Tonight I had the sleep I'm aiming for: a four hour slow wave first sleep, followed by about an hour of calm, awake "repose," followed by a second sleep of vivid memorable dreams.
I followed this with an hour meditation to process the feelings that I remembered from the dream, shame (walking around in a t-shirt not sure I have underwear on) fear, vulnerability (discovering that someone has forged my signature on a personal cheque), excitement (I interrupt a mountain bike trip with the teenage son of a friend with an insane steep water slide) grief. (what happened to my friend's son, he seems to have disappeared into a space pocket, how will I explain this to her!!!) At the moment of the most intense grief I realized that I was dreaming and that I could bring the person I thought I had lost back to life just through this recognition.
Relief. Just huge relief.
I wonder if, in the end, this is the feeling that I'm really aiming for with all this. Relief. Relief to be finally able to sleep with some regularity. Relief at knowing that a better life is still available to me. Relief at knowing that I have a good chance of having that life. Relief at knowing that Ben has a good chance. Apparently this relief is prolactin. But whatever it is for now, bring it on. I could use some progress.
