I read something yesterday that hit me like a bolt of lightening. From The Power of Now. The single most important,vital thing we need to do to achieve enlightenment is to stop identifying Self with Mind. The mind is a tool. The self is awareness. What we talk about when we talk about self control is usually mental control. We struggle and we struggle to control the "self." But the problem is that the thing we're trying to control isn't actually the self. It's the mind. The self is awareness. If we give more power to awareness, awareness of the body, of the present moment, of the mechanics and habits of the mind--our most powerful tool-- the "control" falls into place. Because we've simply restored control to the self. As long as the mind is in control, which is what happens when we fall into the delusion of seeing it as "self", we'll never have the control we need and crave. It's like we're trying to get a grip on a rope with which to pull ourself up with but it's not attached to anything solid. So we're tangled up uselessly tugging at this untethered rope and falling down again and again. Awareness is the solid thing, the top of the rockface.
Putting awareness back in control is the start and the end goal of meditation. It helps us clear up all the distracting habits of mind that keep us from cultivating true vitality. It helps us notice when the mind isn't really serving us and helps us reshape it so that it does.
I've known this thing instinctively, and I've probably read it many,many times, but for some reason I forget it and it's only really sticking with me right now. Perhaps because the quality of my mind is not always great, so I fall prey to this delusion again and again.
My goal this year is to really focus on improving my mind. I'm a writer, it's my tool. It needs rest. It needs more reading and less television.It needs meditation woven into everything I do, writing, eating, exercise, reading. But at the same time, I need to recognize that it's not me. There may always be bugs in my mind, poor short term memory, the consequences of a lifetime of bickering and emotional squalor. Maybe I have a tool that will never be quite right. But this tool is not my self. My self is awareness and that is always there when I need it. Always working well. I can always come back to that.
I will always come back to that.
