This morning I did a mini-retreat at the Tergar Centre. In the second video Mingyur Rinpoche said something that hit me in a totally new way. Who is this self that we want happiness for when we do lovingkindness meditation? When I think back to all the times I've done this meditation it seems to me that this self I wanted happiness for is usually a wounded, weak self that is very needy for a joy it hasn't had. For the first time, however, I realized that this would be a much more effective practice if the self that I wanted happiness for was my natural, unconditioned, buddha nature self.
Lovinkindness, especially for myself, too often feels like pity. Wanting happiness for an already complete self is less of a grasping process. And this already happy, good self, so clearly wants happiness for the self that is meditating. So it's a recursive activity. An activity that reinforces my best and deepest nature.
When I'm only extending love to a "flawed" self, I'm actually reinforcing this perception of myself as incomplete, needing love. When I'm extending love to a self that is already complete, I am reinforcing a sense of completion.
I'm curious how a week, a month, of this kind of meditation will influence my motivation to act in my best interests. Perhaps it's been hard to keep up the will to take responsible, nurturing action for a self I have to work so hard at loving.
And if I were to start to see myself as this naturally good self, how will this affect the way I see others?
