Thursday, December 16, 2010

snowglobe

This morning Ben's bus didn't come. It was a bitter feeling, cold, slushy, cars rushing around us. By the grace of god another parent showed up to drive the kids to school. It felt like this could not be a good morning to go be with my willow. But I put on my sweater and my big boots and I went.
When I got there it was magic. The sun was hitting the spot in such a way that the cold was broken and I was just warm enough to stand forever if I wanted. The pond was empty and the light snow that was falling was infused with warm mid morning light. I watched the pond and absorbed the space and stillness. Then I sat for a while and watched the bright pieces of snow dance around.
Last night Ben and I discovered a snow globe that my mother had bought him last christmas. When you turn a switch a lamp comes on, switches colors, occassional a mechanical buzz indicates that the glitter is being stirred. It's quite pretty and fun in the evening. And I caught ben reading by it this morning. It's magic. But not as magic as this lovely moment in the park was for me. So easy to stay in the present moment when the present moment so lovely. I'm realizing now more and more the importance of getting outside for meditation. I can carry this moment inside of me all day, and in a certain sense all my life.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Winter Willow

There's a light snowstorm this morning. I went out to the park to sit beneath my willow tree. It's winter so of course the leaves are gone. But the drooping branches, so many, protect me from the wind and snow. I feel the power in stillness. I feel a deeply rooted cool as I stare out over the snow covered pond. I will nurture this feeling everyday and it will keep me safe from the change and the challenges and the anger of the people who surround me. It will help me to ease their anger and bring peace and power into their lives.
We focus so much on the brain and not nearly enough on the trunk. As though the source of the tree's strength is its leaves and its tiny branches. But the core of the tree's strength is nothing we can see. That's where its magnificence lies, not in its branches, but in its roots.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Leaning on my tree

Today I went to the park to stand in the sunglazed blue sky. I did a little chi kung. Stood for a while and felt the calm of the snow covered lake. And then I just leaned again the weeping willow with its golden leaves. when I felt the strength of that tree supporting me I suddenly realized how depleted of energy and strength I've become.
I've always considered the recommendation of doing the standing outside as not really important. For me what was important was to do it for long periods, or daily. But doing it outside brings an entirely different quality to the practice. A clear headedness that is difficult in my apartment. I feel a little bit of despair coming in here after the practice. But I know I'm going to use some of my energy to de clutter and dust Ben's room. I know that the outside will start soon to bleed into the inside. And I'll become a happier person and a better mother.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 5

Zhan Zhuang is very much about surrendering the magnificent energy that drives nature, the cosmos, growth and, yes, disintegration. Unlike most exercises, which are primarily about using effort to get energy, Zhuan Zhuang teaches you to tap into the energy that is already there, and is far more powerful than anything you can achieve on your own.

This week I'm going outside, even through the weather is almostly defiantly crappy. Today in Montreal an icy rain has covered all the sidewalks in a layer of danger. But it did mean that the park was empty. I stood in the cold rain, next to a tree and felt this huge, quiet, deeply cleansing energy that I can never really experience in my apartment.

I don't go outside enough. So my challenge this year is to cultivate an outdoors standing habit. Apparently if you stand near trees it's as good, better even, than any anti-depressant, and I'm feeling the need to do some serious brain cleaning.

Position three really helps with this. If position two is about the energy that enters the body through the heart, position four is about the brain. When I do this I actually feel my brain relaxing, almost cracking like a knucke. I feel sense of surrender and the universe just slowly flowing in and removing all the stress. Developing the desire for this relief is a large part of changing your psyche for the better and in a permanent way. And it's a wonderful remedy for brain lock.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

iced pond

I don't go outside enough for my practice. I know, I'm self-conscious. Zhan Zhuang is weird, it's cold, etc. Lots of excuses to stay inside and breathe the same stale are that is not exactly brimming with bright chi in my house. So I'm making a commitment to do at least some standing outside every day in the lovely park near my house.

There's a beautifully landscaped man made pond there, with tall old trees. This morning it's starting to get cold, weather turning into winter. The pond is icing over. Last week I noticed duck waddling their way across the ice. They're gone now. Just seagulls now, with yellowing weeping willows. But the sun is bright and feels good and warm on my back no matter how bitterly it is cold.

second position

In the Way to Power Lam Kam Chuen says that chi is stored in the Tan Tien, but enters the body through the heart. He also says you cannot think your way into this practice, you need to feel it. Second position is about generating a feeling for chi kung, and through this feeling a love and committment. In first position I feel the energy start to flow through my body. I might feel it under my armpits and lifting my hands and arms gently. But in second position I feel it as a balloon of energy. I feel it as an external force, pressing gently against my chest, the same chest I once held my newborn son. Gently holding this balloon how can my emotions not begin to de stress, how can my heart not begin to feel gradually full. Get this feeling everyday and how can you not be assured that you can always find happiness, at least in this?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 4

As professor Yu says, the more you practice the better you feel. Zhan Zhuang really is that simple. Whenever I get back to it I can believe I ever stopped doing it. It's such a guaranteed deep mind boost. I do feel the silent laughter that he talks about, deep in my belly is still feel the deep tickle of energy in my Tan Tien.

So glad to be back.

Monday, November 22, 2010

my hypothesis

So I've had a hypothesis ever since I started this blog that Zhan Zhuang would lead me towards a good life. And not just a good life, but an amazing life. Because that's what an adventure should be, an experience of things that are amazing.

I still believe that, even though I keep letting go of my practice every time my life starts getting exciting. This is my challenge to maintain my practice through the exciting times. It's easy to take up my practice when my life has sunk into despair and I'm depleted of energy. The magnetic force that renews me is always there. But can I keep it up when I start to experience the high of success?

Maybe that's the wrong question. Will it still be there? Of course it is. This energy is always there. It never goes away. It is the essence of love. There.

But maybe that's why it's so important to take it slow. Even when all I want to do is stand. I need to take it slow and see how it slowly influences my decisions so that they lead to the kind of incremental success that doesn't blow itself up.

Day 3

In this segment, Professor Yu speaks about watching the marvels of change as we practice standing. I've found this to be true whenever I've remained committed to this practice, that I've witnessed changes in my body, connections to energy, feelings and alterations of consciousness that are beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Far more interesting that television, reading, even travel, although doing Zhan Zhuang does not exclude the doing of any of these things.

I hope this blog can be a record of my changes.

Today I feel the tingling of energy returning to my Tan Tien. I'm really enjoying the process of just observing energy in Wu Chi position. As the years go by I become more sensitive to the energy that flows through me just in the basic standing position. I wonder if the rewards of standing still are an evolutionary process. Those who can stand still do stand a better chance of survival, they make less noise, they can blend in to the forest. They can observe and have a better sense of what's around them. They have the discipline of being quiet. These amazing feelings that flow through us, are these rewards for developing this survival skill?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 2

I agree with the students that one of the challenges for people who practice Standing is that it's so unusual and people think you're weird. After years of experiencing its benefits, I'm over that problem. But I do wish that standing were more common. For me, as a single mother, who can't really find the time to go to classes, the hardest thing has been maintaining this practice without a community.

At the same time, it would be difficult to keep it up if I didn't have a high tolerance for solitude. I'm a writer. Solitude is the foundation of my career. So it makes sense that I would choose a physical practice that would cross-train with that skill, as it were. Community it important, but you do probably have to have a strong sense of self to keep this up. And I believe it's helped me to build a stronger sense of self.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Stand Still Be Fit

Just discovered this today, the ten day video of Lam Kam Chuen's program. I'm resisting urge to watch them all in one sitting. Mostly because I've been realizing that one of the problems I have in maintaining this practice is that I'm not starting slow enough anymore. In the past that has always been the key to sticking with it, starting out slow and allowing the urge to develop on its own. So right now I'm just going to stick with the wu chi position, enjoying the simple feeling of natural healing instead of striving for mind altering energy shots, and allowing and trusting that healing to chart its own path.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Simple Plan

I've been reading another book about power by Thich Nhat Hanh. The foundation of power, the very first building block in his book is Faith. I've been struggling the last day trying to make myself believe I can do things that for whatever reason right now I don't believe I can do. Slowly over the last day I've whittled myself down to the one thing I do believe in, the one thing I've believed in for years. Standing. I believe if I take the time to stand everyday, if I make it the foundation of my life I will have all the energy and power I need to accomplish the things that need to be accomplished in my life. I will have the diligence, which is the memory of what works an the continuting to do it. I will have the mindfulness, which grows out of the stillness of this practice and becomes a natural urge through this stillness. And the concentration will grow out of the mindfulness, and the insight will grow out of the concentration.

Yes I can get up early every morning to stand. But the most important thing in this plan is to just stand, everyday, throughout the day, whenever I need it. Standing needs to be my default practice, not watching t.v. not eating, not internet surfing. Standing. That is freedom for me. That is the path towards everything I really want out of life.

It is the science of abundance. Know that you will get what you need, be deeply grateful for what you have and what you will get.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Commitment

So here I am back after two months.

My mind has been on other things. My book, which drifted off to limbo when the editor quit the major publishing house. I got into hypnosis, which has been an interesting experience and has, if nothing else, helped me to lose that fifteen pounds I've been struggling with. A major online magazine asked to do a recap of a show that I love, but that keeps me up late.

But my body is stiff and I really miss this quiet morning time. And I miss the energy, and I'm sure that if I let the practice go it will affect my writing.

So how to really, really get that commitment to stay solid inside of me?

There are two ways that I know of. Visualize it daily. Visualize the rewards, the energy, the confidence, the power. Feel it. Step into that body that I would be if I made a lifetime commitment to this.

Be aware how much my reality is affected by not practicing. Feel the manic energy and buzzy stress that seems to be taking over again. Feel it and know that I don't want that to be the thing that drives me.

Keep the navigational tools pointed up....

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm connected

Just now I did a simple 20 minute stand. Just noticed the energy and trusted it to ease physical and emotional tensions. Eventually I had a sharp stabbing reminder that I might hear from the editor today, or this week. And with that reminder the fear of rejection.
And then a reminder that as long as I'm standing I'm connected to this energy. And a contemplative thought that this fear of being rejected by an editor might be a smaller version of a deeper fear. That one day I will be rejected by this energy.
And then a reminder that one day I'm going to die and feel what might feel at that moment like the ultimate rejection.
And then an insight that this energy might--no let's say will--step in at the last moment and take me for the final moment of connection.

Interesting talk I saw this morning by Victor Frankl in which he argued that living is a lot like flying a small plane. You have to adjust for wind currents. If you aim directly for where you want to go, the current will usually bring you to a spot below. To go where you need to go, you actually have to aim for a spot above. If we aim to be who we are in reality, we will probably end up below that. If we aim to be better than we are, then we usually end up being what we really are. Frankl links this to Goethe. I think I'll go find a quote to inspire myself.

"All theory, dear friend, is gray, but the golden tree of life springs ever green."

My new lifetime commitment

I'm a little flu ish this morning. Up early standing and then not sure if I really want to stand. Wrote for a bit, because my monkey mind thinks sometimes that's what I should be doing to make my writing better. Writing more. And there is truth to that. But I think it's a mistake to make writing the primary purpose. Being is the primary purpose. I think it's a more effective way to live, and to create.
That's my theory.
But the reality is that standing is hard. It is the hardest thing I've every done. To keep it up I have to believe that this really is the best thing for me to be doing. The best way to use my time. The best way to start my day.
The only way to start my day. The only way.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The answer to the question

So seven months ago more or less, I asked myself a scientific question. Would making consciousness the primary purpose in my life empower my secondary purpose, being a writer.
I got my answer seven months, rather than six months later. An editor at Penguin is enthusiastically interested in my book proposal. So now I believe that it works.
But of course, I'm tempted to make writing my primary purpose, because that's what society rewards us for. Making work my primary purpose has, in the past, derailed me from my practice. And then, ironically, when I get de-railed from that my work suffers.
So enough writing about standing. Time to go stand.

Friday, April 30, 2010

A big change

Okay so it was closer to seven months than six months that this happened, but I am definitely a huge step closer to one of my deepest dreams. An editor at a major publishing house has expressed enthusiastic interest in the book idea I sent her. So I'm feeling pretty confident I've got a book deal on the horizon.

How do I credit Zhan Zhuan with this accomplishment. Well it kept me steady during a really anxious time, when I'd cut back on my job. But I took that extra time to explore ideas and create and write, instead finding knee jerk jobs out of financial fear. And well, it's paid off. So thanks ZZ!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Six Months

So this it. I've reached the six month goal that I set. And if I've noticed one major change recently it's that I've become more goal oriented. Achieving goals does that to you.

I've always been pretty suspicious of goal directed living. It smells to me of meritocracy. And I always worry that when one gets too focussed on goals one can so easily forget to take the time to just be.

At the same time there is an undeniable energy that comes from a life of action. It's a more manic energy. Or at least it feels like that to me today. So it's important to remember to take the time to breathe and make sure ones actions are coming from a relaxed intuitive place.

The great gift that this six months has given me, I think, it that it has helped me develop the habit of bookending my days with nurturing relaxed time. Standing in the morning. Early, quiet sleeptime in the evening. I want to be more active, but I don't want the habits of action to lead me into debilitating stress.

It's good to focus on the next small action, on the present moment. It's good to be organized in one's thinking and one's life. It's good, however, and really important to be able to take the time to feel the big picture.

I had a moment the other day: "Pre dawn purple sky. Birds up. What's going to happen with my life. Oh right, this is my life."

Monday, March 8, 2010

Finishing

I'm coming towards my goal, and I feel myself tempted to undermine my efforts. Cutting my meditation shorter. Starting to think of other things I might do in this morning time (morning pages.)

This is a typical pattern for me. I don't bring the project to its completion, and then I don't really feel the rewards and the energy that comes from achieving a goal. Instead of petering out though. I'm going to really put some energy into making this last month one that's filled with good oxytocin highs. Just the earlier dawn is making this cycle feel like a flourishing one. I'm also going to try to draw the energy from this completed project into the beginning of my next blog project. Getting the damn house clean.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

how I've really changed

So I'm nearing the six month mark of my project. I'm not exactly the massive energy magnet that I envisioned. I'm not richer, or demonstrably more successful when I was when I started out.

But I've changed in a fundamental way, I think.

I've changed by re-framing my desire to change. I don't meditate anymore to change, I meditate to be conscious and aware that the life I have and the being that I am is sufficient. Paradoxically, being aware of my sufficiency seems to make that energy grow more quickly and more strongly than if I'm conscious of what I lack and try to get "more."

This doesn't mean that I've given up action. But my action is motivated by wanting to change the world so that it will allow people to be what they are, and be more accepting. I'll have to think about that a little more. But my philosophy, my vision of life is changing.

My dream is changing.

Monday, February 1, 2010

In praise of mild happiness

Just recently discovered the psychologist Robert Boice. He claims that the best state of mind to write in is mild happiness. Write everyday, from a life that encourages this state of mild happiness.

When I think of happiness, whether I mean to or not I usually think of bliss, or achieving transcendence. And I'm not knocking those awesome feelings. But mild happiness as well. This is a state of mind that I've not usually aimed for. I know it's important, but I've never thought of mild happiness as a real goal.

Just did a short stand, 20 minutes. And I feel nice. Not hyperactive, or hyperfocussed. Just good, that I have this energy that I seem to be able to access easily throughout the day, and from this place I make a lot of small decisions to make my life better. To take action to make my life better, instead of choosing compulsive activities, like surfing the internet, or whatever. Small healthy pleasures, like five minute room rescues suddenly have more appeal to me. Rather than this big stimulating pleasures that I've become addicted to.

Looking forward to seeing how this progresses and how it shapes my writing goals.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The day my depression died

Something changed last night.

Insomnia, I just couldn't seem to get that oxytocin self soothing I've been able to induce when I wake up in the middle of the night. Just this rigid, impotent buzzing.

So I decided to stand.

I guess I'd been standing for about twenty minutes, pushing it, and surrendering, the sort of push pull I experience when I'm doing this. I started to feel this very strong and concrete post of energy. My arms and hands started to shift around in some weird feeling branchy ways. I was just quietly being still with this energy. Trying to rest in cool detachment, trying not to get too excited and trusting that it would come back when I seemed to be losing it. And then suddenly this lame, annoying stale energy came back. Or rather I became very conscious and hyperaware of the part of my brain where this energy came from. I was outside of of it, just watching it kind of flame up, and I realized that this part of my brain was kind of having one last hurrah, because I was about to leave that part of my brain to die. I realized that even if I ever felt that feeling again, those neurons would never have the same power they once had.

And then gradually I started to make my way to the new part of my brain. The pre-frontal cortex maybe? That part of my brain felt fresh, calm, strong, confident. Vital in a really flourishing, not manic way. That was the new place for me. It was a place I knew well, but had been visiting from time to time. It was my new home though. I knew it.

Did some counting realized that I was six months from my birthday. My real birthday if you believe my mother, since it was my due date.

I'm going to celebrate this day, January 31 for the rest of my life. The day when my real brain came alive. The day when the best part of my life really began.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The clearer path

I'm a little over three months into this, and the path is becoming clearer. I know that what is pumping through my body is the same natural opiate that pumped through my body during breastfeeding. And when I stand what I am for now is the letting down, that state when the milk flows, the opiate flows, and the bliss flows. I know now that if I commit to this that opiate can be there for me daily. And if what Norman Doidge says is true then I will be able to forget some of my past self-destructive behaviours and lean ones that will guarantee this steady flow of natural high.

Is this how I want to live my life? Of course.

The question is how do I enable other people to discover this?

My first stage is to trust in the process. My next stage is to get people to trust me.

But right now it's all about commitment. This is the commitment opiate, so they say.

My life suffers from a lack of commitment. A lack of structure that allows this learning drug to flow regularly and create more structured action in my life.

So what's the plan?

I guess #1. Get the flow going stronger.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

stand, sleep, write

So I'm more and more convinced that when my brain, gut-brain, heart brain, and whatever brains there are in my body are opening up that I'm getting a rush of oxytocin. And this oxytocin rush is helping me to learn new healthier behaviours. And more importantly, helping me to forget old ones.

I''m still struggling to find the best way to express this. I see a year, like Liz Gilbert, but without the advance. Doing the three things I need to do to make a good life for myself. One: stand. It's still a challenge and Ben is now developing the habit of getting up early. So my meditation hour is being disrupted. But fine, then, little one. You can go to bed a little earlier tonight to make up for that. No way though, that doesn't make sense that he would start a habit of rising that early.

The next thing is sleep. I look into the effects of getting to bed early, giving up the T.V. feeling the advantages of regular sleep. I felt the advantages of them last night. Woke up with some dumb grievance on my mind about a blog I had read. Decided to stand and tap into the oxytocin, did a bit of self-hypnosis to get myself tired again, and within about half an hour I was fast asleep again.

And the next stage would be to write. How does writing change our lives, our culture, our brain. How does writing change our brain. What is the current theory behind writing, according to that French guy and the global workspace theorists. How can we change our brain to make us better writers. How can good writing make us more empathetic and a better community?

My job is to explore that. But also, how can writing change our heart, our lives?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

this is it

Not a particularly disciplined meditation this morning. Feeling drained from that time of the month. Ben woke up early. Just stood really. But near the end of it, that vein in my brain opened up and I felt that oxytocin high, which I know from breastfeeding and sex and I guess labour. And I got it. This is what is happening. I feel calm. I feel connected and trusting of the world and the universe. This is the transformation. A commitment to this everyday would transform my brain and my heart and my life. That's why meditation is transformative.

And weirdly woman are more able to recognize it than men, since we have more bonding experiences.

But yes, this is it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

0xytocin

Watching the Daniel gilbert series on PBS. It reminded me about the theory of oxytocin and bonding. Apparently when we have sex, or breast feed or cuddle, we release oxy into our bloodstream and this helps us to bond.

I've done all these things and I suddenly just now, when I was meditating, recognized the feeling of when the energy opens my body and brain up as an oxytocin high.

So if I continue to do this what am I bonding with. The universe? God. My mind?

Monday, January 11, 2010

I'm happy

As long as I can remember, and still after a fairly rigorous meditation practice, on and off, I've always had intrusive thoughts telling me I'm depressed. Today for the first time I can remember I had and intrusive thought telling me I'm happy.

A lot of that, I think, has to do with getting a good sleep. I have had nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. But last couple of nights I've slept through the eight hours I gave myself, and it does feel really good.

Been reading Jeffrey Schwartz The Mind and the Brain. Had a theory yesterday that just as I used to have intrusive negative thoughts when I was suffering from OCD as my brain becomes healthier I will start having intrustive positive thoughts. Intrusive silence, intrusive peace, intrusive happiness. Then positive mental health will be my driving force.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

the opposite of depression

I've been watching Daniel Gilbert's PBS documentary on emotions. In the second installment Elizabeth Gilbert said something that has struck me like a bolt of lightning. The opposite of depression is not happiness. That is the opposite of sadness. The opposite of depression is vitality.

This is of course what I'm doing in this practice and with my chronotherapy. Setting up a life structure that will maximize my vitality. That would be the aim of a healthy diet, if I were to get back to that! Cleaning, eating and sleeping well, meditating. All these things are about creating a life that will bring in the vitality that will eventually flood out this depression. It seems so simple, but never is to my depressed mind.