"Anger is one of the densest forms of communication. It conveys more information, more quickly than almost any other type of emotion." Charles Durhigg in this article in the Atlantic.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
The one and the many
« This knowing does not have time. Neither does it belong to particles. This knowing quality does not belong to subject and object. It does not exist, nor does it not exist. It is not both, nor neither. It is everywhere and nowhere. There is no beginning, so this luminous mind is never going to die. »
Mingyur Rinpoche
Mingyur Rinpoche
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Sensations
Yesterday I did a one day Vipassana retreat.
How fortunate I am to have this strong sangha of meditators in this tradition that has had so much impact on the practice of meditation in North America. Almost 40 years ago S.N. Goenka visited Montreal, his first North American lecture. The community he seeded grew into this strong and resilient charity that runs a beautiful retreat center an hour outside of Montreal, and then these one day retreats in the East End of the city.
Despite the 10 day retreat I did back in September, the two hours a day that I've been doing, and the one hour group sitting that's a 10 minute walk from my apartment, yesterday I feel like I finally "got" it.
Goenka's technique attunes you to the sensations flowing through the body, and cultivates the ability to look at these constantly changing sensations with calm alertness. I also cultivates the ability to see where these sensations are rigid, giving the impression of solidity and permanence.
Developing this intuitive relationship with our sensations, in their true impermanent and continuously changing state, helps us to develop emotional and intellectual agility. We make emotions out of our sensations, and then our sensations respond to these emotions. It's how we get into these ruts. Goenka's technique effectively deconstructs our emotional patterns so that we can start again.
This morning a 2 hour meditation flew by, largely because I was focussed on just being present and directly aware of the the flow of sensations. I had some moments where my mind flew off and started working out some work problems. When I returned to my body, all I had were these weak solid little spots of sensations and it became so clear how much the overthinking of life damages our ability to just feel it.
When it become more habitual to sit quietly with sensations, face them with equanimity, and be willing to be with whatever arises--be it warm sparkly vibrations of warmth and ease, or rock solid terror--then we are truly free to live.
How fortunate I am to have this strong sangha of meditators in this tradition that has had so much impact on the practice of meditation in North America. Almost 40 years ago S.N. Goenka visited Montreal, his first North American lecture. The community he seeded grew into this strong and resilient charity that runs a beautiful retreat center an hour outside of Montreal, and then these one day retreats in the East End of the city.
Despite the 10 day retreat I did back in September, the two hours a day that I've been doing, and the one hour group sitting that's a 10 minute walk from my apartment, yesterday I feel like I finally "got" it.
Goenka's technique attunes you to the sensations flowing through the body, and cultivates the ability to look at these constantly changing sensations with calm alertness. I also cultivates the ability to see where these sensations are rigid, giving the impression of solidity and permanence.
Developing this intuitive relationship with our sensations, in their true impermanent and continuously changing state, helps us to develop emotional and intellectual agility. We make emotions out of our sensations, and then our sensations respond to these emotions. It's how we get into these ruts. Goenka's technique effectively deconstructs our emotional patterns so that we can start again.
This morning a 2 hour meditation flew by, largely because I was focussed on just being present and directly aware of the the flow of sensations. I had some moments where my mind flew off and started working out some work problems. When I returned to my body, all I had were these weak solid little spots of sensations and it became so clear how much the overthinking of life damages our ability to just feel it.
When it become more habitual to sit quietly with sensations, face them with equanimity, and be willing to be with whatever arises--be it warm sparkly vibrations of warmth and ease, or rock solid terror--then we are truly free to live.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
The Wave
So a few days ago I had an exceptional mind flipping meditation.
And then on cue, a wave of craving hit, Netflix binging on Billie Bob Thornton's washed up alcoholic redemption series. So, yesterday morning I'm struggling with a splintered chaotic mind.
The one thing I had going for me, apart from my years of meditation practice, was a tidy room. I sought refuge. Meditated when I felt the craving hit. Examined my options like reading a revolutionary book on How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett, instead of defaulting to Netflix. And ended up in bed at 10 p.m.
I feel the fruits this morning, feeling a palpable shift from right brain to left brain awareness.
Making more room for healthy energy in my life, literally means making a room for it.
And then on cue, a wave of craving hit, Netflix binging on Billie Bob Thornton's washed up alcoholic redemption series. So, yesterday morning I'm struggling with a splintered chaotic mind.
The one thing I had going for me, apart from my years of meditation practice, was a tidy room. I sought refuge. Meditated when I felt the craving hit. Examined my options like reading a revolutionary book on How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett, instead of defaulting to Netflix. And ended up in bed at 10 p.m.
I feel the fruits this morning, feeling a palpable shift from right brain to left brain awareness.
Making more room for healthy energy in my life, literally means making a room for it.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
The Force
Wonderful meditation this morning.
Yesterday I watched a video that reminded me of that six second time lag we have between when our brain makes a decision and we become conscious of the decision. It's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that we might not have free will. And especially the idea that if we don't, why would this decision making energy make some of the poor decisions that it does?
But another way of looking at it is that we make some of the bigger decisions, based on reflection on previous decisions, and our brain then makes the smaller ones. One big decision we can make is to turn out lives over to the management of the energy that makes better decisions. This force field that created this magnificent world.
Combining some of the golden ball tai chi I'm recovering and the body scanning I've been doing in Vipassana, I found myself this morning really being in a bigger, better energy. Really feeling what it would be like to let it manage me, and thus impact the lives of the people who depend on me.
For a good long while I felt this energy flip me around and take control.
May I continue today to be with this force.
Yesterday I watched a video that reminded me of that six second time lag we have between when our brain makes a decision and we become conscious of the decision. It's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that we might not have free will. And especially the idea that if we don't, why would this decision making energy make some of the poor decisions that it does?
But another way of looking at it is that we make some of the bigger decisions, based on reflection on previous decisions, and our brain then makes the smaller ones. One big decision we can make is to turn out lives over to the management of the energy that makes better decisions. This force field that created this magnificent world.
Combining some of the golden ball tai chi I'm recovering and the body scanning I've been doing in Vipassana, I found myself this morning really being in a bigger, better energy. Really feeling what it would be like to let it manage me, and thus impact the lives of the people who depend on me.
For a good long while I felt this energy flip me around and take control.
May I continue today to be with this force.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
The plan
My plan for returning to Zhan Zhuang is to start the way I would start if I were arriving at this blog for the first time, and starting the way I started almost 25 years ago, with Lam Kam Chuen's Way of Energy.
The plan is to stand five minutes a day this week, ten next, until by the end of the month I'm doing the regular twenty minutes, and by three months I'm back to an hour.
But I'm going to add something new. A new Chuen book. His Qigong workbook for anxiety. While I don't tend to think of myself suffering from anxiety, I clearly do. I had a terrible dream last night, in which my insecurity and reactivity lost me my job. Of course this anxiety is at the root of all my cravings and bad habits. Bad habit are almost always a poor response to nervousness and fear.
Last night I noticed once again how hard it is for me to lie still in my bed and go to sleep. There is a kind of terror that still grips me when I lie in bed. You'd think after years of meditation it would have ebbed, but it's still hard.
Chuen's approach is not to eliminate anxiety, but to work with it. So here goes...
The plan is to stand five minutes a day this week, ten next, until by the end of the month I'm doing the regular twenty minutes, and by three months I'm back to an hour.
But I'm going to add something new. A new Chuen book. His Qigong workbook for anxiety. While I don't tend to think of myself suffering from anxiety, I clearly do. I had a terrible dream last night, in which my insecurity and reactivity lost me my job. Of course this anxiety is at the root of all my cravings and bad habits. Bad habit are almost always a poor response to nervousness and fear.
Last night I noticed once again how hard it is for me to lie still in my bed and go to sleep. There is a kind of terror that still grips me when I lie in bed. You'd think after years of meditation it would have ebbed, but it's still hard.
Chuen's approach is not to eliminate anxiety, but to work with it. So here goes...
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
One More Times
It hurts to admit this to myself, here in this blog, a little over eleven years after it started it: I have abandoned standing.
Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically. I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality. I barely have the discipline to go for a walk. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I am officially obese!
And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year.
I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work. I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in. And of course, television.
But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this. Or do I?
I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.
Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book. It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing. Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?
Fine, I turned to sitting. It's been amazing. I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness. But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.
Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation. He's not in great shape these days either. But maybe I could inspire him to stand. He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.
So this is it. Research for the last chapter.
Returning home.
Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically. I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality. I barely have the discipline to go for a walk. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I am officially obese!
And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year.
I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work. I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in. And of course, television.
But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this. Or do I?
I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.
Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book. It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing. Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?
Fine, I turned to sitting. It's been amazing. I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness. But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.
Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation. He's not in great shape these days either. But maybe I could inspire him to stand. He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.
So this is it. Research for the last chapter.
Returning home.
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