Lightness

I'm on day 11 of this cleanse.  Today I had a good stand.  Better than yesterday.  It was interesting that I started in first position and then almost right away I felt that energy in my right arm. I decided to just go with it.  Be aware of the energy and follow the path.  Over the course of an hour it started to build in my Tan Tien. I felt a warmth up my spine.

But I'm still feeling a little anemic.  This may have something to do with the heavy bleeding.  So I'll see if I can find any good solutions in vegetarian diets for that.

My sense as I was standing though, is that there was some stuff being cleaned out. Some really old body memories along with the other toxins.  Maybe the fatigue is part of that.

In general after this stand, I feel a certain lightness.  Maybe it's lightheadness.  Maybe it's even hunger.  Maybe my body is shutting down in starvation mode.  I'm not sure.  But I'm going to be patient and see what happens.

A step back

My cold kept me up all night, so this morning I'm feeling deflated.  But I'm going to be patient with myself.  I know that the energy is going to start building in me as I progress with this cleanse. So I'm not going to beat myself up over a low energy day.  Sometimes it's natural to take a step back.

This weekend I'm signed up for a Tergar meditation workshop.  Level one is about cultivating a warm affection towards yourself, and a constant determination to cultivate happiness.

I'm impatient.  I feel after all my years of meditation that this should come naturally to me, and yet caring about myself is daily practice.   And a very difficult skill to develop.

Growing

Note to self: never go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I feel very good.  This despite a cold, a very heavy period, and whatever else may be going wrong in my life.  I feel this core of healthy energy almost effortlessly available to me whenever I need it.
I feel awake, alive, warm inside. Vital.

This morning I woke up early and had a half hour stand.  Then I followed pretty much the same routine as yesterday.  Some first and second position to get the energy going. Some exercises to open up the channels a little more.  And then first position and just watch what happens.

Pretty much the same as yesterday, just stronger.  I feel the energy growing on the right side of my body, lifting my arm to the point where I can easily just allow it to support me. I fell it intermittently flowing up my spine. Sometimes I get distracted by some recent obsession.  But now when that happens, I shift into making the obsessive energy the object of my awareness.  Pretty soon I feel a natural compulsion to return to the more pleasant flow of chi.

Because I've been following the Tergar program, I'm also trying to bring in some compassion.  At one point I started to cry.  It struck me how much of my life had been a turning away from chi, from God, from natural, harmless health and integrity.  I felt like an errant child who had spent my whole life foolishly misbehaving, and harming myself and others.  I cried it out.  All the while still holding on to the energy.  And then I just decided to forgive myself in the same way I would forgive Ben.  I'm not sure I feel this deeply yet.  But it's a start.

Today they start the process of electing a new Pope.  I haven't been a practicing Catholic for many years, but I'm going to pray.  I deeply hope they elect someone who can reconnect the church to people so that it can awaken that powerful global network of love that I believe the Church has the potential to bring forth.

And I hope that I can continue this journey with the same devotion and with the same faith that I once had to this guiding spirit.

Breakthrough

The sciatica that was keeping me up all night is now gone.  Turns out I was pre-menstrual. Usually on the first day of my cycle, I would feel drained and exhausted.  But this morning I'm feeling a really nice core of vitality and clean energy. The kind of energy that is going to motivate me to keep this cleanse up for the whole three weeks.  I'll break a little today for lunch with a friend.  But the cleanse is about "avoiding" those things.  So I'm sure I'll find things on the menu with some healthy greens.  Maybe I'll eat something first so that I'm not over ordering.

I had a very pleasant stand.  Twenty minutes of second position.  Then some exercises to open the channels.  Then I just stood in first position, felt the energy in my belly and allowed it to create its own direction.  It started moving first in the right side of my body, lifting my arm, filling my leg and eventually moving up to my head.  The left side of my body seemed to become completely empty. I "leaned"in a way on the right side energy.  Allowing it to simply take me over and hold me up.  Then eventually the left side started to fill up too.  As my palms became parallel, I could sense the energy moving back and forth between them, like a ping pong ball.

I'm going to keep to that practice this week.  Just let the energy do its thing.  And watch what happens.

Liberation

Last night a broke slightly from the cleanse.  Went out for Indian food with friends.  Had a spinach paneer with some cheese and vegetable biryani.  One onion bajhi.  But overall, compared to what I would have normally eaten--butter chicken, fried stuff, big beer--- it felt good to go out and not overeat.  At the end of the meal I really had a strong sense of satiety, not just foodwise, but psychologically.  It feels good to see the possibility of be liberated from all these compulsive food choices, motivated to eat by authentic, not emotional hunger.
  Had some insomnia last night because I'm still having problems with the back pain.  I'm not sure if this is because I haven't been running as much, or something to do with the cleanse.  It could also be this large uterine fibroid I recently discovered.  It's part of the reason I'm keeping up with the cleanse. I wonder if bad habits have built up to grow this fibroid.
   I know I've always stored a lot of tension in my back.  It may be that now my body is going in to deal with that.
  Here's hoping it will pass. While I feel these aches and pain, I'm also feeling a growing energy.  It's as though this energy now allows me to deal with the foundation parts that have always been too weak.
 Time to rebuild.

Over the hump

I read yesterday that day four is usually the "hump" day in a cleanse. If you get past this day, then the rest is easier.

It was the most difficult day.  I felt back pain, bloated, blocked up. Almost flu-ish.  This morning I'm tired and I still have a backache and I feel like I'm still waiting for the sludge to clear.  But I definitely feel more energy and a more solid sense of what I need to do to keep this cleanse going.  Eat smaller portions of beans, for one thing!  Maybe keep them to one meal.

Last night I felt some cravings. I felt that sense of emptiness and disconnection that continues to haunt me, even after all these years.  I couldn't eat, so I stood.  Obviously I felt much, much better from standing than I've ever felt from parking myself with some food in front of a video.

This morning it was so clear to me how I have literally been feeding my suffering. Whenever my suffering calls out I give it a snack.  No wonder it's so big and powerful.

If I could reprogram this loop so that my suffering is greeted with natural opiates instead of food and distraction, then logically is should just gradually diminish on its own without me trying to work so hard trying to diminish it.

Let's see.

The Crappy Feeling

Day 4.  I was not expecting this.  Yesterday, it really seemed that I was going to have this relatively painless transition to a clean body and brain.  And then last night something started to hit me.  It started with back pain, and full body cramps.  This morning I feel bilious and vile.  As though I'm now paying for every pizza I've ever eaten in my life.
  One possible explanation for this is that I'm not drinking enough water to flush out the "toxins."  So today I'll drink some water and try and remember to put a lot of chia on things for water retention.  Maybe it's the peanut butter?  Am I possibly allergic?  I don't know, but I'm going to cut it out.
  At the same time, I'm feeling a good building energy behind this crappy energy.  Something that's telling me that it's worth it to live through this. And I'm also noticing that I'm a little less addicted to food.  That when I feel a craving it feels a little more manageable. Not so compulsive.
  For now, though, dark day of the body.

The Silky Feeling

Day 3 of my cleanse. Yesterday I started with some stiff muscles and not much else. Slowly over the course of the morning, however, I began to feel glimmers of a natural energy. My friend Jeff Warren wrote a piece for the New York Times about an intensive retreat he did. He spoke of a day, after a particularly dark night of the soul, when he started to feel this "silky" energy all around him.  I've started to feel that.  But it's intermittent.
  I feel it for an hour or so, this feeling that I'm back in touch with my natural opiates, and then I get a headache, or fatigue sets in.  Yesterday I dealt with the fatigue by putting some chia seeds in a smoothy.  Today, as I drive my parents to the airport for their trip to Israel, my adrenaline will probably be coming from my lack of sleep. Woke up early this morning around 3 a.m.  Monkey mind crawling around.  So I meditated for about forty five minutes. Then read some Pema Chodron. It was a chapter about the in-between state.  The place that meditators have to live in for a long time until they grasp that the uncertainty is actually a stable resting point.
  I feel right now that this cleanse is something of an in-between state.  I feel ready to start giving up my addictions and facing my suffering.  As Chodron writes, pizza and videos are no match for suffering. So better to just face it and let it build the strength and wisdom it can nurture.
  Around 6 a.m. I went back to meditating.  It went better than yesterday.  I do feel a certain energy building, a sharp feeling in my gut that if both painful, but also a familiar starting point of natural pleasure.  And around me, the "silky feeling".
  It's the tender place that Chodron talks about. The place of bodhichitta  It's the place I want to protect and cultivate, for myself and for everyone in my life.

Saturday Night/Sunday Morning

Now that I'm standing longer and more regularly, I'm starting to notice the effect my late Saturday Night TV watching habits have on my Sunday morning stand.

The thriving energy I felt yesterday morning seems to have mostly evaporated.  I still had good moments.  I'm still feeling that nice fresh energy gut feeling of a renewed dantien. But I know it's nothing like what it could be.

It would be nice to have an inspiring post that I see all week, that tells me that early bed rest and a nutritious food yield the clarity and joy that I suspect they do.

Still I've had some insights this week.

Mostly about the recursive mechanics of chi. It's not that difficult.  Stand for an hour and the effects of that hour will create even more energy the next day.  Take the time.  Or better yet, may little times through the day to break the recursive cycle of stressful thoughts, and calmer, more creative and wise thoughts will create more of the same.

It really is as simple as that.

Were I to break the cycle of late Saturday nights, I would break the cycle of dull Sunday morning posts.  They would become more energetic, more poetic.  And in their energy and poetry, they would create more of the same.