snowglobe

This morning Ben's bus didn't come. It was a bitter feeling, cold, slushy, cars rushing around us. By the grace of god another parent showed up to drive the kids to school. It felt like this could not be a good morning to go be with my willow. But I put on my sweater and my big boots and I went.
When I got there it was magic. The sun was hitting the spot in such a way that the cold was broken and I was just warm enough to stand forever if I wanted. The pond was empty and the light snow that was falling was infused with warm mid morning light. I watched the pond and absorbed the space and stillness. Then I sat for a while and watched the bright pieces of snow dance around.
Last night Ben and I discovered a snow globe that my mother had bought him last christmas. When you turn a switch a lamp comes on, switches colors, occassional a mechanical buzz indicates that the glitter is being stirred. It's quite pretty and fun in the evening. And I caught ben reading by it this morning. It's magic. But not as magic as this lovely moment in the park was for me. So easy to stay in the present moment when the present moment so lovely. I'm realizing now more and more the importance of getting outside for meditation. I can carry this moment inside of me all day, and in a certain sense all my life.

Winter Willow

There's a light snowstorm this morning. I went out to the park to sit beneath my willow tree. It's winter so of course the leaves are gone. But the drooping branches, so many, protect me from the wind and snow. I feel the power in stillness. I feel a deeply rooted cool as I stare out over the snow covered pond. I will nurture this feeling everyday and it will keep me safe from the change and the challenges and the anger of the people who surround me. It will help me to ease their anger and bring peace and power into their lives.
We focus so much on the brain and not nearly enough on the trunk. As though the source of the tree's strength is its leaves and its tiny branches. But the core of the tree's strength is nothing we can see. That's where its magnificence lies, not in its branches, but in its roots.

Leaning on my tree

Today I went to the park to stand in the sunglazed blue sky. I did a little chi kung. Stood for a while and felt the calm of the snow covered lake. And then I just leaned again the weeping willow with its golden leaves. when I felt the strength of that tree supporting me I suddenly realized how depleted of energy and strength I've become.
I've always considered the recommendation of doing the standing outside as not really important. For me what was important was to do it for long periods, or daily. But doing it outside brings an entirely different quality to the practice. A clear headedness that is difficult in my apartment. I feel a little bit of despair coming in here after the practice. But I know I'm going to use some of my energy to de clutter and dust Ben's room. I know that the outside will start soon to bleed into the inside. And I'll become a happier person and a better mother.

Day 5

Zhan Zhuang is very much about surrendering the magnificent energy that drives nature, the cosmos, growth and, yes, disintegration. Unlike most exercises, which are primarily about using effort to get energy, Zhuan Zhuang teaches you to tap into the energy that is already there, and is far more powerful than anything you can achieve on your own.

This week I'm going outside, even through the weather is almostly defiantly crappy. Today in Montreal an icy rain has covered all the sidewalks in a layer of danger. But it did mean that the park was empty. I stood in the cold rain, next to a tree and felt this huge, quiet, deeply cleansing energy that I can never really experience in my apartment.

I don't go outside enough. So my challenge this year is to cultivate an outdoors standing habit. Apparently if you stand near trees it's as good, better even, than any anti-depressant, and I'm feeling the need to do some serious brain cleaning.

Position three really helps with this. If position two is about the energy that enters the body through the heart, position four is about the brain. When I do this I actually feel my brain relaxing, almost cracking like a knucke. I feel sense of surrender and the universe just slowly flowing in and removing all the stress. Developing the desire for this relief is a large part of changing your psyche for the better and in a permanent way. And it's a wonderful remedy for brain lock.

iced pond

I don't go outside enough for my practice. I know, I'm self-conscious. Zhan Zhuang is weird, it's cold, etc. Lots of excuses to stay inside and breathe the same stale are that is not exactly brimming with bright chi in my house. So I'm making a commitment to do at least some standing outside every day in the lovely park near my house.

There's a beautifully landscaped man made pond there, with tall old trees. This morning it's starting to get cold, weather turning into winter. The pond is icing over. Last week I noticed duck waddling their way across the ice. They're gone now. Just seagulls now, with yellowing weeping willows. But the sun is bright and feels good and warm on my back no matter how bitterly it is cold.

second position

In the Way to Power Lam Kam Chuen says that chi is stored in the Tan Tien, but enters the body through the heart. He also says you cannot think your way into this practice, you need to feel it. Second position is about generating a feeling for chi kung, and through this feeling a love and committment. In first position I feel the energy start to flow through my body. I might feel it under my armpits and lifting my hands and arms gently. But in second position I feel it as a balloon of energy. I feel it as an external force, pressing gently against my chest, the same chest I once held my newborn son. Gently holding this balloon how can my emotions not begin to de stress, how can my heart not begin to feel gradually full. Get this feeling everyday and how can you not be assured that you can always find happiness, at least in this?

Day 4

As professor Yu says, the more you practice the better you feel. Zhan Zhuang really is that simple. Whenever I get back to it I can believe I ever stopped doing it. It's such a guaranteed deep mind boost. I do feel the silent laughter that he talks about, deep in my belly is still feel the deep tickle of energy in my Tan Tien.

So glad to be back.