Here is a journal that I wrote earlier this week:
I’m at the danger hour for craving 8 p.m. this is where I might normally plan what I’m going to eat while I watch TV. Instead, I’m going to describe the sensation of craving, the perceptions and the thoughts that hold it into place.
I start in open awareness. Resting comfortably in my sense of basic goodness. This is, of course, what I really want deep down, this feeling of being nurtured. But for some reason, I have mixed this up with an addiction to sugar, carbs and fat.
Now I recall it and quite quickly this painful feeling of dissatisfaction flows up to my head, and a voice now says, as I write this, “what’s the point, the craving is stronger it's going to win, it’s always going to win” For the moment I’m not going to question this voice or perception. For the next few minutes, I rest in this craving, I rest in this belief and I consider the possibility that this craving is too far entrenched for me to change. I think of it as an old, dear friend, a spouse, a family member. I consider how linked this craving is to my family, and how it feels almost like a betrayal to give it up. No, actually it does feel like a betrayal. It is a betrayal, there will be uncomfortable consequences if I walk away from it. Ben who is also addicted to junk food will be unhappy if I’m not a companion in that. My mother who needs validation through massive dinners. Then I think when I look at the odds, I’m probably not going to be able to let this craving go. Not in my lifetime, but maybe I can at least let it go tonight. Or maybe I can sit and feel a tenderness and warmth towards it.
That’s what I do, and here’s the interesting thing: the love and the warmth that I’m feeling toward the craving are the things I really want. Now I’m switching places, the craving is the loving force, and it loves that part of me that is pristine and free of cravings. At first pristine energy felt like a new friend, a guest, but actually I recognize it as well as a close and dearest friend, my parent, my legacy. Now it feels like both the pristine and the craving energy can merge. Of course, the pristine energy will win. How long is not within my control. Maybe another perception is maybe the pristine energy will win.
It comes down to a choice, being with the pain of craving, or being controlled by craving. It’s the same with all the other “defilements” I guess. Being with the pain of hatred, ignorance, envy, pride, or being controlled by them. But I like this process of liking them like old friends, or members of my mind family. Resistance towards them makes them hard and dull.
