I'm connected

Just now I did a simple 20 minute stand. Just noticed the energy and trusted it to ease physical and emotional tensions. Eventually I had a sharp stabbing reminder that I might hear from the editor today, or this week. And with that reminder the fear of rejection.
And then a reminder that as long as I'm standing I'm connected to this energy. And a contemplative thought that this fear of being rejected by an editor might be a smaller version of a deeper fear. That one day I will be rejected by this energy.
And then a reminder that one day I'm going to die and feel what might feel at that moment like the ultimate rejection.
And then an insight that this energy might--no let's say will--step in at the last moment and take me for the final moment of connection.

Interesting talk I saw this morning by Victor Frankl in which he argued that living is a lot like flying a small plane. You have to adjust for wind currents. If you aim directly for where you want to go, the current will usually bring you to a spot below. To go where you need to go, you actually have to aim for a spot above. If we aim to be who we are in reality, we will probably end up below that. If we aim to be better than we are, then we usually end up being what we really are. Frankl links this to Goethe. I think I'll go find a quote to inspire myself.

"All theory, dear friend, is gray, but the golden tree of life springs ever green."

My new lifetime commitment

I'm a little flu ish this morning. Up early standing and then not sure if I really want to stand. Wrote for a bit, because my monkey mind thinks sometimes that's what I should be doing to make my writing better. Writing more. And there is truth to that. But I think it's a mistake to make writing the primary purpose. Being is the primary purpose. I think it's a more effective way to live, and to create.
That's my theory.
But the reality is that standing is hard. It is the hardest thing I've every done. To keep it up I have to believe that this really is the best thing for me to be doing. The best way to use my time. The best way to start my day.
The only way to start my day. The only way.

The answer to the question

So seven months ago more or less, I asked myself a scientific question. Would making consciousness the primary purpose in my life empower my secondary purpose, being a writer.
I got my answer seven months, rather than six months later. An editor at Penguin is enthusiastically interested in my book proposal. So now I believe that it works.
But of course, I'm tempted to make writing my primary purpose, because that's what society rewards us for. Making work my primary purpose has, in the past, derailed me from my practice. And then, ironically, when I get de-railed from that my work suffers.
So enough writing about standing. Time to go stand.