I should know this rhythm by now.
I express an intention to be free of anger. I express a belief that I can be free of anger. I have a vision so clear that I can be free of anger.
And then it hits. The backlash wave, the reaction to someone else's anger, the clarity that too much of the time is really ignorance or narrowness of vision. Every time I think I'm free of this, I feel myself in a Tsunami.
This week at the non-profit start up where I'm a consultant and on the board of directors, I had a flame up with a long time friend and employee who I had recommended. The intense mix of history, growing pains, success, anxiety and work stress just hit.
I haven't been running as much lately. I haven't been working on my book. I'm feeling carried by a wave and I don't feel like I have the power to swim out of it.
I consulted this journal to see what I did last time I started to feel the stress of success.
First, I re-established my commitment to Tergar. I remembered the first "secret" to meditation I ever learned from Mingyur Rinpoche. The secret of non-meditation. Listen to sound. Don't concentrate. Don't "meditate." Just listen. That's meditation.
Next apply that to monkey mind. Don't try and stop it. Just recognize it and then give the job of recognizing the monkey to the monkey.
And now I am ready to rest in awareness and in the awareness that awareness is always aware of itself, whether the monkey is aware of that or not. Basic goodness, strong, steady, immeasurable and unchanging.
Be safe in this belief, and let it become knowledge.
And let this be my power. Not anger.
