When did I lose faith in standing? I must have, since a barely do it anymore.
Now there are other practices: running, morning writing, body scanning. All important practices. But once I was deeply committed to standing. It was the only thing that I knew guaranteed me spectacular things. It worked, and I stopped.
I'm going to try and approach this without judgement. Just a quiet and gentle analysis.
I remember stopping in Banff because no one wanted me to go into the woods in the morning because of the Elk. I never quite got the practice back, in large part because in Banff I started to become aware of what bad cardiovascular shape I was in. So I started running.
Then I started becoming afraid of trees because birds were attacking me in the spring. Then I realized I was going to lose this apartment, and it became painful to stay attached to that place.
I feel the judgement creeping up. "You can't stay committed to anything."
Priming isn't working. I've had this as my homepage. It hasn't encouraged me to stand.
Maybe it's time to officially give up?
