Alongside the empliness and clarity I tap into when I feel my self hatred, I have to recognize my innate compassion.
When I do this, I see how wise action can be triggered.
Today I did a self-directed retreat in the foundational practices, the four thoughts, the three jewels, some guru yoga. I am supposed to do this before I do my next level of path of liberation. But I also need it because I'm facing a stressful situation with my family.
Or maybe I'm facing the stressful situation because it's been such a long time since I did a full day of meditation. My retreats recently have been mosty dharma talks with a few hours of meditation.
At the end of the day today, I feel the impact. There were some times during the day when I felt the suffering. Particularly when I was contemplating karma. I felt deeply the results of bad actions and poor decisions, patterns of addiction I've had since childhood. There was a full hour today when I felt like the embodiment of a hungry ghost.
But this evening my belly feels full of strong magnetic vitality.
I came across a concept today "joyful remorse." That seems like such a contradiction, but there is joy in seeing reality clearly, seeing where we are creating suffering with our automatic habits.
There is also joy in seeing the wisest action we can take, preparing for rest.
