So my innovative theory last week was that I might get somewhere by finding the pleasure in my hatred. But at a certain point I lost my willingness. I think that exploring the pleasure in hatred should be something brief, not a day long project. It’s not the magical art of being tidy.
This morning my intentions shifted from “finding” towards “accepting. In decomposing my emotions, I’m resting more in what is, allowing the pleasure to emerge when it is ready. Allowing the flow between calm, pleasure, arousal, displeasure to develop the force of the ocean.
I’m also becoming more aware of touch. It is the pleasure and pain sense, the one we take the most for granted, the one that can have the most impact if recovered.
That said, the biggest challenge this week is decomposing my exhaustion. I’m not sleeping well or long enough and the exhaustion is draining my joy and wellbeing. The pain of exhaustion is in my forehead and my face, my shoulders, my upper body. Less T.V. more body scanning.
