After the new ice storm

 A sort of enforced retreat through a three day power outage. 

I had already planned to do a Fast Mimicking Diet, and it had occurred to me that I could twin that with a mini retreat. But I'm so addicted to screens and streaming, I'm not sure I could have maintained the will. This outage was horrible for many, but it is something of a gift for me. 

Let's not forget that the post traumatic sprouts were the driving metaphor of the first part of this adventure. 

And let's not forget my visit to the Last of Us Cafe! 

I'm on day 4 now, and I'm wondering if I could extend this into a month long dopamine fast. Well yes obviously I could. The question is will I?

Gary believes that the brain prefers liberation, so it will dopamine reward the mind that stays grounded in awareness and weakens cravings and aversion.  From what I'm learning about the science of dopamine this makes sense. 

"There's so much bandwidth consumed by self-referential "blah-blah"--98% of most people's bandwidth.  The good stuff, the inspirations, problem solutions and the insights could hardly find their way through that maze to get recognized.  Now you've got all this open bandwidth, and you're much more stilll, so you're more likely to be able to see one of these inspirations when they arise." 

Fast--Day 4

After x-mas I started a 5 day fast. 

On day 4, and I feel great. A little hungry, but not ravenous.  It's interesting how I feel so much better fasting than I ever did doing cleanses.

Worth noting that my meditation is much deeper and more intense. Could be because of the increase in serotonin.

Went for a walk and noticed that when I start having fantasy arguments my brain is probably trying to find some cortisol to get at some blood sugar.  Becoming aware of that, I was able to shift my attention to my breath, my body, my tan tien, and gradually shift out of this habit. 

But also being forced to face why I'm overeating.  The craving at night is emotional now, not hormonal. I feel that emptiness. But better to feel it than try and fill it with food. 

I wonder what the effect of lowering my insulin will be on my general impulsivity.

Fast-- Day 5

I'm going to end this fast tomorrow.

It's been a great experiment.  I've lost a surprising amount of weight.  I've been able to work well with a clear mind.  But I'm still hungry!  Not ravenous, but I'm tired of it. 

I haven't had the upsurge in energy that everyone claims, although I feel quite stable, and that's nice.  This may be because I'd already switched to a low carb healthy fat diet a couple of weeks before, so already had that keytone rush experience (which I remember mostly as insomnia!)

I have a couple of meetings tomorrow and I want to feel sharp, so I plan to transition very slowly.  I also plan to continue intermittent fasting so that I can continue to lose weight and get closer to what is considered healthy.

Feeling pretty healthy now though, and I didn't have to run a 10K for it.

Fast--Day 4

Hoped I'd wake up on day 4 feeling magically free of hunger, like everyone says you do.

In my case, everyone is wrong.  I'm hungry.  Not ravenous, but in a dull ache kind of way. The kind of hunger you feel around 11 a.m.  I'm feeling at 6 a.m.

But other than that I'm feeling aware.  Like I'm waking up from a dream in which I was ravenously hungry, but it was something of a delusion.

An hour later after coffee and a litre of water, I feel better. Not hungry, light and relaxed.  Feeling ready to grow.

I looked in the mirror after brushing my teeth and said to myself "you're never going to be fat again." It felt like a fact.  It was a fact.

Later in the day I had coffee with my brother.  We had a quite emotional conversation about my mother, but I felt very even keeled.

Fast--Day 2

It is said that day 2 is the hardest.  Hormones increase like grhelin, which signals hunger, and cortisol, which raises blood sugar to deal with stress.

From the chart I read in a blog, by Dr. Jason Fung, a Toronto nephrologist, Ghrelin and cortisol is highest in the morning of day 2.  I certainly felt that this morning, but by 8 a.m. it seems to be passing.

I expect about three really strong waves throughout the day.  But I've been learning a method for dealing with them over the last month.  Don't fight it. Dial anxiety down to curiosity.  Recognize that the hunger is a fact. Sit with it and notice what if feels like in every part of the body.  Get specific with the notations. Sometimes I even time it.

Then, notice how it feels when it passes, which it always does.  Than hunger doesn't last is also a fact. What I'm trying to do is make that more intuitive.

The brain adjusts.  It pulls the energy it needs from stored fat.  It's been built to do this, and it may even suffer if it never gets the chance to exercise this mechanism.  There's a time to grow, and a time to decompose.

This is the theory behind fasting for health.

Later

Interesting article on how fasting can re-boot metabolism.  Interesting in terms of my post-traumatic growth theme:

Fast--Day 1

This is a new adventure.

A couple of months ago I started a serious commitment to mindful eating, with the goal of liberating myself from cravings.

It's been going well.  I've been riding waves of hunger like a pro.  I've lost weight.  I feel healthier.  But I'm curious about a phenomenon I've read about, in which hunger disappears on the fourth day of a water fast.

From the accounts of fasts I've been reading, David Rakoff for one, eventually fasting produces an inner calm, less irritation, more clarity.

This seems daunting, but also exciting.  I can't image a life without hunger.  Eating mostly for health, sometimes for pleasure, not feeling driven and imprisoned by food, running hours every week just to keep my weight stable.

I'm going to do it!

I'm nearing what would be dinner time, and yes I'm hungry, but I'm full of hope and expectation.

From what I've read, day 2 is the worst day.  I know I've gone as long as 48 hours in the past, so I know I can do it.  Still...

Wholeness

I had terrible, weird, vivid dreams last night. Dreams about the most disturbed people I've ever known. Violent dreams about sexual torture. Strange dreams about art shows with wooden pterodactyls flying across a room.

My fear is working its way out of my body and mind. But first I need to become more aware of it. That's hard to do with all the clutter I'm putting into it with the internet, and t.v. etc. I need to break the loop. This week I started a habit of fasting two days a week to get rid of some excess weight I've been carrying.  I wonder if I spend two days off the internet and TV what would happen. Two information fasts a week. Sunday, lets say and Wednesday.

Sundays are hard because its all my favourite shows. But I can catch up at another point. I don't need to see these shows at the same time as everyone else. And it's important to me to wake up feeling clear and calm on Mondays. Not tripped out by whatever hyper dramatic show had captured my mind. Also having a clear calm mind will help me better weather the discomforts of the food fast.

I need to do this because I know my writing is suffering and this book has to be good and near completion by the end of the year. I'm way behind what I wanted to be. But I can't get impatient with myself, because impatience is the root of writer's block. I need to keep that fine balance.

So what will I do on this day of digital fast? I'll meditate often. I'll centre my mind at that spot where I know that I am whole, that I am connected to a power far greater than this feeble sense of "self." I'll give my mind space to store up on confidence and calm.  I'll think about my book, so that on my food fast day I'll be primed for a busy work day. I'll read a lot. And I'll continue to weaken this cycle of fear. I will tap into my stores of insight.