Survival brain

One of the themes of this journal since the beginning has been growth and recovery from trauma.  I go back again and again to the idea of traumatic sprouts, re-growth that is at high risk of early death because of a major trauma that cut off the mature and healthy boughs.

I've been reading a book this week about using mediation for trauma recovery.  The author sees the danger in two systems, the thinking brain and the survival brain being out of balance.  She pointed to gratitude as too often being a positive thinking scheme by the thinking brain used to control the intensity of the survival brain.

Re-reading my post last week on creating a "gratitude algorithm," I realize I might have been in danger of one of those poor thinking brain band aid solutions.  A better solution might be using the algorithm of the precious refuge. The three gems, buddah, dhamma and sangha. In contemplating how precious these places of safety are, gratitude arises naturally from the survival brain and growth comes from a deeper place.

I had a chance to put this into practice this weekend.  I had another one of my work spats that set in motion the intense ball of insecurity, anxiety and shame that gets released every time I get into any kind of work conflict.

Trying to do a lot of breath watching to bring back that sense of how precious refuge in the dhamma is.

Making an algorithm of gratitude, and other things...

I forgot to bring gratitude into meditation practice this week. If I'm going to actually make it the word of the decade it needs to be part of my spiritual algorithm. Meditation on the precious gift of this life is a standard Buddhist practice. A ritual that is a building block of natural awareness.

This first building block, though, is awareness of death.  I felt its fiery touch this week when I received news that a work acquaintance died on the flight shot down accidentally by Iranian forces.  It was tough looking at the bodies on the front pages of the NYTimes, knowing one of them could be this lovely man who had moderated a panel I spoke on a year ago, who died with his sister. In meditation, the day after I heard this news, I went deep. I hit the core of the truth that however random this seems, we will all lose every single person we ever cared about. And anyone who cares about us, will lose us too.  Not that horribly, by inevitably.

If felt right to go back to that grief, as I went back in my memory, to Nairobi, to start writing what I hope will be one of the final chapters in Code For Life. Eight years ago an idea came to me that changed my life entirely. Have I done this idea justice? It has given me so much. Have I given it enough? Does it know how grateful I am?  I am re-reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic.  I miss her world view, that ideas are living entities, that inspiration is only part of this world, but also part of an immaterial world.

I ordered a book on the innovation that is happening around the world, Beyond The Valley. I'm going to take that leap of faith and believe that the dhamma, the big magic, the substance, the tao, whatever it is, exists and that I can take refuge in it. That we can all take refuge in it. I will not let another day go by where I do not express my gratitude to it.

In my essay, and in my meditation, I am playing with the notion of circular versus linear time. People who live in one place are closer to the joys of experiencing time as something that returns again and again to our beginnings.  People who travel, who sell things, who depend on the new and on the story of sustained growth, live on linear time.  Either way they are mental frameworks, not true or untrue. These days I try to find pleasure in both.

Yesterday an interesting piece in the NyTimes on memory.  Adults think they are losing their memory, but really they are only losing a bit of short term memory.  The problem is that they have too many memories. But they are better at patterns, at seeing this circular iteration. It seems to me we are trying to replace this precious wisdom, this ability that our elders have of giving context to things, with artificial intelligence.  Good, very good at short term memory, but not much else.

It's overwhelming to think about the apocalyptic future.  I take refuge, but I remember, also, that nothing lasts for anyone.

Gratitude

This is my word for the decade, gratitude.

It is the key to liberation from craving and aversion. It is the antidote to common misery and stress. When grateful there is none of these triggers. Only joyful being. I sit comfortably in my orbital frontal cortex, the part of the brain that stores the relative reward value, remembers it so that I don't fall too easily for immediate gratifications that do nothing for my wellbeing.  I see clearly that gratitude is its own reward,

What can I do this year to make gratitude stick, as a habit, as a way of being? How do I develop and live an algorithm of gratitude?

1. Make it part of my meditation practice.  Open and close all meditation with a prayer and a feeling of gratitude.

2. Think of every person I'm grateful to before I go to bed.

3. Let people know, every day, how grateful I am.

4. Maintain a gratitude journal.

5. Bring it into other routines, eating, working, cleaning

6. Be grateful now for the good things that are going to happen

7. Make it part of my new contrasting practice. When I visualize success, visualize gratitude for that success. Visualize gratitude to myself for overcoming my addiction to delay.

8. Show people my gratitude by sharing my wisdom, my wealth, my success.

9. Be regularly grateful for those things that are eternal, that I don't have to strive for, or ask for, that I receive as part of being blessed with a life.

10.  Every Sunday morning, be grateful for this journal and all it has done to ground me in happiness.

10 things I'm grateful for since 2010

Writing

This has, and will always be my first practice, my skill, my salvation. It's how I tap into my life force. It's how I remind myself that I am more than all the bad and impulsive decisions I've made in my life.  It's my lifeboat.  I hope in 2030 to say that I was able to find more ways to share my writing with others, to use it to create strong, sustainable momentum towards a safer and happier world, and to inspire others to keep writing. 

Banff

Getting this literary journalism residency in 2011 changed how I saw myself.  I felt what it was to be successful and to be with successful journalists. I experienced the  beauty of Western Canada. I felt the responsibility to care more deeply about the world and to think more seriously about it. To be less glib and more committed. I started to feel the glimmers of the bigger picture, that there was something, some kind of power that we needed to harness, if we were going to make it out of this publishing wasteland.  As I head back to Calgary in February, I hope that I can tap back into the place in my soul that I found in that refuge. 

Learning to code

This changed everything for me. Not just because I learned to code, but because I learned to think more algorithmically, make better decisions about my life and discovered a subject in which I could show thought leadership. 

Grants

The money was a life saver for me in one of the darkest decembers of my life. But more than that, the affirmation from peers. The chance to explore and think deeply about a subject and spend a few years, instead of a few days thinking about an idea. I hope I can finally deliver on that vote of confidence. 

CanCode

This money helped kids and teachers across Canada. Helped the non-profit I built, and helped me start to dig my way out of credit card debt. 

My teachers

Where would I be without Mingyur Rinpoche and S.E. Goenka?  They introduced me to my buddha nature, the dharma, and provided me with sangha that made sustaining this life changing practice possible.  It's hard for me to pin down whether the incremental improvement of my life happened with coding, or meditation, since I started them both at the same time.  But the algorithms that I have received through these teachings and trainings are my most precious and important tools. 

Ben

He's a tough teacher, but his affection, intelligence, humour and sweetness are a constant blessing every day. 

My family

When I hit a financial crisis near the beginning of the decade, I don't know what I would have done without my parents. They are still a challenge, their volatile marriage still a mystery, but I don't expect them to be around by 2030.  They have given me so much, emotionally, financially, culturally, intellectually. My brother is still one of the funniest people I know, and I hope he makes it though his psychological challenges. 

Insight Timer

I had no idea when I first logged into this how influential it would be to my practice.  Almost 2000 hours later, I can't imagine my life without it. 

Insulin

This big discovery of 2020 and the decade was the role that insulin was playing in my weight problems.  I'm less than 10 lbs away from a healthy weight and feel more confident than I've ever been that I will not only get to that weight, but stay there for the rest of my life. One thing I'm confident I will still be grateful for in 2030.