Transmutation

This morning I felt the fear at the core of my ego.  I've been struggling with feeling alienated from the people I work with, and I wanted to solve it by going to an event where I'm not sure I'm needed or wanted.

Instead I sat with my terror of being excluded.  I could feel it, deep in my gut, near my spine.  It was solid like a post. Then it transmuted. Suddenly I was bolstered by a strong feeling of vitality and ease. Both a lightness, and a feeling of power. 

I could go to the event, I could not go to the event.  I chose not.  I chose to stay home with whatever suffering happens today.

Liberated by my most destructive habits, video streaming, crappy food, I have no choice but to face these feelings.  And I have not choice but to get better.

Transformation

This week when I hear that persistent question what do I want more than anything in the world the answer is automatic: love.
  Maybe as a result of this answer I've been re-establishing connections with old, and important friends. By mistake I ended up at Maggie's place on Friday, thinking she had a party.  Ended up going out for Indian dinner, and now I'm back in the loop. Invited to Taco Tuesdays, which I can't afford right now.  But it's nice to know that I can go.
  Then yesterday I went to my first Tergar mini-retreat since JOY3.  It was lovely.  I feel clearer, stronger, and Minjur re-affirmed something I've been feeling for a while. This energy that I'm feeling in my navel is an energy of transformation.
  All of these communities, for me, are supports for love.  People I can love.  People who will love me.  I can build stability around this love.
 It's not that love is dependent on externals.  It's that love is interdependent, the play between the internal and the external.

energy focus

Usually when I get up in the morning I focus on the time that I'm going to stand. I have a peace alarm on my ipod with three gongs that remind me when, let's say 20 minutes has passed.

I rarely go the full hour anymore, which is too bad. I look back on that six months that I did an hour a day as a such a peaceful and creative time in my life. I'd love to be able to build that discipline back.

This morning I focussed just on the energy inside of me, instead of the time passing. It's been such a stressful time in my life. My energy is low and my stress is high. But somehow inside of me I know that I can transmute that stress into strength.

I slept badly last night, but even after just 30 minutes of standing I feel rejuvenated. And by focussing on energy instead of time, the time passes more quickly.

So that's the plan for the week. Energy focus.

The Trick

You can't feel self loathing and love together for very long. Eventually love wins. The trick to life is to take the accumulated stress, disappointment, fear, regret, whatever sad and painful feeling you hold in your body and brain and to make the very so slight adjustment that makes this food for consciousness, instead of food for more of the same.

I grew up in a household of hate, and I see how everyday is a choice for me between passing that hatred, and the habits of hatred--constant bickering, fighting, power struggles--and cultivating love, and the habits of love --acceptance, openness, peace building.

It starts in the morning, in the alchemy of my practice where I stand with these painful, tight, disabeling feelings, and I just allow presence to loosen them and start working with the warm energy of chi, bodhicitta, whatever one wants to call it. If I can do that consciously every day, in time my body will begin to do it without my need to sit there and give it instructions.

This is the process of enlightnment.

Transmutation

In The Power of Now, Tolle writes about the process of transmutation. This is where if we stay present with the pain in our body, experience it, but don't form new cognitions about it, our presence is strengthened and our pain is lessened.

I feel like over the years, I've learned to do this with my body, but I still often believe my mind is still a whole cluttered scary project full of unprocessed anxiety and sadness. That belief is an illusion. The mind that my faulty emotional programming is only a small part of is a far greater and stronger entity than my emotional pain. But it takes diligent practice to keep reconnecting with it over and over and over again.

At this moment for instance there is a feeling inside me of confusion and worry. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing on this day when my son is unexpectedly home sick. Should I be learning code, should I be cleaning, shopping, writing? I have less of a clear idea of which my life is heading every day.

Maybe that's a good thing. My life was obviously in something of a rut before, so if the path isn't clear at least it's not the path that was heading me into trouble.

But maybe it is. Maybe my sudden new interest in coding is just a way to undermine the momentum I was making as a writer?

So I sit with the pain of not knowing what I should be doing. I don't think. I just feel.

Eventually the pain lessens, and I have an insight. Usually when I'm feeling in a double bind between two secondary purposes, it's because I've lost sight of my primary purpose: to be. To just allow my natural energy to flourish and in doing that to help other people to manifest their own natural warmth, intelligence and openness.