The suffering is dissolving. As the energy in me rebuilds, the deep entrenched habits of stress and suffering in me begin to dissolve naturally. I feel it happening, the pain arising, sometimes physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes sexual, sometimes just a deep dullness. It comes up and I watch it and then gradually it gets washed away and dissolved by this liquid magnetic energy that is filling me up mostly from the top down. But sometimes from the bottom up.
I don't assume postures anymore. I stand in wu wei, first position. Usually after about five minutes my right arm begins to rise on its own. Sometimes I feel my arm start to dissolve. Sometimes I feel my head get looser on my neck. My lower spine begins to stretch as I relax my knees and sit into the gravity. Then at some point I start to feel a natural warmth in my gut, or at the back of my neck.
When I start to feel the warmth I remind myself to feel gratitude. Of all the techniques there are to iterate the energy, the one I believe works the best is to get it spinning emotionally, because we do this to be happy. And happiness is both the goal and the fuel of unleashing this energy. The gratitude keeps me focussed and lightly harnessed to the energy, especially when I feel my mind drifting off to ordinary awareness. Love keeps me coming back far more naturally and effortlessly than will.
Today I had three experiences of suffering that convinced me I'm on the right track. And ickyness that I know is usually a resistance to pleasure. Pure aversion, that once dissolved is usually a gateway to healthy joy. A deep sadness that came out of nowhere that felt as though the energy had simply hit a part of my brain, in the same way a neurosurgeon might probe it during open heart surgery. And then this deep pain in my neck and shoulders that made me realize that my alignment was being corrected by the more natural flow of energy down my spine.
I had two brand new experiences of pleasure. For most of the stand I let my left arm hang limp. But towards the end I felt a bracelet of energy, as though a hand was taking my arm around the wrist. Gradually this bracelet pulled my arm up in a floating motion. I felt such fluidity in my body that when the energy began to move my upper torso towards my right I felt like I might actually be able to twist all the way around. In fact I almost did. I stood there for I'm not sure how long, feeling the energy work its way around my spine. And then gradually I turned back. After that I was able to just stand in pure quiet, pond like energy, as though most my body had dissolved. There were still some remnants of suffering, and I was almost happy to have them there as markers.
This is always such a challenging place to be in, this peace. Because there's no direction.
But there will be. A different energy will eventually fill me. It will fill the best parts of me, the parts of me that lead me to happiness, not to more pain. And my good habits will have double the energy they had before. My talents will be more focussed and effective. And the people around me happier.
To be filled and guided by this energy and power. This is joy.
