Something changed last night.
Insomnia, I just couldn't seem to get that oxytocin self soothing I've been able to induce when I wake up in the middle of the night. Just this rigid, impotent buzzing.
So I decided to stand.
I guess I'd been standing for about twenty minutes, pushing it, and surrendering, the sort of push pull I experience when I'm doing this. I started to feel this very strong and concrete post of energy. My arms and hands started to shift around in some weird feeling branchy ways. I was just quietly being still with this energy. Trying to rest in cool detachment, trying not to get too excited and trusting that it would come back when I seemed to be losing it. And then suddenly this lame, annoying stale energy came back. Or rather I became very conscious and hyperaware of the part of my brain where this energy came from. I was outside of of it, just watching it kind of flame up, and I realized that this part of my brain was kind of having one last hurrah, because I was about to leave that part of my brain to die. I realized that even if I ever felt that feeling again, those neurons would never have the same power they once had.
And then gradually I started to make my way to the new part of my brain. The pre-frontal cortex maybe? That part of my brain felt fresh, calm, strong, confident. Vital in a really flourishing, not manic way. That was the new place for me. It was a place I knew well, but had been visiting from time to time. It was my new home though. I knew it.
Did some counting realized that I was six months from my birthday. My real birthday if you believe my mother, since it was my due date.
I'm going to celebrate this day, January 31 for the rest of my life. The day when my real brain came alive. The day when the best part of my life really began.
