Self control

I read something yesterday that hit me like a bolt of lightening. From The Power of Now. The single most important,vital thing we need to do to achieve enlightenment is to stop identifying Self with Mind. The mind is a tool. The self is awareness. What we talk about when we talk about self control is usually mental control. We struggle and we struggle to control the "self."  But the problem is that the thing we're trying to control isn't actually the self. It's the mind. The self is awareness.  If we give more power to awareness, awareness of the body, of the present moment, of the mechanics and habits of the mind--our most powerful tool-- the "control" falls into place. Because we've simply restored control to the self.  As long as the mind is in control, which is what happens when we fall into the delusion of seeing it as "self", we'll never have the control we need and crave. It's like we're trying to get a grip on a rope with which to pull ourself up with but it's not attached to anything solid. So we're tangled up uselessly tugging at this untethered rope and falling down again and again.  Awareness is the solid thing, the top of the rockface.
  Putting awareness back in control is the start and the end goal of meditation. It helps us clear up all the distracting habits of mind that keep us from cultivating true vitality. It helps us notice when the mind isn't really serving us and helps us reshape it so that it does.
  I've known this thing instinctively, and I've probably read it many,many times, but for some reason I forget it and it's only really sticking with me right now. Perhaps because the quality of my mind is not always great, so I fall prey to this delusion again and again.
  My goal this year is to really focus on improving my mind.  I'm a writer, it's my tool.  It needs rest.  It needs more reading and less television.It needs meditation woven into everything I do, writing, eating, exercise, reading. But at the same time, I need to recognize that it's not me. There may always be bugs in my mind, poor short term memory, the consequences of a lifetime of bickering and emotional squalor. Maybe I have a tool that will never be quite right.  But this tool is not my self.  My self is awareness and that is always there when I need it. Always working well.  I can always come back to that.
  I will always come back to that.  

If not a friend, then at least an interesting companion

It is five in the morning, the Sunday before Christmas.  The year is coming to a close. And I think I can safely say that I have grown.

I feel a different energy in me. Something more sustained and sustainable that I've ever had.  I sit quietly from time to time and just feel it, in my heart, in my gut, in my brain. Sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's magnetic, sometimes it is liquid and sometimes effervescent.

I hope to be in constant conversation with this energy all my life. Creativity I'm beginning to believe is a state of conversation.  Sometimes we go off and have this conversation with ourselves, taking great care to make sure that our contribution to the conversation of civilization is the best it can be.

Sometimes we just blurt it out. But what's important is that we show up, seeking to understand and be understood.

Today, I just want to rest in gratitude for this wonderful year.  Last year it ended with money.  This year with some stature.  An award and a great writing credit.

Next year, I have to score a book deal if I'm going to continue writing.

But that's just writing.  If I'm going to continue being happy, sustaining the mild happiness that is so essential to writing, I'm going to have to keep meditating.  I'm going to have to continue cultivating compassion.  I'm going to have to work on going to bed early in my tidy home.

Above all I'm going to have to continue believing that my happiness is of greater benefit to the world than my misery.

So, yeah, overexcitement

So yesterday I hit the international stage. Opinion piece in Sunday Review of New York Times, many retweets, some important followers. Pressure to make the most of this opportunity.

Now I want to hide because I know how vulnerable I am to overexcitement, the near enemy of joy, according to Pema Chodron.  The question is can I use overexcitement as a support for practice?  Can I train my mind, brain, heart to dial it down naturally? The answer to that is yes.  Now the question is how.

Well I am in this moment, as soon as I finish this statement, going to just be present with the overexcitement.

Did that for a few moments, shifted to open awareness.

But I'm back again relentlessly reviewing my success, every word in my article, all my dreams and plans for ego gratification.

Breathe.  Breathe. Breathe.

Listen to my Tulpa.

He says I need to spend fifteen minutes tidying my bedroom.  It's a mess.

So I'm going to go do that.

Challenges of Success

So the success is ramping up. I have an Op Ed piece coming out in the Sunday Review of The New York Times. Not this week because I was bumped by the death of Nelson Mandela.  But more likely next week.
 Already I'm finding it hard to maintain the hour of practice.  I feel the creeping presence of the delusion of a self overburdened with responsibility. I'm not as alone as I think or I wouldn`t have been able to do this piece.  I had my Tulpa with me prodding me.  But it`s like I keep forgetting that he's there. It's easier to be conscious of him when I'm alone.
  I try to stay focussed on the fundamentals.  If I'm having problems keeping to a particular focus in my standing practice, I just try to do open awareness. I try to wear my sense of presence like a watch. Consulting it regularly to see if I'm on, or wandering off.
  Above all, for the next few weeks, and the next year, I need to see myself as someone interconnected and well supported. Someone who is open to life and not in a constant, chronic state of resistance.