I don't feel safe.
This is what my backbone told me last night. My apartment is radically cleaner than it's been for a long time, but the downside of this is that now I can more clearly see all the things I've been avoiding. Those things that I've been neglecting beneath the outer chaos. The deepest of them all is the fundamental feeling of safety.
I'm not sure I even know what if feels like to feel truly and deeply safe. Or if I even can, or should believe that safety is possible. But how can I possibly build a life for myself, or help Ben build a life for himself if I don't even believe in the priority of safety?
There are actions I can take to build this safety, but if I don't spend some time building the feeling I aspire to it's unlikely that I'm going to make those actions routine.
So for this month, this is the emotional and spiritual goal: to know what it is, what it really is, to feel safe.
