In my meditation this morning I revisited one of the most groundbreaking insights of last weekend's retreat. At the pit of all my suffering is the fear that I won't get what I want. But if I rest calmly in that subtle knot of fear, I connect with the deepest reward of living, that complex loop and flow of neurotransmitters in the limbic area of my brain, serotonin, dopamine and neuropeptides.
This is the mechanism of the grasping. The reptilian brain fears that it won't get what it wants, the body responds with anxiety, the brain reaches for any of the multitude of options that exist in my current landscape. And the next thing you know I'm eating cake and watching Game of Thrones.
More and more my formal meditation is about reaching down into my gut, feeling the displeasure and restlessness that trigger this fear, and sitting with it until absolute well-being sets in. The serotonin starts to flow from the source, my limbic system starts to loosen up and soon I'm sitting in the bright clear pond of calm and pleasure.
Of course, then the fear sets in because my first thoughts are a) will I be able to make this feeling permanent b) if this feeling were to become permanent, would I lose the motivation to want anything? And the loop starts again. I rest in the fear as the object of meditation until absolute well being starts to flow back again.
Will this absolute well-being become more intuitive?
Are there any reasons why it wouldn't? Maybe the fear becomes deeper and more reactionary because I'm spending too much time trying to cram a lifetime of wellbeing into the painful hole of a life motivated more by depression.
Be diligent, but also, be patient.
