Day 4 of my sleep retreat. The plan to spend the next three weeks in bed at natural sunset and lie in bed until sunrise. No matter what. Beyond my sleep mask and my white noise machine, no sleep aids, no Netflix, or podcasts, or any of the other technology companions I bring to bed with me.
The first few nights I had an easy enough time falling asleep, maybe because I have a lot of sleep debt. But last night I was hit with the full tsunami of self-hatred that always has me turning to outside resources for relaxation. I was probably about an hour in before I came upon a solution: tonglen.
I am not alone in my self-loathing. I never was, surrounded by my self-hating family. But it's not a legacy I want to pass on. If I'm going to have a son who accepts himself, I have to accept myself first. So I fell asleep thinking of all the self-hatred I have, all the self-hatred of the people who pop up in my memory, and I decided to use my tonglen practice on them. Tonglen is the Tibetan practice of breathing in the suffering of others and sending out our pure natural energy to replace it. It's like a natural green technology of the mind. It's what trees do. The beautify of tonglen is that you not only purify others, you purity yourself with this practice. It's like having a super power.
It's interesting that no one has ever created a superhero like that. Someone who could just take away the motivation to inflict suffering on others.
But if I'm going to be able to fall asleep more easily and more naturally and have that four hours of slow wave sleep that I need, I'm going to have to find a way to release this self-hatred, or at least diminish it.
