Last week in my Joy of Living practice I meditated on my sense of self. I noticed how much it changed depending on what I was doing, how I was being. How my sense of self felt strong and wise when I'm sitting with a belly full of chi. How I felt powerless and vulnerable after a fight with my son. How I felt competent after completing a cleaning ritual. How I felt protected by the routines I've established with Ben to get things back on track after an argument has signaled to us that something has unravelled.
Each self feels like a different person almost. Each self doesn't last, though these selves return like breath. Each self is a reminder that there is not unified permanent self that I can hate, or take pride in.
I returned to a practice that I haven't done for a while, loving the self that keeps me on track. Taking time to thank that self that gets me out running, reminds me to do the things I don't always feel like doing, but that as a whole make me feel safe, well and strong for others.
Next month I am meditating on time. I remember from my course this summer that the combination of selflessness and timelessness will bring that transformative feeling of no agency. That place where I am watching life as though it has the energy of a darting fish. As I sit with this transformative energy, I have no idea what direction my life will take. And I more often than not like that feeling. It's the adventure of being still.
