The phantom anxieties that have been tormenting me for the last few weeks seem to be flying off somewhere. Things seem to be stable and friendly with Ben's teacher. His marks this term are excellent. All these things I've been anxiously obsessing over.
Starting to see the fruit of the heightened awareness. I catch myself when the irritation starts to bubble up and I stop myself there. Or at least try to stop myself there before letting it erupt into angry words. I'm starting to see the self hatred and anger as a deep addiction. Like smoking. I always thought my next biggest addiction was food. But the food is a way to numb the emotions. I'm addicted to the emotions. The self hatred, the loneliness, the emptiness, the boredom. These are the triggers and I need a different way to deal with them.
Last night for the first time in a while I didn't feel like overeating. I was hungry before bedtime, but I just had some cereal and was okay
Soon, I know, I'll get back to cultivating the chi. But until I have a deep desire for optimal happiness, it's unlikely I will stick with the chi. So I think I need to deal with this stuff first.
