Ah, it was all going so well last Sunday. I managed to get my enthusiasm under control, but now I've lost that golden thread of peace that was holding things together. Obsession with problem at Ben's school.
There was a moment in formal practice today when I started to get the presence back. But it's gone now. Or maybe it's better if I just write that I've surrendered.
I don't want to surrender to suffering. I want to surrender to the reality of our natural awareness.
I need to find a way to make a fresh start.
Last night while I was up late, I found myself clinging to the first noble truth. There is suffering. There is some kind of pleasure to this obsessive mind wandering or we wouldn't do it. But I know it's not the good, healthy pleasure of mindfulness.
So I repeat to myself this morning. There is suffering. And once I'm sitting with my suffering for a bit, I remember the next truth, that there is a cause to this suffering. Then I remember that last night I went to my parents where there were baby back ribs and red wine, and then a drunken late night Twizzler and Dr. Pepper binge. And now I know that my digestion is probably not the best, and that I never quite got around to making yogourt during this busy week and that I need some bread and some fresh vegetables. Maybe the freshest start is with a big glass of water, and then a green smoothie, and then a mindful walk. And then a re-reading of Mingyur Rinpoche on the first noble truth.
As I cycle through the four noble truths I remember that there is a cure to this suffering, the sublime presence that I feel at the core of my brain and my soul.
Why am I so blessed to know this presence? Oh yeah because I'm human and we are all blessed, though some of us have the tremendous luck of realizing this blessing.
I remember that and then I look at the title of my post, and I remember that it's not mindfulness that's hard. It's suffering that's hard. Hard on us and hard on everyone around us. Mindfulness is soft and easy in the best way, and it protects our birthright, a life of abundance and joy.
I need to remember that by cultivating it, I'm protecting not just my birthright, but Ben's too.
