Okay, by this I mean shame.
This last week my practice has been derailed by my obsession with The Woody Allen case. I'm not alone. It feels like everyone is weighing in on one side or the other. But I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't want to get it out of my head.
This is probably because is churns up the darkest most difficult emotion that I've yet to really deal with in my meditation practice. Shame.
I have many shames. Some deep. Some shallow. I'm not alone in this, but it is the power of shame that we always feel alone. We always feel like we're the only person to do something wrong or dishonest or to let other people treat us poorly. Grifters, abusers, molesters, bullies. These people all take advantage of our shame. They take advantage of our shame because the way they are trying to rid themselves of shame is to offload it onto others.
That is the why we're all so mad at Woody Allen. Because for one day, or week we get to think about someone else's shame. For one week I get to feel righteous and strong. I get to feel compassionate towards the woman I believe was his victim. And I get to visit my own shames and make them feel small in comparison.
Meanwhile this week I made a stupid mistake that ended up reflexively covering up for. Something that is going to cost me and others time and money. And I don't have the moral courage to own up to this. So it's probably going to haunt me for a while.
I'm going to use this haunted time to examine the toxic effects of shame in my life.
This is a very, very difficult emotion to deal with. Nobody wants to sit with shame, know it, work with it. I certainly don't.
This might be a good time to practice tonglen. Breathing in shame and breathing out compassion and courage to everyone dealing with shame in their lives. Which is a lot of people. It's the most human emotion.
