This week as part of my Tergar practice I meditated on problematic relationships in my life and on the misperceptions that are holding these problems in place.
The misperception that comes up again and again and again, is the tendency to see other people's identities as fixed. They do something, or have done something that upsets me, and then that's it, I have this expectation of the worst, from them, and from myself in the way that I relate to them. I feel like I have to protect my vulnerable self from their worst qualities.
The Tergar meditation on this follows a process that is really helpful in releasing these misperceptions. After relaxing my mind into open awareness, I focus for a while on my basic goodness, on my desire for happiness and for the best for myself and for others, on my steadily growing vital energy, on my ongoing motivation to stay reasonably organized and healthy. Once I've done this I am ready to allow a problematic relationship to come up in my mind. As I begin to contemplate this relationship, I inevitably remember that this person has basic goodness as well, that this person wants to be happy, and believes what they are doing is towards this, even in those moments when they lapse. Even if they are someone who has lots of moments of lapsing.
The other misperception that has come up frequently in the last week is the difficulty that I have in letting go of relationships. Especially bad relationships. I ruminate them, I remember them, I hold on to them, even when those relationships need space, or maybe even termination.
I feel like I need to learn and re-learn the difference between giving up on a relationship and letting go of a relationship. For instance, giving Ben room to make mistakes and live the consequences of unwise decisions is not "giving up" it's letting go, for his own growth. Not letting go has ruinous consequences for both of us. Every time I try to take control, I cement the idea that I expect failure from him. But mistakes are not failure. And failure can be rich ground for learning. He has many more strengths than weaknesses and I need to start focussing on that and helping him to focus on that.
He's had enough success under his belt. My job is to remind him that he's capable of maintaining that success. I've made the invisible stumbling blocks visible to him. It's up to him now to surmount them.
And I need to start letting go of these relationships so that I can focus on my own growth. My own strengths. My own success. Nothing gives a child expectations of success like seeing a parent succeed. Nothing saddles a child with failure than a parent who sees themselves as a failure.
