiencing a lot of over excitement. I'm going to need all the emotional and spiritual mentorship I can find. I may not have much time to be wandering around trying to find it. Having one teacher, one way, one practice will probably be the lifeboat I'm going to have to cling to as I get used to fulfilling my dreams.
There's that. There's the fact that in the next month both my parents turn 80. This may be their last decade. So the next ten years of my life are going to be filled I expect with elation and grief.
I'm going to need solid ground, solid friendships, a solid community to get me through. After almost ten years of travelling that I've been recording on this blog, this is where I finally put down roots.
I've been meditating in some form or another for almost twenty years, so it does feel a little strange this declaration that I am only now building my foundation. But there is that island off Japan that I read about once, where they consider 50 years old as only the start of adulthood. I'm feeling the longing to commit to something, and there is something about Rinpoche's teachings that resonate with me in a way that no other teachings ever have. Maybe it's his light touch, his sense of humour, his simplicity that feels closer to the Taoism that I've always been attracted to. Whatever it is I'm ready to make his school of being my home.
Which means I'm heading out on what I'm going to start thinking of now as a three year retreat. For the next three years I'm going to make him my my only meditation teacher. When I'm feeling lost or overwhelmed I will turn to his books, his videos, his organization. When I feel lonely I will see his face.
I need his steadying presence because I'm heading into a big transition in my life. My agent says there are a couple of New York editors keen on seeing my book proposal. I'm optimistic that this book will be published and I'm going to need grounding during a process where I know I'm going to be experiencing a lot of over excitement. I'm going to need all the emotional and spiritual mentorship I can find. I may not have much time to be wandering around trying to find it. Having one teacher, one way, one practice will probably be the lifeboat I'm going to have to cling to as I get used to fulfilling my dreams.
There's that. There's the fact that in the next month both my parents turn 80. This may be their last decade. So the next ten years of my life are going to be filled I expect with elation and grief.
I'm going to need solid ground, solid friendships, a solid community to get me through. After almost ten years of travelling that I've been recording on this blog, this is where I finally put down roots.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Progress
How do I know I'm making progress? And what exactly is progress in timeless awareness? Progress is dependent on time and a sense of time, a self and a sense of self being better or getting worse. My mission is to increase the well-being, emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual and financial in my life. And in the lives of others. Accomplishing this mission depends on a sense and criteria for progress.
So by what markers do I know I'm making progress? Is it how many times a day I hear messages of compassion over messages of self-loathing? Is it how well I'm sleeping? Is it how I feel, generally in my heart? How much writing I'm getting done and how well my writing is going? Is it how happy my son seems? How well we're able to negotiate solutions to problems? The maturity and wisdom we bring to the problems we encounter? How do I know that I'm healing?
Is it just the quality of the energy I feel? How intentional my living feels?
I'm not going to answer this today. Just mull over these questions this week. And see if I can answer them next week.
Is it the taste of purification?
Is it joy?
Is it clarity?
Is it my ability to make a commitment?
Is it that I have more power?
Is it bliss and non-conceptual awareness?
So by what markers do I know I'm making progress? Is it how many times a day I hear messages of compassion over messages of self-loathing? Is it how well I'm sleeping? Is it how I feel, generally in my heart? How much writing I'm getting done and how well my writing is going? Is it how happy my son seems? How well we're able to negotiate solutions to problems? The maturity and wisdom we bring to the problems we encounter? How do I know that I'm healing?
Is it just the quality of the energy I feel? How intentional my living feels?
I'm not going to answer this today. Just mull over these questions this week. And see if I can answer them next week.
Is it the taste of purification?
Is it joy?
Is it clarity?
Is it my ability to make a commitment?
Is it that I have more power?
Is it bliss and non-conceptual awareness?
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Gratitude
I bought Ben an alarm clock yesterday. I've decided to extend my morning meditation practice to an hour. Part of my mission.
I did this a few years back. Standing first thing in the morning for an hour. Today maybe I'll take a look at my journals from that time. Back then I wanted to see what would happen. Now I know what will happen. My concentration, optimism, and self-esteem will increase. I'll have a more fully developed ability to bring joy into my life and into the lives of others. As far as I'm concerned, this is science.
There's an energy I feel, as one writer I've been reading recently puts it, this is a "thinking substance." I rest in this energy and I feel this clarity and lucidity that I know is a permanent quality in my life.
Unfortunately I still struggle with a lot of feeling that feel permanent when I'm feeling them, doubt, self-hatred, resentment, despair. But I know that feeling of permanence is a delusion. I don't try and fight these feelings, but I do try to become more conscious of their impermance.
The feeling that comes back to me again and again, which I consider one of the "technology" feelings like compassion, is gratitude. Like loving kindness, these are feelings that have the power to iterate positive liberating feelings in the brain. Gratitude is like a recursive feeling. It reinforces the good in life, which in turn reinforces other goods, and before you know you're seeing patterns of good in the world. Before you know it, you have a solid foundation for abundance.
As always, it's important to rest and allow feeling like gratitude and compassion some assimilation time. Walking through life, blissed out and silly, isn't practical and will eventually lead to a reaction. So small sips of joy, and gratitude, and hope are fine for now.
I did this a few years back. Standing first thing in the morning for an hour. Today maybe I'll take a look at my journals from that time. Back then I wanted to see what would happen. Now I know what will happen. My concentration, optimism, and self-esteem will increase. I'll have a more fully developed ability to bring joy into my life and into the lives of others. As far as I'm concerned, this is science.
There's an energy I feel, as one writer I've been reading recently puts it, this is a "thinking substance." I rest in this energy and I feel this clarity and lucidity that I know is a permanent quality in my life.
Unfortunately I still struggle with a lot of feeling that feel permanent when I'm feeling them, doubt, self-hatred, resentment, despair. But I know that feeling of permanence is a delusion. I don't try and fight these feelings, but I do try to become more conscious of their impermance.
The feeling that comes back to me again and again, which I consider one of the "technology" feelings like compassion, is gratitude. Like loving kindness, these are feelings that have the power to iterate positive liberating feelings in the brain. Gratitude is like a recursive feeling. It reinforces the good in life, which in turn reinforces other goods, and before you know you're seeing patterns of good in the world. Before you know it, you have a solid foundation for abundance.
As always, it's important to rest and allow feeling like gratitude and compassion some assimilation time. Walking through life, blissed out and silly, isn't practical and will eventually lead to a reaction. So small sips of joy, and gratitude, and hope are fine for now.
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