Midway through my first week in Maine with my parents. The honeymoon is over, and the tensions are already to starting to take shape. My mother is disappointed that Ben doesn't want to spend time with other children on the beach. She feels frustrated, I guess, because she's done so much to try and cultivate this friendship this boy that Ben just doesn't seem to connect with. I feel accused because Ben isn't socially confident. We had our first big fight over this.
I would love for this vacation to be an opportunity to work out some of my sense of powerlessness I have around my mother. To see if the power I've been cultivating in my practice can really spill over into the most challenging part of my life. But, I can't seem to avoid getting into a fight with her. And when I do the consequences are terrible. It's one to two days of being ignored and judged and shamed. Last year this happened around my birthday, 50, a milestone and it was terrible. So empty and arid and painful.
If I could manage to get through this vacation with a feeling of genuine love and progress it would be such an accomplishment. And it might help me to be more productive and happier next year.
But that might be too much to expect.
The one thing I need to accept is that I can't control my mother's behaviour, feelings or level of insight. I can only modulate my reactions. I can for instance set a goal that I'm not going to get into an argument about Ben's interests, or what he should or should not do. I can do my best to respectfully listen to my mother's concerns and then I can let the conversation die a natural death. I'm not going to force Ben to do anything he doesn't want to do.
That said, I know my mother. She is driven by something that tests the emotional will of everyone around her. There are never any easy answers to living comfortably with her.
All that remains now is the intention to use this as support for practice and compassion for my family and myself.
