I'm back to standing regularly.
Not because I have an urge to stand. Not because I believe, at this moment, that it's good for me. Not for any of the reasons I did in the past.
I'm back because I have written this out as a meaningful goal. To continue my morning standing practice. It is a goal, like getting a book contract, that is important to me at a level deeper than just feeling.
For the next while, I'm going to place less trust in my feelings and intuitions. More trust in what I know works and doesn't work in my life. Standing works to make me feel better and stronger and more vital. It always has. It helps me manage my stress, and keep my body and energy strong. It makes me feel powerful, whatever the circumstances in my life.
No let's correct that. It doesn't make me "feel" powerful. It makes me powerful. If I work on the exercises and push myself, it makes me powerful. Through it I tap into power.
I am, and have always been afraid of being powerful. Because there is anxiety in power.
I made a mistake a while back, I think, in deciding that I was no longer going to be driven by anxiety. There is healthy anxiety and that can be a good force in one's life. If one taps it, it can be really helpful, make you focus, get you moving.
Right now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and I can use that to make a better life for myself and Ben.
I can use standing to manage that anxiety, and to manage the anxiety that comes with having a thriving, busy life. I want to live quietly, but having a rich life is still important to me. Seeing and living with life's complexity is important to me.
So, I stand.
