Seriously

When I was a kid my family had a cottage in Maine on the beach, and the summer I turned eleven, one morning I was walking by myself on this beautiful beach, with the vast sky above me, and waves crashes and the seagulls swooping, and it was low tide, so I was far from people.  And I felt this massive huge connection to something, this vast energy, which as a 10 year old practicing Catholic, who had gone through all the rites of communion and confirmation and who went to mass every Sunday,  I understood as God. And I walked with it and felt it in every part being, and eventually it manifested in very clear vision of what I was going to do with my life.  I was going to become the first woman pope.

I didn't tell my family about this right away. I think I may have actually spent a couple of days planning it out, and visuallizing all the resistance I would face. I figured first I'd probably have to become a nun, but over time I would build a revolutionary army of nuns. 

But eventually I told my mother, and she laughed a withering laugh that cut to the core of my soul. 

I was so angry, because of course she was laughing at me. I didn't realize how she was laughing at the harshness of reality. 

This week Sinead O'Connor died. 56, only a few years younger than me. 

I remember how I felt when she tore up the picture of the Pope on SNL.  I wasn't a fan of the pope, and I'd long since given up my fantasy.  But it irritated me, because it felt immature and the wrong kind of danger. It was women taking themselves too seriously in a world where sometimes it's not really worth it. 

But she gave her heart. 

In the end that's what we need to remember about each other. 

Subtle Body Retreat

There are two paths into the subtle body.  The path through the body, exercise, body scanning, anything that nurtures, or throws into relief what the body is experiencing and feeling.  Then there is the path through the mind, visualization, deity practice, tummo. 

The first has many advantages. It is grounding. It is nurturing for the body. It is real.  But it is the body.  It is impermanent, it is relative, its joys and realizations will not last 

The second has the advantage of the absolute. It is the mind and as such is connected to the bigger mind that will outlast the body. But the mind is very powerful.  Enter first through this pathway, without a good foundation, without a healthy, skilled horse (body), and you can lose your way, become overwhelmed and disconnected. 

I come out of this retreat feeling deeply rejuvenated by the middle way.  I am doubly committed to resting in the nature of mind as my main practice, with tantra and tummo as the boosters. What is essential is the recognition of the union of emptiness and clarity. 

But I am also more enthusiastic about getting back to my tai chi and chi kung practices. And running. The body is impermanent. The window that I have for enjoying my strength, and building it to enjoy a healthy old age is closing. Next week I turn 60! 

The gros body needs attention too! 

What am I excited about? And who am I excited for?

Saw Elizabeth Gilbert a couple of months ago. 

She set a challenge to herself over her last book tour to ask everyone she met what they were excited about. The answers were funny, touching, but also insightful. Especially the answer from the cab driver in London, a stressed, angry despairing overworked father, who was insulted by the implication that everyone should be able or willing to answer that question. 

When she stopped asking that question regularly, she shut down. Stopped remembering events.  Stopped feeling present in life. 

I asked that question of myself that evening. It was my tantra practice, in particular White Tara. I want to make this my main practice. I want to see what impact that will have on my life.  I want to see what impact it will have on the lives around me. 

Other takeaways from that evening.  Write to one person.  And write for an hour every day, no less and no more. 

I'm trying to get my writing practice back.  So who would I be excited about writing for? 

Anytime Anywhere

This weekend I attend the launch of the Anytime Anywhere Meditation program, which I've committed myself to teaching. 

I'm making this a retreat weekend, so last night no streaming.  I sat with my insomnia, my desire to sleep, my anxiety at not being able to sleep. 

And then it hit me. AAN is about letting the default mind do what it wants to do, and just being present with that. I let go of the need for clear mind, tummo, all the things I've been bearing down on and just let my mind go. I was asleep within the hour. 

It was a bit of a spirograph moment, this realization that I'm really not trying to shut down the PFC. The yada, yada, yada can just keep yada-ing. 

My job as a teacher is to convey that moment. 

Meanwhile, I can feel distraction and bliss at the same time!