Day 4 of this cleanse.
I started this cleanse in large part because I was becoming more conscious of my kidneys. I'm starting deep breathing into the part of the diaphragm that extends through my lower back.
I'm sure I've read many times that kidneys are as important as the heart in chinese medicine. But I've never really used my kidneys in a way that has made me conscious of their importance. For the Chinese they are the source of vitality and the main filtration system not just for physical waste, but for fear. I read this a few days ago in Bruce Frantzis's book, but I didn't really feel it until today.
Terrifying dream last night. I was on a bus with a group of terrorist/assassins. Fortunately I was sitting with a woman with a gun, also some kind of assassin. She was able to shoot some of them, but we had to make a run for it. We ended up in some kind of building, maybe a school, maybe a YMCA, and we found ourselves hiding in a sort of long shower with sliding doors. By this time my assassin companion was limp and naked. Now I had to take over and take care of her. But it was hopeless. I was trying to take care of this woman, but there was no way I would be able to save myself if I didn't leave her behind. This was heartbreaking because she had saved my life.
I woke up feeling all the fear that could be felt in my kidneys. I tried meditation, but could barely sit for twenty minutes.
It's still there as I write. At the same time it's exciting, because I've never been so conscious of this raw fear and where it lives in my body. It's so clear why I would want to do everything I could to numb this feeling. It's a particularly resonant feeling for me because I suffered from two kidney infections as a child, and I remembering how terrifying that feeling was. That lying in bed in agony.
I'm not in agony, now on day 4. Rather, I'm in a place of awareness. Starting to understand how all the puzzle pieces fit together.
