The most difficult thing about standing is not standing, but surrendering to the energy that would enable me to release all the effort that goes into standing.
So the most difficult thing is not standing but not-standing.
This is difficult on several levels. First psychological, or maybe more appropriately, cultural. Surrendering to something bigger than ourselves is kind of against our North American programming. Or so we think. Of course we surrender to things more powerful than ourselves all the time. When we allow the government to manage civic affairs. When we allow the television to hypnotize us. When we participate in our market and consumption based economy, we are surrendering to something we have accepted is bigger than ourselves.
Why so hard to surrender to a pleasant energy? I know this is an energy that increases my well-being, and increases my quality of life. I've experienced its benefits over and over. Still, it's so hard to surrender.
Why does pleasure and health make me so anxious? Or rather, why am I anxious about increased pleasure and health? Why would I be anxious about well-being?
A little story came to me this morning while I was doing the dishes. One of the last conversations I had with my grandfather before he died. It was on the phone. He sounded happy and I told how happy he sounded. "That's what everyone keeps telling me" he said. "But I'm not happy. It's these morphine pills. I've been eating them like beans. They make me sound happy. But I'm not. I'm dying."
Because our only experience with altered consciousness is usually drugs, we worry when we experience it drug free. Like somehow we'll lose touch with our anxiety and be unable to see or express reality.
I don't think I'm really in danger of this happening. Last night I was watching T.V. and I started to feel anxious about the things in my life I should feel anxious about: My lack of stable employment, my debt, etc. I started thinking, what should I do to get rid of this anxiety. And then I realized, no I don't have to do that. I'm strong enough to face this anxiety. I'm strong enough to feel it and not feel the urge to run away.
This is the advantage of authentic well being. Not an escape from anxiety, but the calm strength to face it squarely.
I believe that if I surrender to this growing energy, that is what I will have.
