After x-mas I started a 5 day fast.
On day 4, and I feel great. A little hungry, but not ravenous. It's interesting how I feel so much better fasting than I ever did doing cleanses.
Worth noting that my meditation is much deeper and more intense. Could be because of the increase in serotonin.
Went for a walk and noticed that when I start having fantasy arguments my brain is probably trying to find some cortisol to get at some blood sugar. Becoming aware of that, I was able to shift my attention to my breath, my body, my tan tien, and gradually shift out of this habit.
But also being forced to face why I'm overeating. The craving at night is emotional now, not hormonal. I feel that emptiness. But better to feel it than try and fill it with food.
I wonder what the effect of lowering my insulin will be on my general impulsivity.
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Looking towards 2030
Today I look over the last decade of my life.
If I were candid with myself, it feels very much like my decade of watching TV. I won't be too unkind to myself. It was a good decade for TV. And life presented me with some opportunities that I don't regret taking.
Writing for Salon gave me the confidence to start apply to Banff, start book projects, reach out to agents, know that I could be taken seriously. TV has a very important impact on the world, on culture, on how we think about people. But when it comes right down to it, it interferes with my sleep. And it interferes with my commitment to writing. It rewards and increases my impulsivity and undermines my commitments to care for myself, for Ben, and help build a better world.
I have an opportunity with my current work, and my current writing, to work towards bigger goals. I have an opportunity to put my writing towards creating a more innovative and equitable education system. Towards giving young girls more insight into what they can do with technology. Towards giving other countries what they need to localize and take control of their own education economic potential.
For that, quite simply, I need to sleep better than I am. I need to have mental clarity and solid algorithms that can transfer my knowledge to others.
I think back to that study that Annie Dillard wrote of in The Writing Life. About how male butterflies presented with an oversized cardboard butterfly over an actual butterfly, will choose the cardboard butterfly every time. I can't spend my life humping cardboard butterflies. Even if that is what all the other butterflies are doing.
The next decade of my life is crucial. It can determine how I spend my last decades on earth, in can determine the quality of my life before death. And it can also determine, or be part of determining, how we as a species live, or die.
If I were candid with myself, it feels very much like my decade of watching TV. I won't be too unkind to myself. It was a good decade for TV. And life presented me with some opportunities that I don't regret taking.
Writing for Salon gave me the confidence to start apply to Banff, start book projects, reach out to agents, know that I could be taken seriously. TV has a very important impact on the world, on culture, on how we think about people. But when it comes right down to it, it interferes with my sleep. And it interferes with my commitment to writing. It rewards and increases my impulsivity and undermines my commitments to care for myself, for Ben, and help build a better world.
I have an opportunity with my current work, and my current writing, to work towards bigger goals. I have an opportunity to put my writing towards creating a more innovative and equitable education system. Towards giving young girls more insight into what they can do with technology. Towards giving other countries what they need to localize and take control of their own education economic potential.
For that, quite simply, I need to sleep better than I am. I need to have mental clarity and solid algorithms that can transfer my knowledge to others.
I think back to that study that Annie Dillard wrote of in The Writing Life. About how male butterflies presented with an oversized cardboard butterfly over an actual butterfly, will choose the cardboard butterfly every time. I can't spend my life humping cardboard butterflies. Even if that is what all the other butterflies are doing.
The next decade of my life is crucial. It can determine how I spend my last decades on earth, in can determine the quality of my life before death. And it can also determine, or be part of determining, how we as a species live, or die.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
2019, what happened....
This blog has not been as much of a presence in my life this year. Interesting, since I'd made something of a resolution at the end of last year to turn it into a book.
I worked in April to start putting it into a more chronological form. Then I seem to have given up around May. That was when I signed up to ERN and started doing much of my journalling there. I needed that community. And I think they benefitted from me. But I don't want to give up this journal. It's been my lifeboat.
I also diverted some of my meditative/creative energy into the still unfinished Vipassana essay
I don't want to give up on the project of turning this into a book of some kind. I don't want to give up on writing about meditation. But I also don't want to be writing from a place of worry and forcing.
My biggest learning from this year is about hormones, what they play in my life. Insulin in weight gain, serotonin in well being, cortisol in both of those things. I've learned there's a difference between anxiety, the emotion that I have little control over and worry, the habit of forming pictures, stories and ruminations from that anxiety.
This year, I want to test the link between worry and creativity. Am I more or less creative and productive when I worry less?
I worked in April to start putting it into a more chronological form. Then I seem to have given up around May. That was when I signed up to ERN and started doing much of my journalling there. I needed that community. And I think they benefitted from me. But I don't want to give up this journal. It's been my lifeboat.
I also diverted some of my meditative/creative energy into the still unfinished Vipassana essay
I don't want to give up on the project of turning this into a book of some kind. I don't want to give up on writing about meditation. But I also don't want to be writing from a place of worry and forcing.
My biggest learning from this year is about hormones, what they play in my life. Insulin in weight gain, serotonin in well being, cortisol in both of those things. I've learned there's a difference between anxiety, the emotion that I have little control over and worry, the habit of forming pictures, stories and ruminations from that anxiety.
This year, I want to test the link between worry and creativity. Am I more or less creative and productive when I worry less?
Sunday, December 22, 2019
The end of worry
A lot of changes this year.
- I lost 30 lbs and kept 25 of it off. In large part because of a mindful eating app!
- Because of my understanding of insulin, I feel confident that I can keep it off for the rest of my life.
- I started understanding hormones and the role they play in emotional and physiological balance
- I've had some big insights into how meditation mediates my body and my brain, increasing my serotonin, decreasing my cortisol.
- I've been able to bring my insights from the ERN program, I have more embodied awareness about the effect of cleaning routines, or lack of.
- I can physically feel how anxiety is connected to the medial prefrontal cortex, the storifying part of the brain, the default network.
- I have a growing, embodied awareness of what it is like and what life would be like, not being mediated by this part of the brain.
- I'm much better at recognizing spikes in cortisol and dopamine, and in dialing it down.
- I seem to work well with an OKR plan (three aspirational objectives, and measuring progress with key results.)
- I know I want to be motivated by the four immeasurable qualities (compassion, lovingkindness, joy and equanimity) not anxiety.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Three months
It's been three months since I posted on this blog.
What happened?
Well I started an essay on my Vipassana retreat that I hoped to finish in a weekend, and that I'm still writing. Bliss is The New Black, frames my experience in the choice I made to binge watch the last season of Orange is The New Black, which had me taking it in on my phone up to the last minute.
I discovered on day 1 that I'd forgotten to hand in my moleskin notebook, and though I didn't write in it, I thought about writing, and I thought about narrative the whole retreat. Suffering is of course, a side effect of narrative, so there was a loopy satisfaction in considering all this.
But three months later I have a scrappy draft, but feel very far from finishing this essay, which feels more like a weight around my neck than a gift to myself or anyone else.
Begin again, in this journal, and at whatever I need to learn and let go of from this experience and this particular block.
I did, however, take this as an opportunity to re-read my blog from January:
Here's a quick list of greatest hits.
Both of my posts on one day Vipassana course
What I learned about high intensity low intensity emotions through How Emotions Are Made
My Habit House dream
In insight I had about serotonin and the right balance of hormone cocktails after reading The Obesity Code
That my struggle keeping my house clean is part of an Aversion Loop, as compared to my struggle with weight being part of a Craving Loop
What happened?
Well I started an essay on my Vipassana retreat that I hoped to finish in a weekend, and that I'm still writing. Bliss is The New Black, frames my experience in the choice I made to binge watch the last season of Orange is The New Black, which had me taking it in on my phone up to the last minute.
I discovered on day 1 that I'd forgotten to hand in my moleskin notebook, and though I didn't write in it, I thought about writing, and I thought about narrative the whole retreat. Suffering is of course, a side effect of narrative, so there was a loopy satisfaction in considering all this.
But three months later I have a scrappy draft, but feel very far from finishing this essay, which feels more like a weight around my neck than a gift to myself or anyone else.
Begin again, in this journal, and at whatever I need to learn and let go of from this experience and this particular block.
I did, however, take this as an opportunity to re-read my blog from January:
Here's a quick list of greatest hits.
Both of my posts on one day Vipassana course
What I learned about high intensity low intensity emotions through How Emotions Are Made
My Habit House dream
In insight I had about serotonin and the right balance of hormone cocktails after reading The Obesity Code
That my struggle keeping my house clean is part of an Aversion Loop, as compared to my struggle with weight being part of a Craving Loop
Monday, August 12, 2019
Vipassana 2
Yesterday I finished my second Vipassana at the Montebello Dhamma Suttama. Day 1 of the 10 day silent retreat was also my birthday, so I consider this experience something of a rebirthing process.
I feel stronger than I remember ever feeling. My dedication to the daily-ish 2 hour practice has really paid off. At a more experiential level, I understand that it's not about the sensations, or the peak meditative experiences, or the intellectual insights. It's about the marriage of awareness and equanimity, and through that, nurturing the identification with that joyful, equanimous wisdom that is activated when we accept the impermanence of all things.
I will write a longer essay on this particular Vipassana, this weekend while I'm in Toronto with Ben for his birthday. But the key experience I had was the recognition of how much misery is being caused by the automatic habit of self talk. I can feel this ball of craving and aversion in my throat, I can feel the connection to another ball at the level of visualization that connects the daydreams to the words. I can feel how inactive the energy centres near my ears are, as I block out the input of data from the actual world, imprisoned as I am in my narrative world.
As I toggle between the consequences of a thought stream driven mostly by a constant pulse of longing and self hating, and the rewards of quiet and stable self observation, the choice to be made is obvious. Next Vipassana that challenge will definitely be to keep noble silence with myself. To my daily practice I add the challenge of spending more time in the spacious non-narrative place, and with equanimity, building a more intuitive ease with that place. In time, making it not just a refuge, but a home.
I feel stronger than I remember ever feeling. My dedication to the daily-ish 2 hour practice has really paid off. At a more experiential level, I understand that it's not about the sensations, or the peak meditative experiences, or the intellectual insights. It's about the marriage of awareness and equanimity, and through that, nurturing the identification with that joyful, equanimous wisdom that is activated when we accept the impermanence of all things.
I will write a longer essay on this particular Vipassana, this weekend while I'm in Toronto with Ben for his birthday. But the key experience I had was the recognition of how much misery is being caused by the automatic habit of self talk. I can feel this ball of craving and aversion in my throat, I can feel the connection to another ball at the level of visualization that connects the daydreams to the words. I can feel how inactive the energy centres near my ears are, as I block out the input of data from the actual world, imprisoned as I am in my narrative world.
As I toggle between the consequences of a thought stream driven mostly by a constant pulse of longing and self hating, and the rewards of quiet and stable self observation, the choice to be made is obvious. Next Vipassana that challenge will definitely be to keep noble silence with myself. To my daily practice I add the challenge of spending more time in the spacious non-narrative place, and with equanimity, building a more intuitive ease with that place. In time, making it not just a refuge, but a home.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Getting unstuck
My brain does not want me to be liberated.
In the last week, I've been doing more open awareness in my meditation, both in formal and informal practice. I noticed yesterday that I feel panicked when I'm just being. It is my mental habit to be predicting or ruminating. Who knows what will happen if I were just to be? This uncertainty is painful to me, so the mind and body contracts, hoping to pull me back into this comforting pattern of worrying and re-visiting.
To get out of this pattern, I have to make a conscious decision to surf the anxiety when it rises up. To be curious about it, and in that moment of curiosity to expand. This is a radical decision, to stop worrying and remembering. To just be in the present moment. To trust in awareness.
That leap of faith is the only way to be truly free. But it has to actually lead to liberation. If the awareness, the groundlessness is the destination, the liberation, then the leap cannot fail. It's a virtuous loop.
We have to get comfortable skiing in fresh snow.
In the last week, I've been doing more open awareness in my meditation, both in formal and informal practice. I noticed yesterday that I feel panicked when I'm just being. It is my mental habit to be predicting or ruminating. Who knows what will happen if I were just to be? This uncertainty is painful to me, so the mind and body contracts, hoping to pull me back into this comforting pattern of worrying and re-visiting.
To get out of this pattern, I have to make a conscious decision to surf the anxiety when it rises up. To be curious about it, and in that moment of curiosity to expand. This is a radical decision, to stop worrying and remembering. To just be in the present moment. To trust in awareness.
That leap of faith is the only way to be truly free. But it has to actually lead to liberation. If the awareness, the groundlessness is the destination, the liberation, then the leap cannot fail. It's a virtuous loop.
We have to get comfortable skiing in fresh snow.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Discarding
I have tried so many ways to free myself from the chaos and squalor of my living environment. I have tried the bit by bit, which I now think of as calories in, calories out. I get to a certain point, but my psyche simply iterates me back to despair.
I tried the Kondo method once before, but I think I stopped at paper, and possibly misinterpreted it as something I was supposed to complete in a weekend. I'm going to do a serious discarding and I'm going to do it all. I'm going to give myself the same six months that I've given myself with my weight. My weight is on track now. I know that intermittent fasting is going to bring down my insulin levels and that I will never have a weight problem again. I know that as deeply as I know that I will never smoke again.
It's a good time to make a permanent change in my environment. I have a lot of faith in the possibility of absolute change.
When I was envisioning the kind of home I wanted, what I saw was a home that supported absolute well-being. It was simple and uncluttered. There is a sense of spaciousness and peace. The possessions are few but meaningful. There is peace, and love, and a feeling of liberation from all the demands of modern life. It is a refuge.
To get there I need to discard. I need to go into a deep period of discarding everything that I don't love.
I tried the Kondo method once before, but I think I stopped at paper, and possibly misinterpreted it as something I was supposed to complete in a weekend. I'm going to do a serious discarding and I'm going to do it all. I'm going to give myself the same six months that I've given myself with my weight. My weight is on track now. I know that intermittent fasting is going to bring down my insulin levels and that I will never have a weight problem again. I know that as deeply as I know that I will never smoke again.
It's a good time to make a permanent change in my environment. I have a lot of faith in the possibility of absolute change.
When I was envisioning the kind of home I wanted, what I saw was a home that supported absolute well-being. It was simple and uncluttered. There is a sense of spaciousness and peace. The possessions are few but meaningful. There is peace, and love, and a feeling of liberation from all the demands of modern life. It is a refuge.
To get there I need to discard. I need to go into a deep period of discarding everything that I don't love.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
The Aversion Loop
In the last two months, I've made some very significant progress stepping out of my craving loop. I'm close to being at a healthy weight. I find it easier not to escape into Netflix, or shallow web surfing. I'm having an easier time turning off work obsessions and anxiety. I'm feeling more mastery over the present than I ever have.
Then there's my house. I know I made a conscious decision not to get too worried about that while I focussed on my weight. But now I need to get serious about it. I can't live like this anymore! I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot think of a better indicator of my liberation, to know that I am no longer caged in chaos and squalor.
There I said it out loud. Squalor. Such a horrible word. It hits me in the most vulnerable part of my heart.
It dawned on me yesterday, as I was coming out of one day Vipassana, that my weight was the consequence of a craving loop, my environment is part of an aversion loop. The goal of Vipassana, Goenka says is to liberate us from the loop of craving and aversion. Through diligent body scan we make intuitive the knowledge that all sensations are the result of mind hitting matter, that all sensations are changing because they are a result of change. Every sensation is a loop that is iterating or de-iterating. The mind's illusion is that we can fix them in some way. Make the nice sensations run forever. Make the bad sensations disappear. Never going to happen, because we die.
These craving and aversion loops that we develop in our efforts to control sensations are the root of suffering. Stop the reactivity and the weeds die first.
Yesterday I had one of the best mediation experiences. Not because I felt wonderful sensation, though I did. But because I had a profound insight about the nature of meditation and hormonal balance. I realized that what I was doing, as a I brought more equanimity into my body scan, was activating and stabilizing my serotonin, much in the same way I have been stabilizing my insulin.
Much of my life I've been running on dopamine, the craving hormone. It's also the learning hormone, but it's not the wisdom hormone. In meditation we cultivate equanimity, the serotonin starts to pump from the gut, where we have the most serotonin receptors. Combine this with metta, lovingkindness and compassion meditation and we get a nice cocktail with some oxytocin mixer. Know this, and you know joy. Wisdom comes from creating the circumstances to keep all these parts in the right balance.
One of the reasons I had a such a great meditation was that I really focussed in the morning, on the bus along Hochelaga, on my intention. To liberate myself and others. I felt that intention deep in my heart.Every time the mind wandered, I brought myself back to the why.
I can apply that to my environment. I can transcend this aversion loop and step out, forever. I made this prison. I can walk out of it.
Then there's my house. I know I made a conscious decision not to get too worried about that while I focussed on my weight. But now I need to get serious about it. I can't live like this anymore! I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot think of a better indicator of my liberation, to know that I am no longer caged in chaos and squalor.
There I said it out loud. Squalor. Such a horrible word. It hits me in the most vulnerable part of my heart.
It dawned on me yesterday, as I was coming out of one day Vipassana, that my weight was the consequence of a craving loop, my environment is part of an aversion loop. The goal of Vipassana, Goenka says is to liberate us from the loop of craving and aversion. Through diligent body scan we make intuitive the knowledge that all sensations are the result of mind hitting matter, that all sensations are changing because they are a result of change. Every sensation is a loop that is iterating or de-iterating. The mind's illusion is that we can fix them in some way. Make the nice sensations run forever. Make the bad sensations disappear. Never going to happen, because we die.
These craving and aversion loops that we develop in our efforts to control sensations are the root of suffering. Stop the reactivity and the weeds die first.
Yesterday I had one of the best mediation experiences. Not because I felt wonderful sensation, though I did. But because I had a profound insight about the nature of meditation and hormonal balance. I realized that what I was doing, as a I brought more equanimity into my body scan, was activating and stabilizing my serotonin, much in the same way I have been stabilizing my insulin.
Much of my life I've been running on dopamine, the craving hormone. It's also the learning hormone, but it's not the wisdom hormone. In meditation we cultivate equanimity, the serotonin starts to pump from the gut, where we have the most serotonin receptors. Combine this with metta, lovingkindness and compassion meditation and we get a nice cocktail with some oxytocin mixer. Know this, and you know joy. Wisdom comes from creating the circumstances to keep all these parts in the right balance.
One of the reasons I had a such a great meditation was that I really focussed in the morning, on the bus along Hochelaga, on my intention. To liberate myself and others. I felt that intention deep in my heart.Every time the mind wandered, I brought myself back to the why.
I can apply that to my environment. I can transcend this aversion loop and step out, forever. I made this prison. I can walk out of it.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Fast-- Day 5
I'm going to end this fast tomorrow.
It's been a great experiment. I've lost a surprising amount of weight. I've been able to work well with a clear mind. But I'm still hungry! Not ravenous, but I'm tired of it.
I haven't had the upsurge in energy that everyone claims, although I feel quite stable, and that's nice. This may be because I'd already switched to a low carb healthy fat diet a couple of weeks before, so already had that keytone rush experience (which I remember mostly as insomnia!)
I have a couple of meetings tomorrow and I want to feel sharp, so I plan to transition very slowly. I also plan to continue intermittent fasting so that I can continue to lose weight and get closer to what is considered healthy.
Feeling pretty healthy now though, and I didn't have to run a 10K for it.
It's been a great experiment. I've lost a surprising amount of weight. I've been able to work well with a clear mind. But I'm still hungry! Not ravenous, but I'm tired of it.
I haven't had the upsurge in energy that everyone claims, although I feel quite stable, and that's nice. This may be because I'd already switched to a low carb healthy fat diet a couple of weeks before, so already had that keytone rush experience (which I remember mostly as insomnia!)
I have a couple of meetings tomorrow and I want to feel sharp, so I plan to transition very slowly. I also plan to continue intermittent fasting so that I can continue to lose weight and get closer to what is considered healthy.
Feeling pretty healthy now though, and I didn't have to run a 10K for it.
Fast--Day 4
Hoped I'd wake up on day 4 feeling magically free of hunger, like everyone says you do.
In my case, everyone is wrong. I'm hungry. Not ravenous, but in a dull ache kind of way. The kind of hunger you feel around 11 a.m. I'm feeling at 6 a.m.
But other than that I'm feeling aware. Like I'm waking up from a dream in which I was ravenously hungry, but it was something of a delusion.
An hour later after coffee and a litre of water, I feel better. Not hungry, light and relaxed. Feeling ready to grow.
I looked in the mirror after brushing my teeth and said to myself "you're never going to be fat again." It felt like a fact. It was a fact.
Later in the day I had coffee with my brother. We had a quite emotional conversation about my mother, but I felt very even keeled.
In my case, everyone is wrong. I'm hungry. Not ravenous, but in a dull ache kind of way. The kind of hunger you feel around 11 a.m. I'm feeling at 6 a.m.
But other than that I'm feeling aware. Like I'm waking up from a dream in which I was ravenously hungry, but it was something of a delusion.
An hour later after coffee and a litre of water, I feel better. Not hungry, light and relaxed. Feeling ready to grow.
I looked in the mirror after brushing my teeth and said to myself "you're never going to be fat again." It felt like a fact. It was a fact.
Later in the day I had coffee with my brother. We had a quite emotional conversation about my mother, but I felt very even keeled.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Fast --Day 3
I'm still hungry. Not ravenous, but I miss food. Dealing mostly with the psychological cravings, but also feeling a little slow and spacey.
This might sound a little morbid, but this morning I was thinking that this might be the best way to die. When I googled this, it turns out that hospice workers say that terminally ill patients who starve themselves experience much better deaths than those who die with medical intervention.
I'm starting to feel quite spiritual about this fast.
Went for quite a long walk with Ben. Felt slow and relaxed, as though I'd just gotten out of the bath. Talked him through some emotional trauma. I'm feeling hungry, but quite stable.
This might sound a little morbid, but this morning I was thinking that this might be the best way to die. When I googled this, it turns out that hospice workers say that terminally ill patients who starve themselves experience much better deaths than those who die with medical intervention.
I'm starting to feel quite spiritual about this fast.
Went for quite a long walk with Ben. Felt slow and relaxed, as though I'd just gotten out of the bath. Talked him through some emotional trauma. I'm feeling hungry, but quite stable.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Fast--Day 2
It is said that day 2 is the hardest. Hormones increase like grhelin, which signals hunger, and cortisol, which raises blood sugar to deal with stress.
From the chart I read in a blog, by Dr. Jason Fung, a Toronto nephrologist, Ghrelin and cortisol is highest in the morning of day 2. I certainly felt that this morning, but by 8 a.m. it seems to be passing.
I expect about three really strong waves throughout the day. But I've been learning a method for dealing with them over the last month. Don't fight it. Dial anxiety down to curiosity. Recognize that the hunger is a fact. Sit with it and notice what if feels like in every part of the body. Get specific with the notations. Sometimes I even time it.
Then, notice how it feels when it passes, which it always does. Than hunger doesn't last is also a fact. What I'm trying to do is make that more intuitive.
The brain adjusts. It pulls the energy it needs from stored fat. It's been built to do this, and it may even suffer if it never gets the chance to exercise this mechanism. There's a time to grow, and a time to decompose.
This is the theory behind fasting for health.
Later
Interesting article on how fasting can re-boot metabolism. Interesting in terms of my post-traumatic growth theme:
From the chart I read in a blog, by Dr. Jason Fung, a Toronto nephrologist, Ghrelin and cortisol is highest in the morning of day 2. I certainly felt that this morning, but by 8 a.m. it seems to be passing.
I expect about three really strong waves throughout the day. But I've been learning a method for dealing with them over the last month. Don't fight it. Dial anxiety down to curiosity. Recognize that the hunger is a fact. Sit with it and notice what if feels like in every part of the body. Get specific with the notations. Sometimes I even time it.
Then, notice how it feels when it passes, which it always does. Than hunger doesn't last is also a fact. What I'm trying to do is make that more intuitive.
The brain adjusts. It pulls the energy it needs from stored fat. It's been built to do this, and it may even suffer if it never gets the chance to exercise this mechanism. There's a time to grow, and a time to decompose.
This is the theory behind fasting for health.
Later
Interesting article on how fasting can re-boot metabolism. Interesting in terms of my post-traumatic growth theme:
Fast--Day 1
This is a new adventure.
A couple of months ago I started a serious commitment to mindful eating, with the goal of liberating myself from cravings.
It's been going well. I've been riding waves of hunger like a pro. I've lost weight. I feel healthier. But I'm curious about a phenomenon I've read about, in which hunger disappears on the fourth day of a water fast.
From the accounts of fasts I've been reading, David Rakoff for one, eventually fasting produces an inner calm, less irritation, more clarity.
This seems daunting, but also exciting. I can't image a life without hunger. Eating mostly for health, sometimes for pleasure, not feeling driven and imprisoned by food, running hours every week just to keep my weight stable.
I'm going to do it!
I'm nearing what would be dinner time, and yes I'm hungry, but I'm full of hope and expectation.
From what I've read, day 2 is the worst day. I know I've gone as long as 48 hours in the past, so I know I can do it. Still...
A couple of months ago I started a serious commitment to mindful eating, with the goal of liberating myself from cravings.
It's been going well. I've been riding waves of hunger like a pro. I've lost weight. I feel healthier. But I'm curious about a phenomenon I've read about, in which hunger disappears on the fourth day of a water fast.
From the accounts of fasts I've been reading, David Rakoff for one, eventually fasting produces an inner calm, less irritation, more clarity.
This seems daunting, but also exciting. I can't image a life without hunger. Eating mostly for health, sometimes for pleasure, not feeling driven and imprisoned by food, running hours every week just to keep my weight stable.
I'm going to do it!
I'm nearing what would be dinner time, and yes I'm hungry, but I'm full of hope and expectation.
From what I've read, day 2 is the worst day. I know I've gone as long as 48 hours in the past, so I know I can do it. Still...
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Forgiveness
It's been a growth week.
Moved into a new office. Got information that my non-profit received a huge grant and charity status. But also had a project that was dear to my heart cancelled.
This weekend I've been meditating and fasting. Letting go of weight and letting go of grudges. If I want to be an executive, the one habit I need to change is grievance collecting. Those were the old days of recreational negativity.
I feel like I need to learn some new habits of recreational joy.
The first step is learning how much better forgiveness feels than fear and anger. The next step is to convince my brain of that so that in time it will become more intuitive.
Moved into a new office. Got information that my non-profit received a huge grant and charity status. But also had a project that was dear to my heart cancelled.
This weekend I've been meditating and fasting. Letting go of weight and letting go of grudges. If I want to be an executive, the one habit I need to change is grievance collecting. Those were the old days of recreational negativity.
I feel like I need to learn some new habits of recreational joy.
The first step is learning how much better forgiveness feels than fear and anger. The next step is to convince my brain of that so that in time it will become more intuitive.
Sunday, June 9, 2019
The hormone connection
Read a book in one sitting yesterday that has truly changed my perspective on just about everything. The Obesity Code by a Toronto based clinician Jason Fung.
He makes an impossible to argue case for the hormone insulin as the ultimate (as opposed to proximate cause) of the obesity epidemic. Lower your insulin levels, by reducing sugar and simple carbs, eating less, eating more healthy fats and practicing intermittent fasting, and you'll reset your insulin levels, lower insulin resistance, lose weight and stop regaining it. Also lower your cortisol spikes so that you can sleep better and better regulate blood sugar. It's really that simple.
The Eat Right Now mindful eating program that I've been following has prepared me well for that challenge. I'm more conscious of the difference between real hunger and cravings caused by low blood sugar and stress. I'm developing the habit of falling asleep to loving kindness meditation. I think I could take on intermittent fasting and switch over to a healthy fat diet.
But this morning, during meditation, I started thinking about all the other hormones and how meditation works to balance them. Meditation increases serotonin, the hormone of equanimity. And oxytocin, the hormone of lovingkindness. It lowers cortisol, the stress hormone that increases blood sugar in bloodstream. And it increases melatonin, which helps to regulate sleep.
It increases dopamine, the joy hormone, which can help us recalibrate to what really, deeply, feels good.
Apparently it can increase your DHEA, a growth hormone that can reduce cellular aging.
Could it be that in the end, enlightenment is basically the state of having a right and intuitive balance of hormones?
He makes an impossible to argue case for the hormone insulin as the ultimate (as opposed to proximate cause) of the obesity epidemic. Lower your insulin levels, by reducing sugar and simple carbs, eating less, eating more healthy fats and practicing intermittent fasting, and you'll reset your insulin levels, lower insulin resistance, lose weight and stop regaining it. Also lower your cortisol spikes so that you can sleep better and better regulate blood sugar. It's really that simple.
The Eat Right Now mindful eating program that I've been following has prepared me well for that challenge. I'm more conscious of the difference between real hunger and cravings caused by low blood sugar and stress. I'm developing the habit of falling asleep to loving kindness meditation. I think I could take on intermittent fasting and switch over to a healthy fat diet.
But this morning, during meditation, I started thinking about all the other hormones and how meditation works to balance them. Meditation increases serotonin, the hormone of equanimity. And oxytocin, the hormone of lovingkindness. It lowers cortisol, the stress hormone that increases blood sugar in bloodstream. And it increases melatonin, which helps to regulate sleep.
It increases dopamine, the joy hormone, which can help us recalibrate to what really, deeply, feels good.
Apparently it can increase your DHEA, a growth hormone that can reduce cellular aging.
Could it be that in the end, enlightenment is basically the state of having a right and intuitive balance of hormones?
Sunday, June 2, 2019
Loving Kindness week
It's hard to live a life that isn't motivated by cravings. It means being motivated by love, and that takes time to make intuitive.
So it makes sense, as I'm trying to change my eating habits, to take the time to make loving kindness the mission of my life.
In his new book, Mingyur Rinpoche repeats the belief that sitting still is the most radical and impactful thing we can do for the world.
This is a difficult thing to believe because it goes against all the learning we have received. Action is what changes things. Action is the only thing that changes things and can bring about happiness. Or so we are taught
But sitting still is action. It is the action of connecting to the driving force of the universe. It is the action of liberating ourselves from the suffering that chaos and poor habits create. It is the action of recalibrating our lives with the deepest and most enduring wisdom. It is the action of being determined to know reality as it is, not as we want it to be.
So it makes sense, as I'm trying to change my eating habits, to take the time to make loving kindness the mission of my life.
In his new book, Mingyur Rinpoche repeats the belief that sitting still is the most radical and impactful thing we can do for the world.
This is a difficult thing to believe because it goes against all the learning we have received. Action is what changes things. Action is the only thing that changes things and can bring about happiness. Or so we are taught
But sitting still is action. It is the action of connecting to the driving force of the universe. It is the action of liberating ourselves from the suffering that chaos and poor habits create. It is the action of recalibrating our lives with the deepest and most enduring wisdom. It is the action of being determined to know reality as it is, not as we want it to be.
Sunday, May 19, 2019
May Vipassana
I worried going to this one day Vipassana, so close to the last month, that I would end up with some kind of Vipassana fatigue. But in the end I had one of the most productive meditation days I can remember. For a full day I felt like I was on a true break from my self, the voice in the head, the constant craving and giving into self-referential thought.
Today, as I write this, I'm not as strong, so it's worth going over the insights that made it easier to live in a place of peace and focus.
In anapana, I surrendered to Goenka's voice telling me again and again to let go of effort, to let the dhamma do the work, and that my one job was to be aware of breath and the sensations of the breath at the nostrils. The breath began to turn like a wheel, like it did last month. For a few minutes I was so concentrated on this movement that everything evaporated and I felt myself disappear, not much but a point in a sea of white light that began to emerge.
In Vipassana, Goenka changed the instruction slightly. My one job was to observe the sensations as they were, not as I wanted them to be. That job kept up for the rest of the day was enough to shut down that default network for most of the day.
This didn't mean a day of white light. It mean a day with a lot of stress rising up. But I sat with the resistance and by the time we were ready to metta, most of it had dissipated.
Protect the dhamma and the dhamma will protect you. In the context of a day of feeling more in touch with the dhamma than I have before, this made more sense, and I hope a deeper impression on my psyche.
Goenka reminded us that Meditating twice a day is like washing the mind, and that our job is not to feel great sensations, but to build our faculties of awareness and equanimity.
Doing this will give us mastery over the moment. And in gaining mastery of the moment, we find ourselves becoming masters of life.
Today, as I write this, I'm not as strong, so it's worth going over the insights that made it easier to live in a place of peace and focus.
In anapana, I surrendered to Goenka's voice telling me again and again to let go of effort, to let the dhamma do the work, and that my one job was to be aware of breath and the sensations of the breath at the nostrils. The breath began to turn like a wheel, like it did last month. For a few minutes I was so concentrated on this movement that everything evaporated and I felt myself disappear, not much but a point in a sea of white light that began to emerge.
In Vipassana, Goenka changed the instruction slightly. My one job was to observe the sensations as they were, not as I wanted them to be. That job kept up for the rest of the day was enough to shut down that default network for most of the day.
This didn't mean a day of white light. It mean a day with a lot of stress rising up. But I sat with the resistance and by the time we were ready to metta, most of it had dissipated.
Protect the dhamma and the dhamma will protect you. In the context of a day of feeling more in touch with the dhamma than I have before, this made more sense, and I hope a deeper impression on my psyche.
Goenka reminded us that Meditating twice a day is like washing the mind, and that our job is not to feel great sensations, but to build our faculties of awareness and equanimity.
Doing this will give us mastery over the moment. And in gaining mastery of the moment, we find ourselves becoming masters of life.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Habit House
I had a significant dream last night, after my heart opening meditation.
I was sleeping in well maintained old, somewhat dark,Victorian era, house, kind of like what my middle class grandparents might have lived in. A quite scary, Charlie Manson looking type man, showed up at my bedroom door threatening me with some kind of horrible fate (which wasn't made clear) if I didn't do something, or not do something (that also wasn't made clear). He left, indicating that I would have some indeterminate time to do this thing that I didn't even understand.
My first action was to try and lock the doors so that he couldn't get back in. But none of the doors in this house were lockable. Either they didn't have locks, or the locks were so old, the locks were more ornamental than actually working. Finally I felt I had no choice but to leave the house for the moment.
When I returned, the scary man was sitting in the foyer waiting for me. I had nowhere to live, but I knew was safer outside the house looking in.
That's as much as I remember, but as I was writing that dream in my journal this morning it hit me what a clear metaphor this was for the patterns I'm trying to change and the way I'm feeling right now about those patterns.
The locks on this house are the habits that are no longer working, and have long since lost their utility. The scary guy is basically everyone who has ever made me the object of their dis satisfaction or anger. This would represent a lot of people, not necessarily because I'm a dissatisfying person, but because dissatisfaction is most people's default mode, so as a fellow human I'm bound to end up the object of some of that. Maybe those locks once worked to keep those people with their confusing, or confused agendas out, but they don't work anymore.
I'm in a vulnerable place right now, the open space around and outside this old habit house, looking in. But it's a safer place for now.
A different kind of scary, but a better one, because outside the house, there is the possibility of help and liberation.
I was sleeping in well maintained old, somewhat dark,Victorian era, house, kind of like what my middle class grandparents might have lived in. A quite scary, Charlie Manson looking type man, showed up at my bedroom door threatening me with some kind of horrible fate (which wasn't made clear) if I didn't do something, or not do something (that also wasn't made clear). He left, indicating that I would have some indeterminate time to do this thing that I didn't even understand.
My first action was to try and lock the doors so that he couldn't get back in. But none of the doors in this house were lockable. Either they didn't have locks, or the locks were so old, the locks were more ornamental than actually working. Finally I felt I had no choice but to leave the house for the moment.
When I returned, the scary man was sitting in the foyer waiting for me. I had nowhere to live, but I knew was safer outside the house looking in.
That's as much as I remember, but as I was writing that dream in my journal this morning it hit me what a clear metaphor this was for the patterns I'm trying to change and the way I'm feeling right now about those patterns.
The locks on this house are the habits that are no longer working, and have long since lost their utility. The scary guy is basically everyone who has ever made me the object of their dis satisfaction or anger. This would represent a lot of people, not necessarily because I'm a dissatisfying person, but because dissatisfaction is most people's default mode, so as a fellow human I'm bound to end up the object of some of that. Maybe those locks once worked to keep those people with their confusing, or confused agendas out, but they don't work anymore.
I'm in a vulnerable place right now, the open space around and outside this old habit house, looking in. But it's a safer place for now.
A different kind of scary, but a better one, because outside the house, there is the possibility of help and liberation.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Writing from flow
This has been a big week. I started a mindful eating program that has me digging deep into my food cravings, and as a result, my other cravings.
The program is designed by a Psychiatrist at Brown, Judson Brewer, and listening to him on a Podcast, he says that he wrote a book in two weeks, while he was on self-guided retreat, deciding that he would only write from a state of flow.
I'm making the same vow, which means that I'm in flow right now. Finished a productive meditation where I diligently rested my awareness in the center of my chest, where the energy is contracted, hard, like a clenched fist.
I know what it's protecting, layers and layers of disappointment and heartbreak. But I don't have to protect myself anymore. I've long ago locked away any desire I once had for companionship. Or at least that's what I've told myself.
Maybe it will come back, but for the moment my heart is feeling more expansive than it has for a very long time. I'm okay. I have the courage to open that tender spot to the world. I can offer my heart like an open palm, welcoming anyone who has felt despair.
I can resist that craving for self-hatred
The program is designed by a Psychiatrist at Brown, Judson Brewer, and listening to him on a Podcast, he says that he wrote a book in two weeks, while he was on self-guided retreat, deciding that he would only write from a state of flow.
I'm making the same vow, which means that I'm in flow right now. Finished a productive meditation where I diligently rested my awareness in the center of my chest, where the energy is contracted, hard, like a clenched fist.
I know what it's protecting, layers and layers of disappointment and heartbreak. But I don't have to protect myself anymore. I've long ago locked away any desire I once had for companionship. Or at least that's what I've told myself.
Maybe it will come back, but for the moment my heart is feeling more expansive than it has for a very long time. I'm okay. I have the courage to open that tender spot to the world. I can offer my heart like an open palm, welcoming anyone who has felt despair.
I can resist that craving for self-hatred
Sunday, April 28, 2019
The bough of healthy eating
Aversion and craving. This is what wipes out the sprouts that never quite make it to bough in my growth. Last week I wrote about how being in a state of high arousal can trigger some of the old habit patterns that I hold from living in ongoing trauma. But of course, being in low arousal can trigger these too. Being calm, the memories, the pain, the patterns, the sensations float up. Being bored, which is the most challenging kind of low arousal state, is what triggers the craving for drama to shake things up.
I experienced this yesterday in my one day Vipassana retreat. Of course I went into this hoping for peak meditative experiences. I had one early in Anapana, my breath became so short and shallow it became like a small circular pump at my nostrils, and breathing became more like a quiet, beating pulse than a whole body process. I became anxious, but with equanimity, I was able to see how this quick breathing could really help me in reacting to the inevitable stresses that arise when the past aversions and cravings arise.
Aware, equanimous. Goenka's sonorous voice became a one two anti-punch, as I sat with the subtle waves of pleasure and displeasure. Be aware of the sensation, respond with equanimty. Break the cycle of proliferation of aversion and craving. Old habit patterns rise up. New habit patterns take their place, and with diligence, ardent diligence, they take root.
I ate my lunch slowly, very slowly. So slowly, I couldn't imagine even finishing a small and simple lunch I had brought, in the time that I had. Not if I wanted to have time to go for a walk. If I could implant this new habit, the cravings and aversions that derail healthy, wholesome eating might have the chance of making it into a bough. But I need to be patient. Boughs don't grow overnight. I have the advantage of looking at almost seven years of data on my weight loss and gain. I've gained a little over a pound a year to where I now hover at the cusp of overweight and obese. I don't want to find myself a decade from now normalizing obesity.
But more important than that, I don't want to be driven by the hungry ghost that makes that happen. I want to be driven by the awareness and equanimity that will reverse this trend. I want to look at this graph a year from now and see a cliff, then steady ground, maybe even a valley. That can only happen if the cravings have dried up. The ghost has finally been allowed to find peace.
But I want to look at this graph seven years from now and see the evidence that this bough of healthy eating finally got the support it needed to flourish and mature.
I experienced this yesterday in my one day Vipassana retreat. Of course I went into this hoping for peak meditative experiences. I had one early in Anapana, my breath became so short and shallow it became like a small circular pump at my nostrils, and breathing became more like a quiet, beating pulse than a whole body process. I became anxious, but with equanimity, I was able to see how this quick breathing could really help me in reacting to the inevitable stresses that arise when the past aversions and cravings arise.
Aware, equanimous. Goenka's sonorous voice became a one two anti-punch, as I sat with the subtle waves of pleasure and displeasure. Be aware of the sensation, respond with equanimty. Break the cycle of proliferation of aversion and craving. Old habit patterns rise up. New habit patterns take their place, and with diligence, ardent diligence, they take root.
I ate my lunch slowly, very slowly. So slowly, I couldn't imagine even finishing a small and simple lunch I had brought, in the time that I had. Not if I wanted to have time to go for a walk. If I could implant this new habit, the cravings and aversions that derail healthy, wholesome eating might have the chance of making it into a bough. But I need to be patient. Boughs don't grow overnight. I have the advantage of looking at almost seven years of data on my weight loss and gain. I've gained a little over a pound a year to where I now hover at the cusp of overweight and obese. I don't want to find myself a decade from now normalizing obesity.
But more important than that, I don't want to be driven by the hungry ghost that makes that happen. I want to be driven by the awareness and equanimity that will reverse this trend. I want to look at this graph a year from now and see a cliff, then steady ground, maybe even a valley. That can only happen if the cravings have dried up. The ghost has finally been allowed to find peace.
But I want to look at this graph seven years from now and see the evidence that this bough of healthy eating finally got the support it needed to flourish and mature.
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Building a bough
I've figured out some things this week.
I've been putting these posts in chronological form so that I can mould this into a book some day, and I'm struck by an insight I had in the first week that really frames this entire adventure. Post-traumatic sprouts. This was a phenomenon after the ice storm of '98. The worst storm in Canadian history. The ice was so strong and so thick that many trees lost major boughs. In subsequent years, sprouts would appear, but they weren't strong enough for life as a major bough. Rot would set in and they would die.
I grew up in a place of trauma. My father was an alcoholic. His father a child who had to bear the entire weight of his father, the son of a single mother in Portsmouth, and WW1 veteran who never successfully reintegrated with the family on his return from arguably the worst war in the history of humanity. My mother the daughter of an Irish Catholic immigrant mother who never said the words "I love you" her entire life, and a loving, but spoilt Glaswegian.
My parents marriage was an ice storm that is still going on.
Some days I feel like a trunk with spindly branches and rotting sprouts that never make it into branches. But some days, I recognize one bough that is strong enough to support a lot of aborted growth: my meditation practice. And on another day, I recognize another bough: my writing practice.
I'm reading a fascinating book right now, How Emotions are Made. The theory, and it's a good one, is that our bodies are in a constant state of flux that is the interaction of Valence, the pleasure/displeasure values, and Affect, the calm/arousal values. Low arousal and pleasure, for instance is a state of serenity. High arousal and pleasure is elation. Medium pleasant is gratitude. High arousal and displeasure is distress. Low arousal is depression. Medium unpleasant is garden variety misery.
Graphing my meditation practice to this, I realize that sitting meditation puts me in low arousal. Standing puts me in high. I did both this morning and I can clearly see the difference. I can feel the high arousal that courses through my body. It's even stronger that walking.
To build some other boughs, healthy eating for example, I need to be able to achieve equanimity within the entire spectrum, because when I'm triggered, I eat. And I need to stand, because sitting meditation on its own risks keeping me is such a low arousal state that I'm still susceptible to depression. Another reason I eat.
If I'm going to finally make peace with the hungry ghost that lays waste to every effort at growth that I make, I need to construct a place for both of these practices in my life and nurture this is though my life, and Ben's life, depends on this. Because it does.
I've been putting these posts in chronological form so that I can mould this into a book some day, and I'm struck by an insight I had in the first week that really frames this entire adventure. Post-traumatic sprouts. This was a phenomenon after the ice storm of '98. The worst storm in Canadian history. The ice was so strong and so thick that many trees lost major boughs. In subsequent years, sprouts would appear, but they weren't strong enough for life as a major bough. Rot would set in and they would die.
I grew up in a place of trauma. My father was an alcoholic. His father a child who had to bear the entire weight of his father, the son of a single mother in Portsmouth, and WW1 veteran who never successfully reintegrated with the family on his return from arguably the worst war in the history of humanity. My mother the daughter of an Irish Catholic immigrant mother who never said the words "I love you" her entire life, and a loving, but spoilt Glaswegian.
My parents marriage was an ice storm that is still going on.
Some days I feel like a trunk with spindly branches and rotting sprouts that never make it into branches. But some days, I recognize one bough that is strong enough to support a lot of aborted growth: my meditation practice. And on another day, I recognize another bough: my writing practice.
I'm reading a fascinating book right now, How Emotions are Made. The theory, and it's a good one, is that our bodies are in a constant state of flux that is the interaction of Valence, the pleasure/displeasure values, and Affect, the calm/arousal values. Low arousal and pleasure, for instance is a state of serenity. High arousal and pleasure is elation. Medium pleasant is gratitude. High arousal and displeasure is distress. Low arousal is depression. Medium unpleasant is garden variety misery.
Graphing my meditation practice to this, I realize that sitting meditation puts me in low arousal. Standing puts me in high. I did both this morning and I can clearly see the difference. I can feel the high arousal that courses through my body. It's even stronger that walking.
To build some other boughs, healthy eating for example, I need to be able to achieve equanimity within the entire spectrum, because when I'm triggered, I eat. And I need to stand, because sitting meditation on its own risks keeping me is such a low arousal state that I'm still susceptible to depression. Another reason I eat.
If I'm going to finally make peace with the hungry ghost that lays waste to every effort at growth that I make, I need to construct a place for both of these practices in my life and nurture this is though my life, and Ben's life, depends on this. Because it does.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Back Together
If my morning journals are anything to go by, I'm getting more clarity and wisdom in my life. But, there's one sentence I wrote that rings true. My ego continues to leap up, like a beagle my family once had, desperately trying to grab food from the dinner table. There's still a compulsion in me and in one moment, so if feels like, it can sabotage everything.
At least that's what it feels like at work these day, where for whatever reason, valid or not, I'm not feeling safe. I'm tired of my ego and its paranoid storylines. I'm tired of how much energy it takes to have daydream arguments with everyone in the company. I'm tired of how much television it takes to numb the misery that it has created for me. I'm tried of eating my pain.
I want to be who I really am, this calm and steady and clear awareness. I want to feel pulled into the drama of subtle changes in my psyche. I want to feel a healthy detachment from the dramas that everyone else is living in.
I want to stay committed to awareness of breath, nostrils, sensation in the body. I want to keep writing from that place.
Yet, I feel like I'm breaking up with myself. When instead I'm reuniting with myself . When instead I'm coming home after decades of war. And the self I'm coming back to has been keeping things safe, and loving.
At least that's what it feels like at work these day, where for whatever reason, valid or not, I'm not feeling safe. I'm tired of my ego and its paranoid storylines. I'm tired of how much energy it takes to have daydream arguments with everyone in the company. I'm tired of how much television it takes to numb the misery that it has created for me. I'm tried of eating my pain.
I want to be who I really am, this calm and steady and clear awareness. I want to feel pulled into the drama of subtle changes in my psyche. I want to feel a healthy detachment from the dramas that everyone else is living in.
I want to stay committed to awareness of breath, nostrils, sensation in the body. I want to keep writing from that place.
Yet, I feel like I'm breaking up with myself. When instead I'm reuniting with myself . When instead I'm coming home after decades of war. And the self I'm coming back to has been keeping things safe, and loving.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Belief
From my morning practice journal:
It's hard to live with less thought, less belief in the storylines constantly being built in my heard. But I get up every morning and meditate because I believe in something. I believe that cultivating calm leads to happiness. I believe in happiness. I believe that happiness is possible for all. I believe in the power of equanimity. I believe that my peace can benefit and impact others. I believe in the same way that my parents' hatred impacted me, my love can impact Ben and everyone in my life. So I mediate and I write.
What do I believe about writing? I believe that it is a technology that can have a positive impact on life, and a negative one. I believe that it can make communication possible, that it can contribute to a conversation that will keep us sane and peaceful. That writing, optimized, can bring us to happiness. I believe. So I write. I get up every morning and I write and I hope that my clarity of mind will express itself in these words. That my fine motor skills will develop into some kind of satisfying flow of mental effort. That this effort will encourage others to put effort into their lives. I believe in the breath and in the fundamentals of life. So I write because I hope that it is the expression of a clear mind an an open heart and an emerging wisdom and I hope that this wisdom will be useful to others. I hope that I can be anchor so I want to see how this ritual will be an anchor for me.
It's hard to live with less thought, less belief in the storylines constantly being built in my heard. But I get up every morning and meditate because I believe in something. I believe that cultivating calm leads to happiness. I believe in happiness. I believe that happiness is possible for all. I believe in the power of equanimity. I believe that my peace can benefit and impact others. I believe in the same way that my parents' hatred impacted me, my love can impact Ben and everyone in my life. So I mediate and I write.
What do I believe about writing? I believe that it is a technology that can have a positive impact on life, and a negative one. I believe that it can make communication possible, that it can contribute to a conversation that will keep us sane and peaceful. That writing, optimized, can bring us to happiness. I believe. So I write. I get up every morning and I write and I hope that my clarity of mind will express itself in these words. That my fine motor skills will develop into some kind of satisfying flow of mental effort. That this effort will encourage others to put effort into their lives. I believe in the breath and in the fundamentals of life. So I write because I hope that it is the expression of a clear mind an an open heart and an emerging wisdom and I hope that this wisdom will be useful to others. I hope that I can be anchor so I want to see how this ritual will be an anchor for me.
Saturday, April 6, 2019
Deep Work
I'm feeling better now as I finish the second week of my cleanse and the last week of my digital de-clutter.
I've started processing a lot of the agitation that I've been using food and streaming to avoid. I feel like I have more clarity at work. Sometimes that means that I'm able to see that I like people, and they like me more than I think. Sometimes that means I'm better able to see where my ego is sabotaging things. I feel like I'm starting to re-discover the pleasures of deep work.
So the plan now is to limit my digital activities to books and podcasts. No streaming for at least a few weeks. I will do one more week of dietary cleanse and try to retain the habit of healthy breakfast and lunch. Then the next big project will be cleaning my home. The hope is that in a body and environment that supports focus, I will be able to make better decisions with how I use my evening time.
I'm reading Cal Newport's book on deep work. I want to find better ways to guard my mind from shallow distraction.
I've started processing a lot of the agitation that I've been using food and streaming to avoid. I feel like I have more clarity at work. Sometimes that means that I'm able to see that I like people, and they like me more than I think. Sometimes that means I'm better able to see where my ego is sabotaging things. I feel like I'm starting to re-discover the pleasures of deep work.
So the plan now is to limit my digital activities to books and podcasts. No streaming for at least a few weeks. I will do one more week of dietary cleanse and try to retain the habit of healthy breakfast and lunch. Then the next big project will be cleaning my home. The hope is that in a body and environment that supports focus, I will be able to make better decisions with how I use my evening time.
I'm reading Cal Newport's book on deep work. I want to find better ways to guard my mind from shallow distraction.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Transmutation
This morning I felt the fear at the core of my ego. I've been struggling with feeling alienated from the people I work with, and I wanted to solve it by going to an event where I'm not sure I'm needed or wanted.
Instead I sat with my terror of being excluded. I could feel it, deep in my gut, near my spine. It was solid like a post. Then it transmuted. Suddenly I was bolstered by a strong feeling of vitality and ease. Both a lightness, and a feeling of power.
I could go to the event, I could not go to the event. I chose not. I chose to stay home with whatever suffering happens today.
Liberated by my most destructive habits, video streaming, crappy food, I have no choice but to face these feelings. And I have not choice but to get better.
Instead I sat with my terror of being excluded. I could feel it, deep in my gut, near my spine. It was solid like a post. Then it transmuted. Suddenly I was bolstered by a strong feeling of vitality and ease. Both a lightness, and a feeling of power.
I could go to the event, I could not go to the event. I chose not. I chose to stay home with whatever suffering happens today.
Liberated by my most destructive habits, video streaming, crappy food, I have no choice but to face these feelings. And I have not choice but to get better.
Friday, March 29, 2019
Eating for happiness
Interesting article in NyTimes this morning about the effect of eating a diet high in vegetables on your mood. It is certainly my experience that eating a balanced diet has made me feel better.
And I'm a believer in this healthy gut stability. Let's see what happens again after a few weeks.
I know today I'm feeling moody and a bit paranoid. At least I hope it's paranoid.
I'll check in in a week.
And I'm a believer in this healthy gut stability. Let's see what happens again after a few weeks.
I know today I'm feeling moody and a bit paranoid. At least I hope it's paranoid.
I'll check in in a week.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Day 5
So the decision to keep fibre low for first few days is working. I'm quite amazed at how I've been able to do full work days and even travel during what is usually the most difficult days in the cleanse. I felt kid of achey last night, but then I realized this morning that I hadn't been drinking water, and I didn't really have the opportunity to eat many greens.
Today I'm at a conference, so I'm going to load up on whatever salad they offer. Going to eat a lot of fruit fro breakfast, instead of croissants. Going to stick to the herb tea. Going to check now to see if they have special menu for via.
Today I'm at a conference, so I'm going to load up on whatever salad they offer. Going to eat a lot of fruit fro breakfast, instead of croissants. Going to stick to the herb tea. Going to check now to see if they have special menu for via.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Day 3
These things seem to be working to minimize the usual side effects from day 3: drinking lots of club soda, being careful about fibre, getting some exercise, hot bath. Okay, yesterday I skipped the hot bath, and I have a long work day today, so I might relax the rules a bit. I'm also on the road for a couple of days, so maybe not the best decision to do it this week. But I can adapt.
I can keep off the caffeine. I might end up eating some gluten. I can stay vegetarian. I can definitely give up sugar. I may end up having a beer.
Or not. The goal here is awareness. I'm still in the grip of so many compulsions. But this month I feel like I'm making some progress in letting them go and in building a more stable and resilient mind.
It helps that I've given up Netflix for the month, that I've done some work on my feelings, that I've been thinking more deeply about my values. The only thing I'm detaching from now is food.
I can keep off the caffeine. I might end up eating some gluten. I can stay vegetarian. I can definitely give up sugar. I may end up having a beer.
Or not. The goal here is awareness. I'm still in the grip of so many compulsions. But this month I feel like I'm making some progress in letting them go and in building a more stable and resilient mind.
It helps that I've given up Netflix for the month, that I've done some work on my feelings, that I've been thinking more deeply about my values. The only thing I'm detaching from now is food.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Cleanse again
It's been two years since I did a cleanse. Two years!
So, yes, I'm worried about how it's going to start. Reading over my previous journals, I have a few ideas for how to minimize the muscle tension and pain of the first few days.
First, watch out for overloading on fibre. I'm really going to make greens the foundation of my diet this time. Lemon, garlic, green onions, cucumbers. Be careful with the apples. No beans until I'm over the hump day. I'll get my protein from nuts and nut butter.
I'm going to drink a ton of water, and eat a lot of miso soup. And I'm going to try and be okay with hunger for while. I haven't done a cleanse, but I did eat that light vegetarian diet during Vipassana, so I'm not that riddled with toxins.
I hope.
I think I'll also do a lot of standing and walking to get the circulation going.
So, yes, I'm worried about how it's going to start. Reading over my previous journals, I have a few ideas for how to minimize the muscle tension and pain of the first few days.
First, watch out for overloading on fibre. I'm really going to make greens the foundation of my diet this time. Lemon, garlic, green onions, cucumbers. Be careful with the apples. No beans until I'm over the hump day. I'll get my protein from nuts and nut butter.
I'm going to drink a ton of water, and eat a lot of miso soup. And I'm going to try and be okay with hunger for while. I haven't done a cleanse, but I did eat that light vegetarian diet during Vipassana, so I'm not that riddled with toxins.
I hope.
I think I'll also do a lot of standing and walking to get the circulation going.
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Nine month check in...
So I've tried to get back into the Zhan Zhuang, but it didn't take. Maybe because of the difficulty of establishing habits while I'm travelling.
I'm going to answer these questions in the ZZ workbook as a way of establishing goals and staying focussed, and seeing if it's making a difference in my anxiety levels, which are too high right now.
1. How does my anxiety show up in my life:
Usually in the form of personal insecurity, obsessions with things that were said, or unsaid, and worries about my financial and career security.
2. Are there any common patterns you see in the anxiety you feel at home, in you workplace or elsewhere.
At home I don't sleep well, and have difficulty falling asleep. I'm too tired these days to take charge of my life. In work I feel vulnerable, and find myself being obsessive and sometimes aggressive with people.
3. When feeling overwhelmed and in despair:
I eat and watch Netflix.
4. Anxiety is not always obvious to those around us. If your family and friends were asked you suffered from anxiety, what do you think they would say?
My son: yeah, definitely.
5. Anxiety can affect our energy level in different ways. How would you describe your energy pattern.
I get anxious, default to bad habits, become fatigued and end up in a bad cycle. I also get manic and obsessive.
6. Anxiety can be tiring. Do you experience a lot of fatigue.
Enough to make basic tasks like cleaning and meal planning difficult.
7. Anxiety can lead to physical tension. Do you experience physical tension in any parts of your body.
Hands.
8. Anxiety can contribute to sleeplessness. What is your normal pattern of sleep?
Difficulty falling and staying asleep.
9. Do you wake up in the morning feeling anxious or in a bad mood.
Sometimes.
10. Anxiety can lead to digestive problem. Do you experience this?
Not really.
11. On basis of experience with Qigong so far, how would you like to use it to help you with anxiety?
I would like to build mental stability and emotional resilience. I would like to build more stable energy patterns.
12. What is the main challenge so far in the Qigong exercises I'm practicing.
Maintaining the practice. Being patient, and giving myself enough time with warmup and cool down.
I'm going to answer these questions in the ZZ workbook as a way of establishing goals and staying focussed, and seeing if it's making a difference in my anxiety levels, which are too high right now.
1. How does my anxiety show up in my life:
Usually in the form of personal insecurity, obsessions with things that were said, or unsaid, and worries about my financial and career security.
2. Are there any common patterns you see in the anxiety you feel at home, in you workplace or elsewhere.
At home I don't sleep well, and have difficulty falling asleep. I'm too tired these days to take charge of my life. In work I feel vulnerable, and find myself being obsessive and sometimes aggressive with people.
3. When feeling overwhelmed and in despair:
I eat and watch Netflix.
4. Anxiety is not always obvious to those around us. If your family and friends were asked you suffered from anxiety, what do you think they would say?
My son: yeah, definitely.
5. Anxiety can affect our energy level in different ways. How would you describe your energy pattern.
I get anxious, default to bad habits, become fatigued and end up in a bad cycle. I also get manic and obsessive.
6. Anxiety can be tiring. Do you experience a lot of fatigue.
Enough to make basic tasks like cleaning and meal planning difficult.
7. Anxiety can lead to physical tension. Do you experience physical tension in any parts of your body.
Hands.
8. Anxiety can contribute to sleeplessness. What is your normal pattern of sleep?
Difficulty falling and staying asleep.
9. Do you wake up in the morning feeling anxious or in a bad mood.
Sometimes.
10. Anxiety can lead to digestive problem. Do you experience this?
Not really.
11. On basis of experience with Qigong so far, how would you like to use it to help you with anxiety?
I would like to build mental stability and emotional resilience. I would like to build more stable energy patterns.
12. What is the main challenge so far in the Qigong exercises I'm practicing.
Maintaining the practice. Being patient, and giving myself enough time with warmup and cool down.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Anapana
I've signed up for another Vipassana course in June. In the application process it became apparent that if I was going to continue with Goenka, I was going to have to make the decision to embrace this technique fully.
I haven't. Especially at the level of anapana, noticing the breath at the nostrils. I'm a belly breather, and shifting to anapana hasn't been easy. It's like I feel this massive electrical rod going straight down from my nose to my belly every time I try it. I'm starting to realize that I'm afraid to make the permanent shift to such shallow breathing. Or even to experiment.
This weekend I devoted most of my practice to it, and tonight in group Vipassana, I had a revelation. The the awareness I need for Vipassana, and for anapana to feel more intuitive, is not in the sensation, it's in the equanimity that looks at the sensation.
I've been experimenting with non-duality, but trying to root my awareness in the sensation, because I didn't want to see the sensation as an object. This new approach roots my awareness the equanimity with which I view sensation. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one since equanimity is more stable than any sensation, which by definition is impermanent.
Walking home from meditation, everything felt right in the world for at least a few blocks. Once home, I still struggled with some of the work anxiety I've been feeling lately, but I started to feel a burgeoning confidence that whatever might happen, I had the emotional intelligence to deal with whatever comes up.
I haven't. Especially at the level of anapana, noticing the breath at the nostrils. I'm a belly breather, and shifting to anapana hasn't been easy. It's like I feel this massive electrical rod going straight down from my nose to my belly every time I try it. I'm starting to realize that I'm afraid to make the permanent shift to such shallow breathing. Or even to experiment.
This weekend I devoted most of my practice to it, and tonight in group Vipassana, I had a revelation. The the awareness I need for Vipassana, and for anapana to feel more intuitive, is not in the sensation, it's in the equanimity that looks at the sensation.
I've been experimenting with non-duality, but trying to root my awareness in the sensation, because I didn't want to see the sensation as an object. This new approach roots my awareness the equanimity with which I view sensation. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one since equanimity is more stable than any sensation, which by definition is impermanent.
Walking home from meditation, everything felt right in the world for at least a few blocks. Once home, I still struggled with some of the work anxiety I've been feeling lately, but I started to feel a burgeoning confidence that whatever might happen, I had the emotional intelligence to deal with whatever comes up.
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Is joy made or given?
I've been feeling more joy in my practices this week.
Not entirely sure why there's been a shift, but it seems to be easier to access and easier to sustain. What may make it a little easier is the shift I've made from seeing emotions, sensations, thoughts, and anything that arises as objects, to simply being in the awareness of whatever comes up. I am moving towards a more intuitive feeling of non-duality.
In doing this joy becomes less of an object to be grasped, and more of a type of awareness to be experienced. It is a particular colour and feeling that wisdom takes on.
I see my sensations these days as a kind of x,y grid. Calm and alert on the vertical y grid. Pleasant and unpleasant running along the x grid. Joy kind of runs along the pleasant side of x. But not too pleasant that I have to worry about getting addicted to it.
Buddhism believes that this joy is in everyone. But what if it isn't. What if it is just a construct like any other emotion.
Would it matter?
What matters I guess is whether there is a cost to spending too much time in joy. Real joy, not manic over excitement or overly heightened expectation. Is there a cost to resting in quiet the confidence that there is enough for myself and for everybody, that happiness is not only possible, but sustainable, and that joy can be the thread that binds us. Is there an advantage to living in the sustained fantasy of deprivation and alienation, self hatred that we believe is natural?
Put this way it's so obvious, and yet we are pulled towards the bad dream again and again.
Not entirely sure why there's been a shift, but it seems to be easier to access and easier to sustain. What may make it a little easier is the shift I've made from seeing emotions, sensations, thoughts, and anything that arises as objects, to simply being in the awareness of whatever comes up. I am moving towards a more intuitive feeling of non-duality.
In doing this joy becomes less of an object to be grasped, and more of a type of awareness to be experienced. It is a particular colour and feeling that wisdom takes on.
I see my sensations these days as a kind of x,y grid. Calm and alert on the vertical y grid. Pleasant and unpleasant running along the x grid. Joy kind of runs along the pleasant side of x. But not too pleasant that I have to worry about getting addicted to it.
Buddhism believes that this joy is in everyone. But what if it isn't. What if it is just a construct like any other emotion.
Would it matter?
What matters I guess is whether there is a cost to spending too much time in joy. Real joy, not manic over excitement or overly heightened expectation. Is there a cost to resting in quiet the confidence that there is enough for myself and for everybody, that happiness is not only possible, but sustainable, and that joy can be the thread that binds us. Is there an advantage to living in the sustained fantasy of deprivation and alienation, self hatred that we believe is natural?
Put this way it's so obvious, and yet we are pulled towards the bad dream again and again.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Is anger useful?
"Anger is one of the densest forms of communication. It conveys more information, more quickly than almost any other type of emotion." Charles Durhigg in this article in the Atlantic.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
The one and the many
« This knowing does not have time. Neither does it belong to particles. This knowing quality does not belong to subject and object. It does not exist, nor does it not exist. It is not both, nor neither. It is everywhere and nowhere. There is no beginning, so this luminous mind is never going to die. »
Mingyur Rinpoche
Mingyur Rinpoche
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Sensations
Yesterday I did a one day Vipassana retreat.
How fortunate I am to have this strong sangha of meditators in this tradition that has had so much impact on the practice of meditation in North America. Almost 40 years ago S.N. Goenka visited Montreal, his first North American lecture. The community he seeded grew into this strong and resilient charity that runs a beautiful retreat center an hour outside of Montreal, and then these one day retreats in the East End of the city.
Despite the 10 day retreat I did back in September, the two hours a day that I've been doing, and the one hour group sitting that's a 10 minute walk from my apartment, yesterday I feel like I finally "got" it.
Goenka's technique attunes you to the sensations flowing through the body, and cultivates the ability to look at these constantly changing sensations with calm alertness. I also cultivates the ability to see where these sensations are rigid, giving the impression of solidity and permanence.
Developing this intuitive relationship with our sensations, in their true impermanent and continuously changing state, helps us to develop emotional and intellectual agility. We make emotions out of our sensations, and then our sensations respond to these emotions. It's how we get into these ruts. Goenka's technique effectively deconstructs our emotional patterns so that we can start again.
This morning a 2 hour meditation flew by, largely because I was focussed on just being present and directly aware of the the flow of sensations. I had some moments where my mind flew off and started working out some work problems. When I returned to my body, all I had were these weak solid little spots of sensations and it became so clear how much the overthinking of life damages our ability to just feel it.
When it become more habitual to sit quietly with sensations, face them with equanimity, and be willing to be with whatever arises--be it warm sparkly vibrations of warmth and ease, or rock solid terror--then we are truly free to live.
How fortunate I am to have this strong sangha of meditators in this tradition that has had so much impact on the practice of meditation in North America. Almost 40 years ago S.N. Goenka visited Montreal, his first North American lecture. The community he seeded grew into this strong and resilient charity that runs a beautiful retreat center an hour outside of Montreal, and then these one day retreats in the East End of the city.
Despite the 10 day retreat I did back in September, the two hours a day that I've been doing, and the one hour group sitting that's a 10 minute walk from my apartment, yesterday I feel like I finally "got" it.
Goenka's technique attunes you to the sensations flowing through the body, and cultivates the ability to look at these constantly changing sensations with calm alertness. I also cultivates the ability to see where these sensations are rigid, giving the impression of solidity and permanence.
Developing this intuitive relationship with our sensations, in their true impermanent and continuously changing state, helps us to develop emotional and intellectual agility. We make emotions out of our sensations, and then our sensations respond to these emotions. It's how we get into these ruts. Goenka's technique effectively deconstructs our emotional patterns so that we can start again.
This morning a 2 hour meditation flew by, largely because I was focussed on just being present and directly aware of the the flow of sensations. I had some moments where my mind flew off and started working out some work problems. When I returned to my body, all I had were these weak solid little spots of sensations and it became so clear how much the overthinking of life damages our ability to just feel it.
When it become more habitual to sit quietly with sensations, face them with equanimity, and be willing to be with whatever arises--be it warm sparkly vibrations of warmth and ease, or rock solid terror--then we are truly free to live.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
The Wave
So a few days ago I had an exceptional mind flipping meditation.
And then on cue, a wave of craving hit, Netflix binging on Billie Bob Thornton's washed up alcoholic redemption series. So, yesterday morning I'm struggling with a splintered chaotic mind.
The one thing I had going for me, apart from my years of meditation practice, was a tidy room. I sought refuge. Meditated when I felt the craving hit. Examined my options like reading a revolutionary book on How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett, instead of defaulting to Netflix. And ended up in bed at 10 p.m.
I feel the fruits this morning, feeling a palpable shift from right brain to left brain awareness.
Making more room for healthy energy in my life, literally means making a room for it.
And then on cue, a wave of craving hit, Netflix binging on Billie Bob Thornton's washed up alcoholic redemption series. So, yesterday morning I'm struggling with a splintered chaotic mind.
The one thing I had going for me, apart from my years of meditation practice, was a tidy room. I sought refuge. Meditated when I felt the craving hit. Examined my options like reading a revolutionary book on How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett, instead of defaulting to Netflix. And ended up in bed at 10 p.m.
I feel the fruits this morning, feeling a palpable shift from right brain to left brain awareness.
Making more room for healthy energy in my life, literally means making a room for it.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
The Force
Wonderful meditation this morning.
Yesterday I watched a video that reminded me of that six second time lag we have between when our brain makes a decision and we become conscious of the decision. It's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that we might not have free will. And especially the idea that if we don't, why would this decision making energy make some of the poor decisions that it does?
But another way of looking at it is that we make some of the bigger decisions, based on reflection on previous decisions, and our brain then makes the smaller ones. One big decision we can make is to turn out lives over to the management of the energy that makes better decisions. This force field that created this magnificent world.
Combining some of the golden ball tai chi I'm recovering and the body scanning I've been doing in Vipassana, I found myself this morning really being in a bigger, better energy. Really feeling what it would be like to let it manage me, and thus impact the lives of the people who depend on me.
For a good long while I felt this energy flip me around and take control.
May I continue today to be with this force.
Yesterday I watched a video that reminded me of that six second time lag we have between when our brain makes a decision and we become conscious of the decision. It's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that we might not have free will. And especially the idea that if we don't, why would this decision making energy make some of the poor decisions that it does?
But another way of looking at it is that we make some of the bigger decisions, based on reflection on previous decisions, and our brain then makes the smaller ones. One big decision we can make is to turn out lives over to the management of the energy that makes better decisions. This force field that created this magnificent world.
Combining some of the golden ball tai chi I'm recovering and the body scanning I've been doing in Vipassana, I found myself this morning really being in a bigger, better energy. Really feeling what it would be like to let it manage me, and thus impact the lives of the people who depend on me.
For a good long while I felt this energy flip me around and take control.
May I continue today to be with this force.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
The plan
My plan for returning to Zhan Zhuang is to start the way I would start if I were arriving at this blog for the first time, and starting the way I started almost 25 years ago, with Lam Kam Chuen's Way of Energy.
The plan is to stand five minutes a day this week, ten next, until by the end of the month I'm doing the regular twenty minutes, and by three months I'm back to an hour.
But I'm going to add something new. A new Chuen book. His Qigong workbook for anxiety. While I don't tend to think of myself suffering from anxiety, I clearly do. I had a terrible dream last night, in which my insecurity and reactivity lost me my job. Of course this anxiety is at the root of all my cravings and bad habits. Bad habit are almost always a poor response to nervousness and fear.
Last night I noticed once again how hard it is for me to lie still in my bed and go to sleep. There is a kind of terror that still grips me when I lie in bed. You'd think after years of meditation it would have ebbed, but it's still hard.
Chuen's approach is not to eliminate anxiety, but to work with it. So here goes...
The plan is to stand five minutes a day this week, ten next, until by the end of the month I'm doing the regular twenty minutes, and by three months I'm back to an hour.
But I'm going to add something new. A new Chuen book. His Qigong workbook for anxiety. While I don't tend to think of myself suffering from anxiety, I clearly do. I had a terrible dream last night, in which my insecurity and reactivity lost me my job. Of course this anxiety is at the root of all my cravings and bad habits. Bad habit are almost always a poor response to nervousness and fear.
Last night I noticed once again how hard it is for me to lie still in my bed and go to sleep. There is a kind of terror that still grips me when I lie in bed. You'd think after years of meditation it would have ebbed, but it's still hard.
Chuen's approach is not to eliminate anxiety, but to work with it. So here goes...
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
One More Times
It hurts to admit this to myself, here in this blog, a little over eleven years after it started it: I have abandoned standing.
Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically. I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality. I barely have the discipline to go for a walk. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I am officially obese!
And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year.
I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work. I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in. And of course, television.
But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this. Or do I?
I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.
Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book. It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing. Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?
Fine, I turned to sitting. It's been amazing. I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness. But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.
Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation. He's not in great shape these days either. But maybe I could inspire him to stand. He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.
So this is it. Research for the last chapter.
Returning home.
Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically. I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality. I barely have the discipline to go for a walk. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I am officially obese!
And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year.
I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work. I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in. And of course, television.
But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this. Or do I?
I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.
Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book. It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing. Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?
Fine, I turned to sitting. It's been amazing. I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness. But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.
Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation. He's not in great shape these days either. But maybe I could inspire him to stand. He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.
So this is it. Research for the last chapter.
Returning home.
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