Sunday, February 24, 2013

My Energy Bank

The energy in my Tan Tien is beginning to stabilize. I feel it as a more reliable flow, accessible to me more easily.  Like a bank with a steady flow of money.

This week I had an allegory that served me well.  I imagined that the vitality in my gut was the equivalent of a billion dollars.  A massive amount of energy and power, of security, excitement and freedom that was available to me at any point.  All I had to do was to be aware of it.  Whenever my monkey mind wandered off into another petty, or quotidian obsession, I would equate this with an indifferent decision to walk away from an easy billion dollars.

I will try to frame the decision to practice more like this throughout the week.  I can  watch T.V., another episode of S.U.V. or some really tired, stressful show.  Or I can have my billion dollars and   all the feelings that go with that.  All the feelings of security, of potential for unlimited generosity.  Of unlimited adventure.

It's an interesting exercise, thinking about how to spend this billion dollars.

But the best part is reconnecting with that vitality and confidence that happens when my Tan Tien is full and functional.

Deep comfort, security, well being have never been things I've valued.  Maybe because I've never known them, or known that I had a right to want these things.  Or that there was the possibility of having these things.

I knew that it was possible for other people to have them.  But when I have this deep, core energy, I know that it's possible for me to have it.

I'm aware of what is available to me, this deep, deep peace.

This morning I had the thought that I'm kind of like an energy farmer, cultivating, tending accumulating this energy.

But I kind of like the idea of feeling like an energy banker. Having all this physical and spiritual wealth that I can use for others, to connect them and to enrich their lives.

Okay, maybe that feels a little grandiose.  But the main thing is I want to enjoy it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Heartburn

I had a strange outcome in practice this morning.

All week I`ve been feeling the regeneration of my gut, but this morning it was flooded with an almost alchemical memory of the bile I've been living with much of my life.  Rather than the warm, pleasant energy I've been experiencing deep in my core, I became aware of how angry and afraid I've been in a place deeper than muscle memory.   This is liver memory.  Or something like that.  I feel a wave of vague heartburn in my heart.

It's strange because I'm not sick.  I can actually feel it coming from a place of health.  Like the way you have to confront grime and grunge when you feel a strong determination to clean under a sink. It's like I'm going into my emotional plumbing.  Even my emotional septic tank.

It's not a comfortable place, but it's kind of exciting, because I don't really know what's at the other side.

If I work through this bilious feeling, is there a deeper purification that I'm about to taste?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Living from my gut

This week I've been feeling the tingling from my Tan Tien re-generating. My lower body is starting to feel more solid.  I have have felt myself as a very big cell of energy with the nucleus at the Tan Tien. When I get to this stage the purpose of my life is so clear, to just build and live from this energy.
  I have nothing to lose from living this way, and everything to gain. I sleep better, I make better decisions. I connect better with other people.  I write better.
  So why is there this "but."  Why is the undermining energy so much stronger. Why do I keep cycling back to this point of crisis.  Or does it just feel stronger? I'm here aren't I?  This journal has continued and been a foundation for me to bring me back again and again and again to this practice.   And every I return, I realize how much I've still retained in my body and psyche.
  I guess it feels stronger because I'm so attached to it.  If I could accomplish the trick of making the undermining energy the foundation of my practice than the undermining energy would be the fuel that drives my practice. At which point the healthier, more nurturing energy would grow naturally.
  And this time it will stay.

Tan Tien, purpose, meaning, energy, habit

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Seeing is believing

My practice has hit a new level in the last week.  In large part this is because I`ve been cultivating the habit of seeing the ball of energy.  Or rather, resting in my visual awareness of the ball.  It`s a subtle distinction, but it's important.  In the past I've tried to "visualize" this energy.  But I realized recently that not only do I not need to visualize it, visualizing is counter productive.  It sets up a parameter in my my mind that I'm somehow creating or imagining this energy.  But I'm not creating it.  I know it's there.  I can feel it, and if I can feel it then I can see it.  Just because the energy is clear doesn't mean I'm not seeing it. What I'm seeing is the clarity of magnetic energy.
  And when I see it, it's like my brain is much more easily able to rest in it.  Seeing it is a deeper peace than merely feeling it.  My brain relaxes at a new level of faith.  It sees the energy, so my arms merely relax into it, and eventually my body relaxes into it.
  I've discovered that seeing the energy makes it easier to recall throughout the day, when I want to take a moment to rest my mind, or do informal practice.
  The more I see, the stronger my faith in this energy grows, as does its power as a source of happiness.
  This morning it entered that extremely solid state that I think of as metal energy.  When the force field is so strong, I feel it could hold up buildings.  When I rest my mind in an energy this visceral and mighty, it's hard not to feel stable, confident and optimistic

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Purpose

My sense of purpose is returning. Whenever I maintain my standing practice over a consistent period I can't help but see the obvious.  That I, and everyone, is here to be happy.  To maintain the ability to rest in calm, peace and beauty.  To feel love and tenderness towards each other, and ourselves. To see how essential our link with nature is.
  This is especially obvious when I've been getting enough sleep.  I'm awake to what it feels like to be awake.  But it doesn't mean that I wake up every morning with a calm and focused spirit.  This morning for instance, I woke up naturally after an early sleep, but I found myself drawn in again and again to my isolation anxiety. I know that I'm not doing enough work towards nurturing friendship and community, for myself and for Ben.
  I don't consider this a failure.  This root of suffering can be a platform for practice.  My low self esteem can be a platform for practice.  Even pain can be a platform for practice.  This is the ground.  Even if these feelings were a permanent part of my life--and I don't believe they are--that they were permanent would make them great anchors for practice.  Find the uncomfortable feeling and rest in it.  The point of practice is not the feeling, it's the resting in the feeling whether it's comfortable or uncomfortable.
  I hope Ben finds community at his school.  I hope he starts to feel more at ease with himself.  I hope I remember to make a few dates every week.  I hope that Mingyur is right, that as my energy grows, I will attract the people who need my energy.
  This knowledge is no longer an experiment for me.  It's how I live