Today I'm doing a self-directed retreat.
My life is in a state of transition as I work more, succeed more, and take on more responsibility. The old patterns of fear and reactivity emerge. I remember my professional family, chaotic, stressed, feeling enslaved to so many forces. Samsara. The ordinary whole catastrophe.
Sometimes when I head into a retreat, I have a hope that somehow I can make this all go away. But a kinder, more viable plan is to simply see the pattern and look at where I have a tendency to let things spin out of control.
It's okay to be anxious and feel overwhelmed. But it's also okay to be calm, lucid, focused and resilient.
This week as I prepare for my half marathon, I've been working on resting in the relaxation that emerges from a fit and vital body. Resting in that relaxation creates a positive loop of relaxation.
The same thing happens in loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. The more habitual these qualities become the more they grow. For many years I have wrestled with their shadows, attachment, over excitement, pity, passivity. But I feel less desperate and greedy for the fruits of meditation these days. I am deeply grateful for the insights and perceptions that have evolved as a result of this practice. And I am excited in a very real way for them to take root.
