I did this guided meditation today and ended crying like a baby, feeling so vicerally how little appreciation I have felt towards my body for so long.
It's part of a trauma sensitive approach to mindfulness that I want to bring into my teaching practice
This week I re-started my mindful eating habit core modules at Eat Right Now.
I discovered this program about two years ago shortly after I launched an experiment. On my screensaver I put a rather disturbing buddhist painting of The Hungry Ghost, the being with a large stomach and tiny mouth who represents that part of us that can never be satisfied. I was struggling with my own HG, having hit the highest weight that I've ever recorded, putting me solidly into the medical definition of obesity. This app/community of practice is the work of Dr. Judson Brewer, psychiatrist/buddhist, and for me it was exactly what I needed. It was program and supporting community that helped me transfer my mindfulness skills in meditation to my eating habits and get my cravings under control. It also pointed me toward a low insulin food plan that helped me to lose about 30 lbs in the next six months.
I kept this off for a good while, but at the beginning of the year I started to struggle again. Tried to shift to a vegetarian diet with complex carbs that started to bring my insulin levels back up. Tried to balance that with fasting. By March I was on a rat wheel of uber eats, and my weight was steadily climbing back up to obesity. Ben was hitting a high weight as well.
So I'm back in the program. This morning's module is about The Hungry Ghost. My tendency is to want to satisfy my HG with substitution strategies, getting busy, doing other stuff. But these are just band aids on the wound. The prescription today is to just be with the pain. Eat some small healthy meals throughout the day. Know that the suffering will eventually ease
Sit. Stay. Heal.
Just as insulin is the ultimate cause of weight gain, so is serotonin the ultimate cause of wellness.
I felt that and knew that in this morning's mediation. I've felt it and known it before. So what it the best way to sustain this knowledge so that it infuses every day?
I have to experience it short times, many times. I have to set a clear intention to breathe it into my transitions. I have to plan for it. I have to make it the thing that I produce. I have to track the impact of it on my life. I have to make art about it.
I have to bring it into my big idea.
I have to use my hunger as my friend.