Hugs

I'm back to standing.

I've been reading Christopher McDougal's book Natural Born Heroes, and I've re-discovered my fascia, the weblike elastic casing that is stronger than any muscle. I suppose I've wandered off the path for a few years with running and sitting, but it's time to come back to this root practice.

Sitting has helped me to build the emotional component of my standing practice. This morning while I was holding the ball, I felt a connection to what we feel when we hug someone we love, and what we feel when we are hugged.

This loving kindness is woven throughout the fascia which is all memory, all awareness. Like the membrane of the fetal sack, it's the thin border between our soul and the world.

Faith

Faith is power.

Without it there is no freedom, just constant grasping for the ground, a feeling of never finding a balance in life. Faith is knowing that there's a centre to be found even in the tiniest of footholds.

I have been so fortunate to have found these footholds along a very emotionally unstable life. From the first yoga book my mother abandoned in which I discovered for the first time the practice of sitting still. Through my four minute tai chi routine from a woman's magazine. Gradually I have become aware of this solid, abiding awareness. This self.

I have many unhappy memories, but through that always this place of true refuge. This freedom. During the worst of times, and when I needed it the most, the best of times. Today in morning meditation I began to see it, the continuity. When I looked at my life, for a moment I didn't see the long history of disappointments and heartbreak. I saw the long history of this lovely, strong, loving self that I've always been able to depend on.

It's still a challenge, but the challenge is what keeps me strong. The challenge is not whether I can keep this up all my life. That I know with more certainty every year. It's whether I can keep it up today.

Can I know myself today.

Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving.

Much to be grateful for this year.  More money, more work. A stronger connection to my basic goodness, intelligence and warmth.

I have a healthy, fit body. I have an expertise that's valuable. Gratitude is the emotion that enriches and accelerates whatever good habit I've been able to cultivate. It's important to give thanks for all that has been given to us.  But also for the goodness that we have cultivated through our own efforts, decisions and commitments.

Gratitude makes us feel safe. It signals to the body and the brain that we have enough and that we are enough.

More than enough .

Letting go

I'm letting go of old patterns. Stale, destructive habits that don't serve me anymore. Overeating, unhealthy eating, procrastination, over consumption of information and entertainment, squalor. Above all the belief that I don't have the energy and strength to let these go.

The first step to letting go is being aware of them in the first place. And being aware of what purpose they serve. Those habit shield me from vulnerability and fear. I don't want to feel how unbalanced and unsafe I feel. I don't want to feel that tender place in the arch of my back that is throwing my whole posture slightly out of line.

But that's where the safety is.That deep, magnetic energy that I get when I sit and when I stand. It's down in that place that I don't want to go.The root chakra, it's been called.

Letting go of old habits is a twofold process. It's the letting go of the fear, but it's also building the new habit of feeling safe and accepted. Of feeling how stable and balanced I feel when my spine is rooted in relaxed, grounding energy. When I can not just see, but feel the indigo of awareness and the red of the sun rising from the earth.

I have so many good, strong and positive habits in my life. It is time now to let go and surrender to them. And know that I am safe.