Nine month check in...

So I've tried to get back into the Zhan Zhuang, but it didn't take.  Maybe because of the difficulty of establishing habits while I'm travelling.

I'm going to answer these questions in the ZZ workbook as a way of establishing goals and staying focussed, and seeing if it's making a difference in my anxiety levels, which are too high right now.


1. How does my anxiety show up in my life:

Usually in the form of personal insecurity, obsessions with things that were said, or unsaid, and worries about my financial and career security.

2. Are there any common patterns you see in the anxiety you feel at home, in you workplace or elsewhere. 

At home I don't sleep well, and have difficulty falling asleep.  I'm too tired these days to take charge of my life.   In work I feel vulnerable, and find myself being obsessive and sometimes aggressive with people.

3. When feeling overwhelmed and in despair:

I eat and watch Netflix.

4. Anxiety is not always obvious to those around us.  If your family and friends were asked you suffered from anxiety, what do you think they would say?

My son:  yeah, definitely.

5. Anxiety can affect our energy level in different ways.  How would you describe your energy pattern. 

I get anxious, default to bad habits, become fatigued and end up in a bad cycle. I also get manic and obsessive.

6. Anxiety can be tiring.  Do you experience a lot of fatigue. 

Enough to make basic tasks like cleaning and meal planning difficult.

7. Anxiety can lead to physical tension.  Do you experience physical tension in any parts of your body. 

Hands.

8. Anxiety can contribute to sleeplessness.  What is your normal pattern of sleep?

Difficulty falling and staying asleep. 

9. Do you wake up in the morning feeling anxious or in a bad mood. 

Sometimes.

10.  Anxiety can lead to digestive problem.  Do you experience this? 

Not really.

11. On basis of experience with Qigong so far, how would you like to use it to help you with anxiety?

I would like to build mental stability and emotional resilience.  I would like to build more stable energy patterns.

12.  What is the main challenge so far in the Qigong exercises I'm practicing. 

Maintaining the practice.  Being patient, and giving myself enough time with warmup and cool down.

Compassion for self

I'm in an angry and muddled place right now. Confusion. Caught in the middle of a teenage angst situation where I want to feel compassion for my son, but at the same time, I need to let him live the consequences of his decision. I'm never sure if I've prepared him well for life.  Often it doesn't feel like it. But my job now is to take care of myself. And my mind is all over the place.

Time, perhaps, to get back to basics. Open awareness.  Rest in it and listen to sound. Remember my basic goodness and Ben's basic goodness.

Begin again

Flame Out

I should know this rhythm by now.

I express an intention to be free of anger. I express a belief that I can be free of anger.  I have a vision so clear that I can be free of anger.

And then it hits. The backlash wave, the reaction to someone else's anger, the clarity that too much of the time is really ignorance or narrowness of vision.  Every time I think I'm free of this, I feel myself in a Tsunami.

This week at the non-profit start up where I'm a consultant and on the board of directors, I had a flame up with a long time friend and employee who I had recommended.  The intense mix of history, growing pains, success, anxiety and work stress just hit.

I haven't been running as much lately.  I haven't been working on my book.  I'm feeling carried by a wave and I don't feel like I have the power to swim out of it.

I consulted this journal to see what I did last time I started to feel the stress of success.

First, I re-established my commitment to Tergar.  I remembered the first "secret" to meditation I ever learned from Mingyur Rinpoche.  The secret of non-meditation.  Listen to sound.  Don't concentrate. Don't "meditate." Just listen.  That's meditation.

Next apply that to monkey mind.  Don't try and stop it. Just recognize it and then give the job of  recognizing the monkey to the monkey.

And now I am ready to rest in awareness and in the awareness that awareness is always aware of itself, whether the monkey is aware of that or not. Basic goodness, strong, steady, immeasurable and unchanging.

Be safe in this belief, and let it become knowledge.

And let this be my power. Not anger.