I've been aware recently of this feeling of powerlessness that comes over me. I don't know exactly what to do, exactly where to go. It's a time of transition and I feel lost.
Today when I was standing, present with this feeling, a question came to me. Another little experiment. What would happen if instead of feeling powerless over all the bad things that will happen, aging, death, what if I allowed myself to feel powerless over all the good things that are going to happen. The growth that is as inevitable for me as it is for trees. The flowering of my spirit, the blossoming of strength. Can I surrender to being and awareness and easily as I surrender to anxiety? And is the surrender to anxiety--the positive surrender of presence--not the surrender to numbing habits, is that maybe a preparation to surrendering to the good?
And what would happen if I did surrender?
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Standing alone and unchanging, one can observe every mystery. Present at every moment and ceaselessly continuing-- This is the gateway to indescribable marvels. --Lao Tzu
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Chaos Training
Most people are able to keep the chaos at bay. They have their routines that keep their house tidy and neat. They have their relationships that keep them secure. They have their money in the bank that makes them feel safe.
I don't, and I may never have these things. Maybe because of my dyspraxia. Maybe because of my upbringing. I don't know. But a life of barely contained emotional and physical chaos is what I live with.
It's stressful, but if I shift my perspective just a tiny bit, it's kind of liberating. People who don't protect themselves too firmly from chaos can become lifetime creatives. Look at my grandfather. He spent his last years singing vs. my uncle the Ford VP who spent his last years alone in a wheelchair with few visits from the many friends he once had.
A few days ago I re-watch part of journey to dyslexia, a film about learning disabilities. The people who embraced their disability and saw it as a gift were able to live rich rewarding lives where they were able to be unique and contribute to society. That's the group I want to be in.
I don't, and I may never have these things. Maybe because of my dyspraxia. Maybe because of my upbringing. I don't know. But a life of barely contained emotional and physical chaos is what I live with.
It's stressful, but if I shift my perspective just a tiny bit, it's kind of liberating. People who don't protect themselves too firmly from chaos can become lifetime creatives. Look at my grandfather. He spent his last years singing vs. my uncle the Ford VP who spent his last years alone in a wheelchair with few visits from the many friends he once had.
A few days ago I re-watch part of journey to dyslexia, a film about learning disabilities. The people who embraced their disability and saw it as a gift were able to live rich rewarding lives where they were able to be unique and contribute to society. That's the group I want to be in.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Inner power
In my last post I kind of tossed off inner power as though it should be an addendum to character. But no, let me take that back. Character is something that should grow out of the natural confidence that comes from a strong sense of our inner vitality.
For many years in my practice I've seen vitality and chi as something that exists outside of me.This probably has a lot to do with the dyspraxic thinking that always has me seeing power as and outside thing. Something I need to either surrender to or flee.
Until I can surrender to the power inside of me I'm probably never going to lose this nagging anxiety that continues to block me from getting the things in life that I need and want.
For many years in my practice I've seen vitality and chi as something that exists outside of me.This probably has a lot to do with the dyspraxic thinking that always has me seeing power as and outside thing. Something I need to either surrender to or flee.
Until I can surrender to the power inside of me I'm probably never going to lose this nagging anxiety that continues to block me from getting the things in life that I need and want.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Character
Standing builds backbone. While it's great to have energy, and cosmic experiences, and internal power, in the end I am a believer in the fundamental importance of character. I believe in the practice that becomes discipline. I believe that energy and power should be going towards making people's lives more vital and meaningful.
Standing helps me to build character by helping me to resist the cult of personality that exists in our society. Obviously at some point character was a cult too. Maybe the worship of character in the 19th century made some people rigid and judgmental. That's not what I want. What I want character to bring to my life is stability and security. To my life and to others.
Standing never ceases to be a challenge to me. You'd think at some point I would get up and feel some huge reservoir of power that will never need more replenishing. Maybe it works that way from some people. But it's not that way for me.
Life is demanding. My mother is ill and depressed. The economy is changing and the career I chose for myself, writing, seems less and less feasible every day. My son is sad because he doesn't seem to be cultivating meaningful friendships at his elementary school, and his father doesn't make much effort to keep in touch.
I'm trying to cultivate a saying in our family. With responsibility comes power. But with responsibility comes challenge and this needs the power that you have to give.
Standing helps me to build character by helping me to resist the cult of personality that exists in our society. Obviously at some point character was a cult too. Maybe the worship of character in the 19th century made some people rigid and judgmental. That's not what I want. What I want character to bring to my life is stability and security. To my life and to others.
Standing never ceases to be a challenge to me. You'd think at some point I would get up and feel some huge reservoir of power that will never need more replenishing. Maybe it works that way from some people. But it's not that way for me.
Life is demanding. My mother is ill and depressed. The economy is changing and the career I chose for myself, writing, seems less and less feasible every day. My son is sad because he doesn't seem to be cultivating meaningful friendships at his elementary school, and his father doesn't make much effort to keep in touch.
I'm trying to cultivate a saying in our family. With responsibility comes power. But with responsibility comes challenge and this needs the power that you have to give.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
feeling of powerlessness
This morning at the beginning of my stand I was overwhelmed by a feeling of powerlessness. It's a familiar feeling and one i don't acknowledge very often. I spend much of my day driven by this power, and driven by the reflex to avoid it.
It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that an extra ten pounds is an insurmountable barrier that I will never overcome. It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that I am destined for poverty and keeps me underemployed. It is this feeling of powerlessness that undermines the efforts that I make to contribute to the world. It is this feeling of powerlessness that blocks me from using my talents to help other people live better lives.
The first step towards disempowering it is to accept it.
What does that mean? I can accept it for today. Don't try and change it with all kinds of plans for bringing power into my life. Not today. This feeling of powerlessness has been my companion all my life, it's not going to disappear overnight, if it disappears at all. It's like a member of my family. And it's not necessarily a bad member. There are things we are powerless over in life. Death, aging, etc. Accepting powerlessness can be liberating. There must be something about it I enjoy or I wouldn't be so attached to it.
But there is power in accepting powerlessness. This morning I felt it. I stayed with it and then of course, inevitably I began to feel the power building in me, the flow of chi and energy and strength. The feeling of powerlessness cannot be sustained once accpeted, because it is also part of reality that we have great and abundant power to change the life we have while we are alive and the lives of others.
Too often we don't see that because we're so busy fighting our powerless over the things we can't change.
It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that an extra ten pounds is an insurmountable barrier that I will never overcome. It is this feeling of powerlessness that convinces me that I am destined for poverty and keeps me underemployed. It is this feeling of powerlessness that undermines the efforts that I make to contribute to the world. It is this feeling of powerlessness that blocks me from using my talents to help other people live better lives.
The first step towards disempowering it is to accept it.
What does that mean? I can accept it for today. Don't try and change it with all kinds of plans for bringing power into my life. Not today. This feeling of powerlessness has been my companion all my life, it's not going to disappear overnight, if it disappears at all. It's like a member of my family. And it's not necessarily a bad member. There are things we are powerless over in life. Death, aging, etc. Accepting powerlessness can be liberating. There must be something about it I enjoy or I wouldn't be so attached to it.
But there is power in accepting powerlessness. This morning I felt it. I stayed with it and then of course, inevitably I began to feel the power building in me, the flow of chi and energy and strength. The feeling of powerlessness cannot be sustained once accpeted, because it is also part of reality that we have great and abundant power to change the life we have while we are alive and the lives of others.
Too often we don't see that because we're so busy fighting our powerless over the things we can't change.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tao to done
Yesterday I downloaded a little e-book called Zen to Done by Leo Babauta. I've been following Leo's blog Zen Habits for at least a year now and I find his philosophy and advice incredibly helpful.
I've decided to adapt his system for regaining power to my own life, let's call it Tao to done.
The idea in ZTD is that you spend about a month on one of habits. The first of these is collect. Work first on establishing a good method for listing the tasks that need to be done. Carry a little notebook and then at the end of the day dump these tasks on to the to do list.
When I started this yesterday I first thought, wow I don't see how I could need to work a whole month on this habit. I mean it's just writing down stuff that needs to be done. Shouldn't I be able to do that all in one week?
But on my second day, I'm realizing all the ways that not having methods for keeping myself on track are affecting my life. And the idea of collection has expanded beyond just the list of things to do.
My body is my most important collector. Yes, it's good to have a notebook to jot down tasks and ideas. But the fundamental collector of my tasks is my body. If it's constantly battling stress, painful body memories, extra weight, poor posture, poor energy, it's inevitable that all other methods of collection will get derailed.
When I stand in the morning, I'm doing the most fundamental thing I can do, scanning my body for emotional and physical pain, being with it and releasing it. It's like starting the day with a blank page on which I can start to write a more productive algorithm.
This leads into a concern with other collectors: like is my body well supported when I write? How does my poor posture affect how long I can concentrate on a writing task.
Just now I noticed how my neck strains to read the computer because it's too low. And the space around it it too messsy and cluttered. These are collectors too.
It is good to spend a month on collection. It's like anotherer manifestation of awareness. Any habit that increases awareness is always transformative.
I've decided to adapt his system for regaining power to my own life, let's call it Tao to done.
The idea in ZTD is that you spend about a month on one of habits. The first of these is collect. Work first on establishing a good method for listing the tasks that need to be done. Carry a little notebook and then at the end of the day dump these tasks on to the to do list.
When I started this yesterday I first thought, wow I don't see how I could need to work a whole month on this habit. I mean it's just writing down stuff that needs to be done. Shouldn't I be able to do that all in one week?
But on my second day, I'm realizing all the ways that not having methods for keeping myself on track are affecting my life. And the idea of collection has expanded beyond just the list of things to do.
My body is my most important collector. Yes, it's good to have a notebook to jot down tasks and ideas. But the fundamental collector of my tasks is my body. If it's constantly battling stress, painful body memories, extra weight, poor posture, poor energy, it's inevitable that all other methods of collection will get derailed.
When I stand in the morning, I'm doing the most fundamental thing I can do, scanning my body for emotional and physical pain, being with it and releasing it. It's like starting the day with a blank page on which I can start to write a more productive algorithm.
This leads into a concern with other collectors: like is my body well supported when I write? How does my poor posture affect how long I can concentrate on a writing task.
Just now I noticed how my neck strains to read the computer because it's too low. And the space around it it too messsy and cluttered. These are collectors too.
It is good to spend a month on collection. It's like anotherer manifestation of awareness. Any habit that increases awareness is always transformative.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
From adventure to journey
When you're lost, life is always an adventure.
For most of my life I've been lost in a growth forest of painful, stressful memories. Veering around in part because I was raised in emotional chaos, and maybe because of a neurological bias towards poor co-ordination.
Adventures are great. But more and more I want to turn this into a journey. Find something of an endpoint, a home, where I can gather strength and power and resources.
I now have a lifetime habit of early morning standing. Sometimes I don't stand as long, or with as much dedication as I would wish. But I know that I don't and will never feel right anymore if I abandon this practice.
The time has come to take the power I gather from this practice and use it to get the things I need out of life: a more steady supply of income, a more focussed sense of what my contribution to society will be. And a more entrenched, internalized locus of power.
Believing in my ability to shape my life has to be the central habit in my life. The habit I feed, so that this nagging feeling of being lost and out of control gradually begins to dry up.
For most of my life I've been lost in a growth forest of painful, stressful memories. Veering around in part because I was raised in emotional chaos, and maybe because of a neurological bias towards poor co-ordination.
Adventures are great. But more and more I want to turn this into a journey. Find something of an endpoint, a home, where I can gather strength and power and resources.
I now have a lifetime habit of early morning standing. Sometimes I don't stand as long, or with as much dedication as I would wish. But I know that I don't and will never feel right anymore if I abandon this practice.
The time has come to take the power I gather from this practice and use it to get the things I need out of life: a more steady supply of income, a more focussed sense of what my contribution to society will be. And a more entrenched, internalized locus of power.
Believing in my ability to shape my life has to be the central habit in my life. The habit I feed, so that this nagging feeling of being lost and out of control gradually begins to dry up.
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