One More Times

It hurts to admit this to myself, here in this blog, a little over eleven years after it started it: I have abandoned standing. 

Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically.  I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality.  I barely have the discipline to go for a walk.  I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life.  I am officially obese!

And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year. 

I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work.  I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in.  And of course, television.

But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this.  Or do I?

I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.

Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book.  It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing.  Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?

Fine, I turned to sitting.  It's been amazing.  I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness.  But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.

Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation.  He's not in great shape these days either.  But maybe I could inspire him to stand.  He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.

So this is it.  Research for the last chapter. 

Returning home.

Flame Out

I should know this rhythm by now.

I express an intention to be free of anger. I express a belief that I can be free of anger.  I have a vision so clear that I can be free of anger.

And then it hits. The backlash wave, the reaction to someone else's anger, the clarity that too much of the time is really ignorance or narrowness of vision.  Every time I think I'm free of this, I feel myself in a Tsunami.

This week at the non-profit start up where I'm a consultant and on the board of directors, I had a flame up with a long time friend and employee who I had recommended.  The intense mix of history, growing pains, success, anxiety and work stress just hit.

I haven't been running as much lately.  I haven't been working on my book.  I'm feeling carried by a wave and I don't feel like I have the power to swim out of it.

I consulted this journal to see what I did last time I started to feel the stress of success.

First, I re-established my commitment to Tergar.  I remembered the first "secret" to meditation I ever learned from Mingyur Rinpoche.  The secret of non-meditation.  Listen to sound.  Don't concentrate. Don't "meditate." Just listen.  That's meditation.

Next apply that to monkey mind.  Don't try and stop it. Just recognize it and then give the job of  recognizing the monkey to the monkey.

And now I am ready to rest in awareness and in the awareness that awareness is always aware of itself, whether the monkey is aware of that or not. Basic goodness, strong, steady, immeasurable and unchanging.

Be safe in this belief, and let it become knowledge.

And let this be my power. Not anger.