A Saturday of meditation and fasting.
After the first 2 hr sit I asked myself how I would feel if it was a successful day. Joy. I can say that now because I feel that this is a dependable emotion for me now. That isn't to say that I didn't feel any painful emotion. I certainly did.
During my second 2 her sit, I felt such a strong wave of compassion, it was like I was feeling for all the suffering in the world that I could fit into my heart. I was dense and immeasurable despair. Then suddenly, a wet trickle of warmth began to flow in my heart, as though a trickle water was emerging from a crack in the ice.
I still hear the familiar hate myself refrain. But I practiced RAIN on it, bathed it in acceptance, and eventually it began to loosen, like a 3D hologram turning around beneath my gaze. I could see the hatred as simply solid energy, surrounded by other kinds of energy. All was energy, all the calm ocean like pleasure, all the pain, both petrified and sharp. All was awareness. I felt what Mingyur Rinpoche speaks of when he defines happiness as the experience of absolute wellbeing.
We are of the universe and the universe is always well, even if every part of it is dying.
During my last meditation, I just let go. Let go of my pain, of my self, of the content of my past. I let go as though I was dying, returning home. It was a happiness that could sustain itself. It was joy as achievable as a water pump. No more waiting around for the ice to crack.
