My sense of purpose is returning. Whenever I maintain my standing practice over a consistent period I can't help but see the obvious. That I, and everyone, is here to be happy. To maintain the ability to rest in calm, peace and beauty. To feel love and tenderness towards each other, and ourselves. To see how essential our link with nature is.
This is especially obvious when I've been getting enough sleep. I'm awake to what it feels like to be awake. But it doesn't mean that I wake up every morning with a calm and focused spirit. This morning for instance, I woke up naturally after an early sleep, but I found myself drawn in again and again to my isolation anxiety. I know that I'm not doing enough work towards nurturing friendship and community, for myself and for Ben.
I don't consider this a failure. This root of suffering can be a platform for practice. My low self esteem can be a platform for practice. Even pain can be a platform for practice. This is the ground. Even if these feelings were a permanent part of my life--and I don't believe they are--that they were permanent would make them great anchors for practice. Find the uncomfortable feeling and rest in it. The point of practice is not the feeling, it's the resting in the feeling whether it's comfortable or uncomfortable.
I hope Ben finds community at his school. I hope he starts to feel more at ease with himself. I hope I remember to make a few dates every week. I hope that Mingyur is right, that as my energy grows, I will attract the people who need my energy.
This knowledge is no longer an experiment for me. It's how I live
