December 2012, three years ago, my life was in crisis. I’d lost my job, I was out of savings, I had a twelve year old son to support, and I felt terrified and alone.
This, after decades of meditation, tai chi, a wide ranging curiosity about eastern philosophy and many, many hours of practice. But I’d never really had a teacher. I come from a highly intellectual, emotionally intense and chaotic Catholic family, and while I’d always been very interested in Buddhism, I had a deep resistance towards taking on a whole new complicated set of concepts and rituals. I did, however, benefit greatly from the sitting and mindfulness practices. Though not, apparently, to the point where I was immune from disaster.
In a moment of desperation I turned to someone who I don’t usually turn to, my younger brother. As the older sister, I’m usually the one giving him advice, telling him how to live his life, and rarely, but occasionally, the one he turns to for wisdom in his own times of crisis. My brother, while not an expert in how to live a perfect life, had much more experience with crisis. I noticed that he seemed happier and more relaxed than he’d been in a while. Maybe he had some kind of lifeline he could throw me?
He did. He pointed me to Mingyur Rinpoche’s introduction to meditation video. The moment I heard the “secret” to meditation, that listening to sound is closer to the true spirit of meditation than “meditating” on sound, I knew I’d found my teacher.
I’d never looked for a teacher because I didn’t feel like I needed someone to teach me more meditation. I didn’t know that I needed someone to teach me less meditation, and how to slowly start letting go of the accumulated emotional and intellectual clutter of a very privileged and concept rich upbringing.
I needed a teacher who could give me a glimpse of beginner’s mind, so that I could take some refuge in that, and start re-building real clarity and peace.
I still have challenges in my life, but I also have place within me of refuge, that I now know is enduring and nurturing and there for me no matter what external circumstances arise.
So I thank you Rinpoche, for your books and videos, and for Tergar. For your light touch, and the tremendous courage you’ve shown in taking your wandering retreat. You are living proof of the power and strength of your peace and joy. And even though I may never be or become a Buddhist, I know I will remain your student, however, wherever and forever.
