Habit House

I had a significant dream last night, after my heart opening meditation.

I was sleeping in well maintained old, somewhat dark,Victorian era, house, kind of like what my middle class grandparents might have lived in.  A quite scary, Charlie Manson looking type man, showed up at my bedroom door threatening me with some kind of horrible fate (which wasn't made clear) if I didn't do something, or not do something (that also wasn't made clear).  He left, indicating that I would have some indeterminate time to do this thing that I didn't even understand.
  My first action was to try and lock the doors so that he couldn't get back in.  But none of the doors in this house were lockable.  Either they didn't have locks, or the locks were so old, the locks were more ornamental than actually working.  Finally I felt I had no choice but to leave the house for the moment.
  When I returned, the scary man was sitting in the foyer waiting for me.  I had nowhere to live, but I knew was safer outside the house looking in.

That's as much as I remember, but as I was writing that dream in my journal this morning it hit me what a clear metaphor this was for the patterns I'm trying to change and the way I'm feeling right now about those patterns.

The locks on this house are the habits that are no longer working, and have long since lost their utility. The scary guy is basically everyone who has ever made me the object of their dis satisfaction or anger.  This would represent a lot of people, not necessarily because I'm a dissatisfying person, but because dissatisfaction is most people's default mode, so as a fellow human I'm bound to end up the object of some of that. Maybe those locks once worked to keep those people with their confusing, or confused agendas out, but they don't work anymore.

I'm in a vulnerable place right now, the open space around and outside this old habit house, looking in. But it's a safer place for now.

A different kind of scary, but a better one, because outside the house, there is the possibility of help and liberation. 

Writing from flow

This has been a big week.  I started a mindful eating program that has me digging deep into my food cravings, and as a result, my other cravings.

The program is designed by a Psychiatrist at Brown, Judson Brewer, and listening to him on a Podcast, he says that he wrote a book in two weeks, while he was on self-guided retreat, deciding that he would only write from a state of flow.

I'm making the same vow, which means that I'm in flow right now.  Finished a productive meditation where I diligently rested my awareness in the center of my chest, where the energy is contracted, hard, like a clenched fist.

I know what it's protecting, layers and layers of disappointment and heartbreak. But I don't have to protect myself anymore. I've long ago locked away any desire I once had for companionship. Or at least that's what I've told myself.

Maybe it will come back, but for the moment my heart is feeling more expansive than it has for a very long time. I'm okay.  I have the courage to open that tender spot to the world. I can offer my heart like an open palm, welcoming anyone who has felt despair.

I can resist that craving for self-hatred

10 years

It's been ten years since I started this blog.

My life is different. Much better in some ways, much more challenging in others.  For the first time in my life, money is not an issue. I'm making ten times what I made when I wrote my first post. I have a great job as a director of a thriving non-profit. Meditation has helped me build the confidence and clarity it takes for this role.

I'm settling down from a whirlwind month, traveling across British Columbia, staying in hotels and eating airport food.  My lifestyle is not as healthy as it's been.  Trying to circle back to more sustained exercise, healthier food, earlier sleep.

This weekend I decided to do a self-directed retreat. Much sitting, some standing, and some napping. My spiritual energy is taking its proper place again. Awareness of awareness. The more I'm with that, the stronger my mind.

It's snowing out.  My son, now seventeen, is snoring away.  I could conceivably go out every morning at dawn. For six months.  And change.

What would I want to change?

I could still become more diligent with housework.  I could still be a more responsible parent.  It would be nice to finally finish a book.  I could become more values driven and goal-directed.  I could find a life partner.

But there is much that I wouldn't change.  Much that I am grateful for and want to build on. My meditation practice. Mingyur Rinpoche is coming to Montreal in June. I would love to meet him.  And maybe I will.

I am reading his brother Tsoknyi' Rinpoche's book Open Heart, Open Mind during this retreat.  If I take away one insight, it is this:  It is not the job of others to earn my trust. It is my job to maintain my faith in them.  People need to keep believing in themselves, and if I can help them discover that spark, I've had an impact.

My greatest power is faith, the ability to get up, despite all the indignities and faults and broken commitments, and keep at it.  Keep at something.  This is how I keep my life an adventure, not a trap.

This is how I open the door every morning and step out.

negative mantra

I still have a very negative voice in my head. A voice rooted in longstanding depression and self-loathing. It tells me regularly throughout the day "I'm depressed." "I hate myself". And it asks regularly "what do you want?"

I'm experimenting this week with using these entrenched chronic thoughts as triggers to consciousness. When I hear "I'm depressed" I look up at the sky. I connect as much as possible with my natural openness and remember how vast and full of potential the word is. When I hear "I hate myself" I take a moment to feel some loving kindness towards myself, and anyone else who comes to mind. When I hear that question what do I want? I reply authentic happiness, for myself and for everyone.

Today I try to focus as much as possible on just what that means for me, authentic happiness. I'm trying to visualize a procession of dawns where the chi grows in my body, heart and mind. I'm trying to imagine a clean, tidy house that stays clean and tidy. I'm trying to imagine enough money in the bank to maintain a simple life with a few meaningful luxuries. I'm trying to imagine work that inspires other people towards happiness as well.

Above all I try to catch myself when I'm drifting off towards meaningless anger and negativity and I try and nip that in the bud.