There is a place in my heart that wants suffering. That actually craves it. I've buried under a lot of numbness, but the truth is I want to be hurt. I want to fail at relationships, at my dreams, even at my aspirations for happiness. I want the transgression. And I want the harsh cost of the transgression. This may be in large part why I'm a writer. Because I love the suffering.
But I also want to be free of this. I certainly don't want Ben to live like this. And I wouldn't wish this endless cycle of dissatisfaction, shame and heartache on any one.
So how do I step out of this cycle. Maybe tonglen. Maybe think of all the people who crave misery, and choose habits and behaviours that loop them into it again and again. Love those people and feel the frustration of loving them and then realize that I am one of those people as well.
But don't just pray. Really feel the desire to be free. Know that it's in me to want more. Be awake to that desire.
If I really want to awaken the world, I really have to want to be awake. I really have to be awake.
