Transformational meditation last night.
I sat with my self hatred and saw, as if for the first time, how solid it felt. But also how clear. If I can dissolve the illusion of solidity then my self hatred is the gateway to Mahamudra (the union of emptiness and clarity).
I dissolve it by resting in the knowing.
I'm going to ask a question today.
"I grew up with a lot of emotional violence. Last night while practicing, the habit energy of self hatred felt very solid in me, but also very clear and lucid. I felt that if I could dissolve this energy, my chronic self hatred could be my friend, bringing me closer to Mahamudra. Like anxiety did for you. This solution seems so simple, but I'm aware that I live with complex trauma. Is there anything I should be careful of?"
Teaching:
Emptiness is the fact of no self. Clarity is the recognition of this fact.
So look for self that I hate, or that hates me. I won't find either. Recognizing this non-existence of self is clarity.
Rest in this and the mind becomes a safe place.
Mingyur Rinpoche answered my question! Thumbs up. Lots of nodding. Says I'm on the right track on the path to transfromation. . If I get overwhelmed do some physical exercise. Will wait for recording and get exact quote.
Interesting to go back to my insights from the "Difficult Emotions" retreat of two years ago
Practice:
Cortland Dhal leading us through a practice in which we see the nature of mind as a huge container that can never be improved on or corrupted by our experience, dharma, thoughts.
Q&A
Cortland makes an interesting distinction between the experience of clarity as a meditative state, which is impermanent, and clarity of recognition of the NOM.
This is my takeaway for the day.
