My Addiction

So my plan to skip Prime Suspect didn't work. Not only that, but I ended up on some huge drama binge. Re-watch of Girl With the Dragon Tatoo, and then Law & Order Criminal Intent, up until 1 a.m. I didn't foresee the way the brain rears up when you try and change a deep routine. The anxiety of not sitting down to this ritual I've been doing since I met Ben's father, since I was sneaking out of bedtime to watch Starsky and Hutch--it felt like too much to bear. I need to find a way to reframe this hour so that I can use it to nurture my mind, not infeeble it.
This morning I went to my willow and thought about how powerful this journal has been for me. How it has been like a tree growing from the best of me. It's such a radical thing, in this urban civilization, to go stand next to a tree and not get down to whatever stressful job we have, first thing in the morning. I know I watch these dramas because they give me the stress of a workplace, which in some ways I miss. All the drama and gossip of a community of people. Turn that off and I feel like I'm staring into the void. But actually this is a great time for community on facebook, blogging, that community that I can take up at any time. A great time to send e-mails and be in touch with people. And to nurture my community in this home. Ben and I. My community of books. My community of thinkers, magazine writers, publishers. This is my community. I need it back.

Day 2

I agree with the students that one of the challenges for people who practice Standing is that it's so unusual and people think you're weird. After years of experiencing its benefits, I'm over that problem. But I do wish that standing were more common. For me, as a single mother, who can't really find the time to go to classes, the hardest thing has been maintaining this practice without a community.

At the same time, it would be difficult to keep it up if I didn't have a high tolerance for solitude. I'm a writer. Solitude is the foundation of my career. So it makes sense that I would choose a physical practice that would cross-train with that skill, as it were. Community it important, but you do probably have to have a strong sense of self to keep this up. And I believe it's helped me to build a stronger sense of self.